No date nights and struggling!

[starship92]

I have 2 kids ages 2.5 and 4.5. My husband and I haven't had a night away alone together since we became parents. The only person who could realistically keep my kids overnight is my mum and she's just not prepared to do it.

My dad will sit in my house with the kids while we get out for a meal once every few months but I have to have the kids in bed sleeping before I leave and honestly the stress of that combined with ending up with a really late meal really takes the enjoyment out of it for me.

I haven't got any other options and I'm really not comfortable at all with someone i dont know looking after 2 small kids.

My relationship is really suffering because of this. I don't know what I'm asking for really - any ideas or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

Thanks

I think you just have to suck it up I’m afraid and accept that for many people weekend aways with just your partner doesn’t happen when you have children.

You either take what is been offered or wait until the kids are in childcare/school and have days out.

Yes, my two are roughly the same ages.

We also go out for a meal a few times a year, and do put the kids to bed early too. Bed at 6.45 (slightly early), we quickly brush hair etc, babysitter arrives at 7 ish, and we are sitting in a restaurant by 7.30. If there's any particular aspect of bedtime which means this doesn't work for you, is it possible to tackle it?

We have 'date night' in the house every Wednesday. It involves eating dinner after the kids are in bed, so it's civilised! Usually a glass of wine. Then chat/board game/film. We love this, and it is the bread and butter of our romantic relationship.

We have not had a night away either, but this doesn't bother us particularly. My parents have offered to have the kids over for the night but we just haven't got round to it yet. What specifically do you think a night away will give you that a nice meal out doesn't? In terms of your relationship suffering I mean!

Do they go to nursery/school? Could you both take a day of annual leave and have a day date instead?

Or could you do like in lockdown and just have a date night in the house? Eg plan a nice meal in advance, one cooks while the other does bedtime, then you both get changed into nice clothes, open a bottle of wine and have a proper chat, banning all talk of chores, kids etc?

I know it’s tough, but I promise it does get easier. In a couple of years the older one will play at friends’ houses without you and it will be so freeing, but I understand it’s tough in the meantime.

Mine are much older and we've never had a night away together. Lots of people don't for many reasons so don't fall into the trap of thinking it's the norm or a necessity.

Make an effort at home - kids in bed, take out from somewhere nice, a film (or whatever you like). Make it special from home. Plan it together and it can be just as meaningful. I think its the intentional element of a night away that helps the relationship, rather than being out of the house per se. You just have to recreate that intentional vibe at home and it can do the same thing.

No overnights is pretty standard when you've got young kids to be honest op. My ds is 6.5 and we haven't had a night away since he was born. He has additional needs and it would just be too much to ask my parents. They come to ours every few months to watch him at night for a few hours so we can have a meal or see a film. But we found what works well is asking them to have him for a bit in the daytime - we see a film or get lunch or just chill out at home and my son gets a fun afternoon with nanny and grandad. Sometimes we both book a day off while he's at school (or nursery previously)

We do both of these, these are good suggestions.

It doesn't need to be out of the house or at night - you just need to prioritise time with each other.

Why are you struggling? Do you feel you can’t relax when you’re at home? What’s different about going out? I’m not trying to be obtuse, I’ve got young kids and we’ve probably been out at night together 3 or 4 times in 7 years but we’re happy with that and don’t miss going out more.

Get to know a local babysitter

That’s quite standard tbh - we never had anyone take children overnight. It was a case of an occasional evening out but they would need to be put to bed (or bath & in PJs) before we went out.

That's pretty normal as a parent to young children. Can you explain more about why your relationship is suffering? It sounds like you've been able to have some meals out and time together? Can you plan something romantic for during nursery/school hours sometime maybe?

I can understand.

What were things like when you only had the one child.
As on it’s own I’m not saying someone would consider having more or less, if it wasn’t an important thing to you, but when it is.
I just sometimes wonder why people go and have a second child, if things were already difficult.

Would your mum have them overnight in your house. Meaning you haven’t got to rush.

Otherwise it means either considering another option even though you say and i can understand why you might not be comfortable for someone else to have them.

Or as someone else said you’ll have to carry on as you are, although I can see how difficult that is when this is something important to you.

What is yours and your husbands work arrangements like, and are both kids in day care, well eldest will be reception?
Is there any way you can get out for lunch together.

