Boy mum needing reassurance!!

[dh8892]

I have a wonderful DS aged 4 almost 5. The love of my life.

We are finally expecting baby number 2, another DS.

I’m admit, I really broke my heart when I found out it was another DS. Not because he isn’t wanted or loved, but because I always envisaged having a DD and girlie things in my life - mourning a life I had imagined I guess. This is very much our only chance for another child so there certainly won’t be a number 3 than could be a DD.

The main thing that has silently worried me about being a boy mum is in relation to when they grow up and the old wives tale of once they get a partner they’ll go off and spend all their time with in laws and I’ll always be grandma on dads side. Ridiculous I know but I always want to be a big part of their lives and eventually their families lives.

Since I’ve found out about DS, so many people have made the comment about “not seeing grandchildren” or “being dads side” or I’ll be able to enjoy retirement one day because I won’t have much to do with my sons and their families.

It is breaking my heart. I know this is the future I’m worrying about but I’m finding the comments so hard when I am already so worried silently about this happening.

please can someone give me some positive insight into being a boy mum in the future to settle my worries?

Wasn't an almost identical thread posted a few days ago?

@Feelingworried26 I don’t know I’m afraid I don’t really keep up with mumsnet!

There is someone around who feels exactly the same!

I have two boys now 23 and 21, and what time has taught me is that for them and us as a family, having two of the same has been absolutely the best outcome.
I would say however, they don’t want to go shopping or weekends away with me. They want to go to the football, watch F1 and play golf with their dad. Same for my friends with similarly aged sons and daughters, their social media feed is full of them and outings with their girls. Very rarely with their boys.
Of course males and females can have varied interests. Not all women like shopping and spa days, not all man like sport. This is just my experience and of friends and family around me at the stage we are at.
Who knows how it will pan out if they marry and have their own families?

I think this is one of those things you know can happen and so you can put in some ground work to avoid or minimise. It’s a long way off but when they are much older (but before their relationships get serious) you can start teaching them that both sides of a family have value. Also that women’s relationships with their parents and other extended family aren’t more important than men’s.

My parents were very involved with my brother's child (much more so than mine), in fact, it was overnight almost weekly until age 5.

I think you put in the ground work. You create a family structure where you make it clear that they are always welcome at home WITH their families. I think a lot of people unconsciously assume that young men don't need to come back to their families for support. You teach them how to run their households. My almost 10 and 15 year olds are being taught chores and household stuff including cooking.
You basically make it clear to them explicitly that in the future e.g. remembering your birthdays or Christmas presents is not something for their partner to do but their job. Both of mine take responsibility for a birthday present for their dad or me, and Christmas presents for each other.
I can't stand shopping so that's out of the question.
But yes, you model for them (esp your DH) that both sides of the family matters. Does DH call his parents without being nagged? Does he organise trips to visit his parents? Does he buy them presents etc? Watching and learning from this will be crucial to how they see their role in life.

I'm one of a large sibling group and the only girl. My brothers were just as close to mum as I was until she died 2 years ago. They all visited as often as I did, the youngest more often actually. They all spoke to her on the phone more than I did. My mum was a great mum and lovely person and we all had great relationships with her as adults. Try to be that for your boys and you have as much of a chance of a close adult relationship with them as you would if they were girls. I don't really understand this idea that girls are automatically closer to their mums. I only have a boy and although he's only 17 we are still close, do things together, talk about all sorts.

My husband is close to his parents/ mum, sees them regularly and they see our child as much as they want to (which isn’t always that much to be fair!) I admit it’s not all warm and emotionally close but that’s on both sides, there’s a lot of love there they’re all just a bit less effusive than my side!

My ex was the same, constantly on the phone to his mum and they were always close.

My older sister has 4 grown kids closer to my age (there’s a big age gap between us). 2 of them boys - men now, and incredibly close to their mum.

My brother and sister in law same, 2 adult children both men now, incredibly close family.

Admittedly it was a bit true on my brother’s part, he was a bit less close to my mum than us girls were. There were lots of reasons for that though, not specifically just because he was male.

My husband is one of four lads. All now aged 30 to 40 with wives and children. His parents are more involved with all four sets of grandchildren, than the Mother‘s parents. My mother-in-law is practical, willing & reliable . She also offers a lot to support and childcare, which we all know when they are under 10 is so valuable. All the grandchildren love them.

Well my boys haven’t left home yet so I can’t tell you from that perspective but my husband is very close to his mum, sees her at least twice a week for a few hours and his parents are much more involved with our kids than my mum (she travels a lot) so I think that old wives tale is just that.
little boys are adorable and my boys now they are getting older are still close to me and we chat all the time. It’s lovely seeing them become young men. They of course have had their issues as all kids do but seeing them grow up is lovely.

I think that's very much going to depend on the children and your parenting. I've got two boys. As unalike each other as chalk and cheese - I do crafting stuff with one, cooking with the other, they have entirely different hobbies and tastes - and that's true of their cousins (both boys and girls) too - you'd struggle to accurately predict the sex of the kids by their interests and hobbies.

