No date nights and struggling!

[starship92]

I have 2 kids ages 2.5 and 4.5. My husband and I haven't had a night away alone together since we became parents. The only person who could realistically keep my kids overnight is my mum and she's just not prepared to do it.

My dad will sit in my house with the kids while we get out for a meal once every few months but I have to have the kids in bed sleeping before I leave and honestly the stress of that combined with ending up with a really late meal really takes the enjoyment out of it for me.

I haven't got any other options and I'm really not comfortable at all with someone i dont know looking after 2 small kids.

My relationship is really suffering because of this. I don't know what I'm asking for really - any ideas or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

Thanks

We used to just have date nights at home, we would dress up as if going out, lay the table nicely, no TV no phones, either a takeaway or an m and s dine in, nice bottle of wine. Our kids are almost adults now and we still have a date night at home, although we do go out as well. Another thing we would do is occasionally book a half day once kids were in nursery/school, go for a nice pub lunch together or a long walk, then pick kids up give them simple tea, share the bedtime routine and then start out at home date - it felt like it gave us a good day or quality time together. You just have to try and make the best of the situation you are in. We didn’t have a date night out until our DC were old enough to be left home alone. Now we can do it whenever we want but mostly prefer to just be at home

Afraid its normal for most parents. We've never had a night alone or date nights for that matter. Ill admit its hard but doable if put the effort in to make time for each other once kids are in bed. Have a meal at home, watch a movie and dress up a bit. Stop stressing about things.

When my dcs were that age, we'd never had any date nights either. I didn't really miss it - I wouldn't have wanted my dcs to sleep away from me, even with family, and they wouldn't have wanted to either. We had nights when we'd agree to watch a film or streamed play together, but not with getting dressed up or having a meal (our dcs go to bed quite late and we wouldn't want to eat that late).

DCs are 6 and 3 now and we've had a handful of nights when they've had a sleepover at PILs (they live abroad so it doesn't happen often). But the youngest is still a bit unpredictable and we might have had to go and pick her up, so we just went for a drink rather than a booked event.

Personally I still feel that our relationship is strong just spending time together in the evenings after dcs go to bed, and at weekends as a family. For me that's still quality time with DH.

It’s a bit strange that your relationship is struggling because you don’t get a chance to sleep in a hotel room together overnight.

my point being that that is not why your relationship isn’t working. Identify the actual reason. Then address that.

it’s fairly standard I would have thought at the ages of your children that you don’t go away for overnights. What did you think would happen? You do still get to go out for dinner and stuff which is still very good. I presume you still get the chance to have sex. Or is that what you mean?

This isn’t unusual op. Loads of people (myself included) have no family support and haven’t had a night away in years. Grandparents are working longer and many aren’t prepared to babysit like they were when my generation were young.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. Especially when you have able parents who just don’t want to help once in a while. But you’re not alone. Don’t compare yourself to friends who have loads of family support, that just leads to bitterness. I’d advise a date day during school/nursery hours or try and factor in some sort of date night at home when the kids are in bed. It won’t last forever but I know it’s hard.

Can you prioritize spending time together in the evenings at home? I think it's completely normal not to have been away overnight with such young children, you're very lucky to be able to get out for meals with your dads help- lora of people don't get that. You can still focus on your relationship without leaving the house, just being together when they are in bed.

Why does it have to be date night
make it date afternoon
there loads of things now like day time discos

Have a date night at home. There isn’t a huge difference to going and sitting in a pub and having a nice meal at your dining table. You can still talk and laugh. And it will save you £100.

Or Dh and I often go out for lunch. We’ll take a half day while the kids are in nursery/school and have a long lunch and chat and pick them up on the way home.

We have only been away overnight together a couple times in 13 years. It’s complicated as MIL will stay with them, but we then need someone to stay with MIL because for complex reasons she isn’t really able to safely look after them on her own. So MIL looks after dc, another auntie is drafted in to look after MIL. It’s not easy to organise and we’ve only ever done it 2-3 times in over a decade.

I will say though that it does not get easier. It’s harder to find time for us as a couple now that ours are older than when they were toddlers. We used to get a nice date night meal and a film in every Saturday after bedtime was done. Now we are taxiing around til 9pm to sports practice and there are hours of homework each week to supervise and there are sleepovers and the cinema to pick up from. Gone are those evenings we used to have alone. I literally haven’t sat in the lounge and watched something with Dh in about 3 years! As a family, yes. But not as a couple. So it’s worth making the most of this time now even if it’s not what you wish it could be.

Also do not underestimate how important it is for you individually to have time. Dh and I can’t go away for a weekend together, but I absolutely do go away on my own and Dh goes off with friends or BIL. It makes a world of difference to be able to take 2, 3, 4 nights away and recharge.

I'm inclined to agree with this. My DC are a bit older now - there were times my relationship was tough with 2 small DC, but none of those tough times would have been solved by a night away in a hotel.

OP are you and your partner/husband carving out any childfree time together in a normal week? DH and I try to prioritise spending evenings together after DC have gone to bed. Or as pp have said, occasionally taking a day off work and having a nice lunch date and afternoon in bed while DC were in nursery. I think if you aren't managing time together at home as a couple, then try to solve that before pinning all your hopes on being able to get away overnight.

An awful lot of people don’t have overnight childcare. We don’t. That can’t really be affecting your relationship because you can prioritise spending quality time together as a couple without needing to sleep elsewhere. If your Dad will babysit that’s great, I know you said you have to get the kids down first but with a 2.5YO you’d presumably want to do that with any sitter and maybe you need to tweak the bedtime routine if it’s lengthy process and a big stress. Other options are a takeaway, bottle of wine and an activity (board games, a movie or whatever you’re into) once the kids are in bed. You could take the same day off work to do a fancy lunch date whilst the kids are at school/nursery. And when it comes to holidays look for amazing kids clubs.

When mine were young it was my siblings and one cousin who would all look after each others kids, to allow the other parents a night away. The kids enjoyed the adventure of a sleepover and we all enjoyed the chaos of multiple kids for the day/night. Is this an option where you all help each other out? Even a friend who would be up for it?

I didn’t have this and never expected it. People who have family helping them are extremely lucky

Pay for a baby sitter and leave them to serve dinner and put the kids to bed. Hire the sitter for an evening first to help you with the night routine.

You either don’t go out at night and do daytime lunch dates instead eg take a half day annual leave together for brunch etc

or you get to know people so you feel safe with them. Options are - babysitting swap with another mum that knows your kids so that you return the favour so she has a date night another weekend. Get a cleaner and use her every so often(my cleaner is Great with my son and has babysat sometimes for him). Pay a lot to do overlap with a new babysitter. I saw a trainee nurse advertising locally I got references and I did three two hour overlaps with her playing with my son while I was there and doing bedtime with me, then she was able to do it on her own. Big financial investment but that’s what it costs.
but I don’t know why your relationship is suffering due to not being able to go out in the evening together? Are there other issues here? Can’t one person do bedtime and the other plan an at home date night like we all did in Covid?