Was my daughter unreasonable putting up birthday decorations at her dad's house?

[AvidOpalViewer]

Just after some advice and who is being unreasonable…

I have 2 daughters aged 18 and 14 with my ex husband-we were together 15 years and split 6 years ago.
Their dad kept the family home which we built 10 years ago and I moved out with the children.
3 years ago their dad moved his girlfriend into the home (now fiancée)-all fine and no problem
Neither of them sleep at their dads anymore but last week my 18 year old stayed at her dads to look after his dog while him and fiancée were away for two nights celebrating his birthday.
My 18 year old bought 3 ‘happy birthday’ banners, a ‘happy birthday’ balloon and a small cake. Thought she was doing a lovely thing now she’s got a job and spending her own money.
Her dads fiancée has hit the roof, texting her and myself saying that this was disrespectful by not letting her know that she was arranging something for her dad, telling my daughter that she was upset by not being kept in the loop because she lives there too.
Ive also received a load of messages off her-telling me that my daughter has disrespected her and has criticised my daughter for arranging something in the home where she now lives.
There was nothing arranged-she put up a few banners and a balloon for him to come home to.
All the dad has said to my daughter regarding his fiancées reaction is ‘you know what she’s like when she don’t know what’s going on’
I must add that there’s no bad feeling between myself and their dad-everything’s absolutely fine on that front.
I have a 4 year old with a new partner and we’re all very happy in our lives.
Is this a normal reaction for a woman to act when her finances daughter has put up a few decorations in what is her family home??
Granted, she doesn’t sleep there anymore, but both my daughters still have their own bedrooms at the house with some of their belongings.

It is a normal thing to feel happiness for your partner when their child shows them love, I have a stepdd and if she shows love towards her father I get a knot in my stomach, it’s so lovely. Anyone who doesn’t isn’t very nice.

That is so lovely and it makes absolute sense. That is one very jealous woman and I think she felt shamed by your DD being so thoughtful.

It was a lovely thing to do for her dad.
GF sounds like a madwoman!
And DD was doing them a favour at the time too, looking after the dog while they were away.
I hope your DD’s father stood up for her, but it sounds like he mightn’t have unfortunately.

She’s not normal your poor daughter

God what a psycho your poor daughter 🙁

The girlfriend sounds like an absolute psycho. I wouldn’t even think to tell Dh I was putting up birthday decorations in our house for our own shared children. 😂 It was a lovely gesture and make sure your dd knows she did the right thing.

Their dad’s reaction sadly does not bode well for a future relationship with his children. They will phase him out completely if his approach to life is to be such an apologist for his girlfriend’s abusive behaviour.

She's jealous because she didn't think of it ?

She’s insane….. and jealous by the sounds of it. Maybe she wanted to put up balloons. Your poor DD though, tell her to take no notice! Imagine if it had been a surprise party! She would have had a total meltdown.

What a lovely thing to do. He should be telling his partner that it's a lovely thing MY daughter did for her Dad. Shame on him for not taking her to task over it

This makes sense.
I also can't help wondering if it suits her to create a barrier between your ex and his life before she came on the scene.
She can only do that if he lets her.

That's a weird response - worth considering if she has a latex allergy or a phobia of balloons or something similar. I have the latter and would be furious to find balloons in my home, but in this context that's something I would have told the 18 + 14 year old about in advance. But this kind of thing can be embarrassing and not something you'd want to disclose to people who might laugh at you.

She’s lucky that you and your daughter sound so laid back and non confrontational!

All the dad has said to my daughter regarding his fiancées reaction is ‘you know what she’s like when she don’t know what’s going on’

So this I know she being nuts here but I'm not going to protect my kids from it reponse from ex.

Tell your DD it was a really nice thoughtful thing to do - but clearly there are issues that are nothing to do with her and perhaps don't do anything liek thsi again.

I tried to do something nice for my parents with my sister in my early 20s - mum went off like this how dare we do things behind her back. I was very upset - and DH and IL though she was being very odd - Dad said similar to above. I've never tried to arrange any surpises since - everything is checked and double checked before doing - she often is very dismissive of any suggestions put forward to do anything and it's a huge uphill battle - last visit complained no-one every did anything with her.

Is this a normal reaction for a woman to act when her finances daughter has put up a few decorations in what is her family home??

Nope! She be crazy.

Well they might not have their dog-sitter anymore, serves her right

The fiancé needs to wind her neck in. Your daughter did a very kind and thoughtful thing for her dad. She doesn't need tge fiancé's permission to put up some balloons and banners in her family home. She doesn't have to consult anyone. The fiancé's us being very controlling. I'd very missed that she thought it was okay to address this directly with your daughter and then you. She is nothing to do with your kids or you. If she has a problem she can direct them to her partner.

I think your ex is a passive arsehole. Shrugging his shoulder and say ‘you know what she’s like when she don’t know what’s going on’ is very* *lazy, passive and dismissive. It is not okay for her to berate your daughter. It's not okay for her to text you her complaints. It's not okay for her to try and control your daughters relationship with her dad. I'd tell him very clearly that he is allow her to treat his kids badly it will impact their relationship with him.

She sounds like a total bitch. I bet your ex was quite touched by what dd did and probably said so or showed it. New gf is clearly very insecure and needy and can't handle anyone else getting positive attention. The irony is that in behaving like this all she is doing is attracting negative attention to herself.

As far as she is concerned, she is the only important person in his life and therefore is the only one who has the right to make any decision like this.

My ex (step) MIL was like that. When FIL died she refused to allow his sons (ex H and his brother) have anything to do with the funeral as "He was MY husband!" totally ignoring the fact that they had lost their dad too. She had been with him 5 years, he had been their father their whole lives. She too was incredibly insecure although I think that came from being the OW.

Maybe you're right & she feels it's not 'her' home & she's trying to naje ut feel that way, BUT she's supposed to be the actual adult here & you don't take it out on the child (whether she's a child child or an adult child) & you don't make it feel more like your home by trying to make it less of their home.

So no, I don't feel sorry for her at all.

I am disgusted by her Dad though 'you know what she's like' is pathetic, he needs to be a Dad here & not allow her to treat his daughters like that (or his ex wife (& daughters mother).

@AvidOpalViewer why don't the girls want to sleep over at their Dads anymore?

That is absolutely perfect!

asking for a friend (cough) .. do you work on a commission to write letters??

The fiancee's reaction is not normal. Your ex's reaction seems more horrible though. Parents like that don't deserve the love of their children.

This is a great response too!

'Involved in the planning'

it's putting up a few birthday banners, not redecorating!

Nightmare silly bitch! I’d be giving her and your ex, a piece of my mind!

if I was your daughter, I’d give them a wide birth for a long time!

Total over reaction.

That's much more my natural reaction!!

Girlfriend is a nut job. Sounds and acts insane. One of those sad women threatened by the kids.