Our favourite thing when ours were that age, was to pay the teenager next door to come over at 5pm. I'd meet DH off the train which was ten mind away. We'd go to the local bistro and share a bottle of wine and gave a starter/nibbles.

We would be back by 7pm to do bedtime.

While we were out the teenager would play them or supervise a Disney movie.

Why do you need a night away together specifically? DP and I have never had a night away without our kids.

Could your Mum/Dad look after DC during the daytime while you and DH go out for a nice lunch, the cinema, a spa day, an afternoon in the pub…. Or as others have said plan a date night in your own home when DC are asleep. You can still have a lovely evening with your DH and spend time together doing something nice as long as you turn off the TV and make an effort.

There must be someone else you can pay, a normal babysitter. A neighbour, a neighbours daughter (that’s what we do), a friend. I don’t believe the absolute only choice you have is your parents! I agree there is some risk involved and it requires trust. Have a think about who else could manage them.

You need to stop thinking about it as stress, get the kids in bed at their normal time, and plan your meal for after that.

I can’t imagine they go to bed much after seven?

Stop thinking it is a race to get out, just book your meal for eight, or 8:30, or go and see a late film and have a couple of drinks while your dad sits with them. You don’t even need to tell them.

Make it regular, every two weeks or so.

My dad will sit in my house with the kids while we get out for a meal once every few months

Are these not date nights?

I think it’s much more common than you seem to think it is to never have date nights. If your dad is at home with them while you have a meal that’s more than a lot of people! I think you just have to lower your expectations. When they’re very young you just get them into bed early and use the time then - when they’re teens you don’t even get that as they’re up all hours of the night! 😂

My dc are 14 and 22 and we have no family whatsoever (dh no contact with his due to serious abuse and my Mum died many years ago, no other family). I can count on one hand the amount of date nights we have had. Ds also has autism which makes it even more difficult.

We were the same. The first night away we had together was when my boys were both away on cub camp, so aged about 10 or 11. Just the one night we had. Then my DM died and we had no family in the county. Just one of those things.

Well if nobody you know will babysit, and you won’t leave them with a professional sitter, I don’t know how you expect to be able to go out on date nights?

Sounds normal unfortunately. if the 2.5 year old is in childcare, can you both take a day or half day annual leave and go out during the day? Might be more relaxing and feasible than the evening. We find we have a better time together during the day as not just counting the minutes to go home to bed! Or have a date night at home where 1 night a week you are intentional about watching a film or having a takeaway with no phones! It doesn't have to be out the house.

Would your mum babysit for the evening and be prepared to put them to bed? That would be stress-free. Or can’t DH do bedtime while you relax in the bath?
Just accept overnights are not possible at the moment. We never had a night alone until they all left home.

My husband and I have used a day of leave when we feel we need to reconnect and go on a long walk and have lunch, or a spa day, while the children were in nursery. Even now they’re older, we have a spa morning booked in May, they’ll all be at school.
When the children were younger we also went to a hotel in Scotland which was amazing as had crèche facilities and we all had a great weekend, could you look at that? It was expensive but worth it at the time!

We were very lucky and had various family chomping at the bit to babysit. We didn’t do overnight though until I’d stopped breastfeeding at 12 months.

This bit goes by in a flash. You’ll just have to suck it up if you really can’t have a night out. Why not do special things at home instead? Share a candlelit bath, have a special meal and a bottle of wine, watch a film together…?

I’m sorry it’s causing a strain.

Are you surrounded by other parents who have access to overnight childcare from family? I wonder if that’s influencing your perspective. Some people I know have this level of family help, but most don’t, so it feels quite normal for me that my husband and I haven’t been away together since we had children (ours are almost 5, 3 and 1).

We make sure we set aside one night every week for an at-home date night. Either cooking a nice meal, having a takeaway, or just watching a film or hanging out together.

As others have suggested, could you do a nice date during the day? It would be worth using leave if it makes you feel loads better!

No overnights is typical with kids this age, but everyone I know who doesn't have family support (and could afford it) uses babysitters, including me. Given your eldest is 4.5 I'd give it some more consideration, most people are not psychopaths looking to harm your children and if you're willing to pay, agencies do checks for you.