My eldest is mid-teens, and when he's away from me or I'm away from him we still chat/exchange messages, whereas the youngest doesn't care and waits to talk to me when we're together again. The eldest intends to move out, the younger I'm going to have to kick out as he's far too comfortable here.

Whereas I talk to my mum maybe once a month - see her even more rarely, that's just the relationship we have.

Just be close to them, treat them as the individuals they are, and I'm sure it'll be fine.

There is a thread like this weekly.

Boys are great (I have boys no girls). You make the relationship with your sons.

Not all DC are close to their parents- you develop the relationship during their childhood. DH isn’t close to his mum (I am not particularly close to my mum but she probably disagrees with this) but I understand why.

You will love your sons, enjoy the present and don’t worry about the future.

It's what you make it. The stereotypes are stupid. There is no reason they will not be close to you as adults just because they're male. There is no guarantee a girl will like girly things. I'm one of four sisters - none of us were/are 'girly'.

Your relationship with your adult children is what you make of it. All the men I know who aren’t close to their mums and hide behind being close to their wives’ families had horrible childhoods with abusive or emotionally unavailable parents. They don’t go to their ILs every Christmas because they’re men, they do it because their dads are assholes and their mums turned a blind eye to it for an easy life. But now finally they found a way out and someone who was outside the family enough to say, you don’t have to put up with that shit anymore, you know?

Create a family that as adults they want to return home to. I grew up very close to my mum (single parent). It was just the two of us. In her later years, she became someone with a lot of problems who it isn’t safe to bring my children around. We are NC now. Dh has an emotionally distant relationship with his mum. She’s not warm. Hasn’t invited us to her house in over a decade, though she will come to ours. Has never taken our dc out for the day or done anything fun with them (eldest is a teen so they aren’t little and she’s had plenty of time). Be warm, inviting, involved, helpful and you will have close relationships with your adult children.

I have a boy and a girl and of the two of them, my ds is the much more sensitive, affectionate one, definitely more attached to me, also so much easier to parent!

Yet another thread about how disappointing it is to have boys and what a let down they’re going to be. Someone really needs to start a thread where we can all celebrate our wonderful sons because this is becoming so depressing now.

I’m currently sat at my son’s ballet lesson with my brother and his wife with their son who always ask my parents for help rather than my SILs parents. My brothers family are far closer to my mum. You reap what you sow!

Yes. Including the "girlie stuff".

I think so too. How troubling as well to have this stereotype of gender, with "girlie" v dinosaurs or whatever. There was a woman on the other thread actually "mourning" that she couldn't buy pink clothing.

I had a LTR with a man who was one of four brothers. I’ve never seen a more involved and active set of parents/grandparents with their sons wives/girlfriends and kids. If it had just been about them I would have married him! So it’s not always the case, although admittedly my husband’s parents are very uninvolved in our children’s lives, but very involved in their the lives of the children of their daughter (DHs sister). But that’s been their choice, so often I think it’s the decision of those “boy mums” sometimes, maybe? Anyway, what I’m saying is that you can make it not this way.

Shame on you and your over generalising stereotypes based on nothing.

It’s like people don’t know there is a 50/50 chance of having a boy or a girl.

If MN is anything to go by who would want daughters.

"it is breaking my heart", what, that you're having another healthy baby (fingers crossed 🤞).?
Why are you thinking about what's going to happen in retirement?
I'm going to say the same as I said to the other 2 women who've started these threads.
You have a child. Don't force them into stereotypes, don't live your life through them. Encourage them to be individuals and nurture their interests.
You could have a very effeminate son, you don't know. Just live in the present and bless your good fortune.

It’s going to entirely depend on their personalities and interests and how you bring them up.

I have two late teen/young adult sons. We have always spent time together according to our interests and still spend a lot of time going on walks together, going to an art class together etc. They also grew up with their father being equally involved and spent probably more time at my in-laws house than at my parents house, so they are used to that dynamic.

Obviously I don’t know what it will be like in their late twenties, thirties, but I’d be surprised if it changed completely.

While I would never want to influence who they partner with, I do privately hope it’s not one of horribly misogynistic types sometimes seen on here who complain about men spending time with their mother, needing to “cut the apron strings” and only wanting their own mother involved in childcare.

There is an old adage that has always rung true for me - that how a man treats his mother reflects how he treats his wife. I remember thinking about it when DH and I first started dating.

You're not a "boy mum" you're just a mum, and all the stereotypes about men not being as close to their mums as women are, are rubbish. Very depressing too
It isn't some kind of consolation prize to have boys you know.

Agree! I have 3 amazing sons 19, 16 and 12. All so different but all so ever incredible ! My eldest has been with his girlfriend for 4 years...I treat her as one of my own and am building that relationship.

My boys are the best and I wouldn't change them for anything.