Oh Jesus. Just agreed to go for #3

[Thowaway]

As the title says really.

We’ve been back and forth for a year over it and have just decided to go 3 cycles of ‘try and see’ and DH will get the snip after if no joy.

It’s our last horrah… I’m 36 and he’s 40. Two DC, a DD age 5 and a DS age 3.

After all the analysis I’m feeling ready but any advice welcome!

We are also very aware it might not happen at our ages so trying to stay relaxed..

Historically women have always had babies in their 30s and 40s though. It's not an unusual modern phenomenon. My dad was born in 1949 to a 40 year old first time mother.

Same! 3rd baby conceived at 37 from ONE episode of unprotected sex.Even took the MAP a couple of days after as we panicked abit, but luckily it didn't work!

However for us, it was actually the push we needed to know it was what we wanted and just go for it, but was definitely a shock to start with as it was all so sudden and took awhile to get our heads around.

I don't think we could have shut doors as quickly as OP is proposing though if it didn't work out that fast...having been someone who deliberated for over 2 years about the decision and the 'what if's' i just couldn't get past the idea of having one more and DH was open to it. I think in most cases it really it is as simple as you either both want another one or you don't even if there are some minor barriers or uncertainties which make it feel abit daunting.

Obviously you're entitled to think what you like! But the wider discussion about the full range of symptoms in peri/menopause is long overdue & well worth bringing out of the shadows, since it impacts half the population!

I'm not enjoying the all out monetisation of 'solutions' being peddled mind you!

Regardless of whether you have a hard time or an easy time with it, as with 'geriatric' pregnancies the top 3 things anyone can do to improve your odds of fewer problems are:

1. Move your body often enough to stay in a healthy weight & body fat range.
2. Have a high quality diet with enough fibre, protein, vitamins & minerals from things which grew in the ground.
3. Sleep well and manage your stress levels - both physical and mental.

If having a 3rd child is a very much discussed option, I'd think long & hard about the implications of that on the 3 things above - particularly if the impact is likely to be asymmetric between you and the father!

Potentially an unpopular point of view - but 100% accurate!

Each of my children are exactly 5 years apart and I really felt the difference between my second and third. I thinks it’s good having a small gap because you’ve not had that little bit of time where your second is getting older and your getting a little bit of time to yourself back. I was 33 when I had our third. And I conceived 2 months after having an ectopic. I know most people say the third child just slots in but ours definitely didn’t!

i think a lot of people get an urge for another baby when their hormones start declining, like the body having a last go at populating the planet.

but the planet doesnt need populating so i’d suggest you thibk with your head rather than let your hormones sway you about the pros and cons of another.
like can you afford it - and what if something happened to dh. do you have enough bedrooms. if you need a car in your area to get around due to crap bus service/lack of trains nearby etc is it if enough. do you have time to commit to all your children individually and time for your relationship with dh and you time.

what would life without a third look like. what pros
how would that change either number three? any pros?

how does dh really feel. is he just meh about it or really keen.

lots of things to consider but i’m guessing you’re thinking of three cycles for financial reasons and i get that. and putting a cut off date so you don’t have to worry about beimg older and having raised chance of any disabled babies in later pregnancies as you both get older. seems sensible to me.

I don't think the short "window" you've given yourself is that weird. It's basically what we did (now 20 weeks with no 3 also age 36).

We were of a mindset of "if it's meant to happen it will" and felt 3 would be nice bonus if it happened but also not essential!

Plus we didn't want a 5 year gap between middle and new one in school years so Sept to December was our window and I was pregnant by the end of November (due end July)

We probably would have gone earlier if we could have but life and wedding planning etc got in the way.

Oh you'll be fine. My first pregnancy was 28 and second 36, second was actually easier. 39 now and wish I could get DH to agree to third, v jealous!

It’s a continuum. It’s not like the clock strikes midnight on the eve of your 36th birthday and you suddenly become decrepit

I'm so pleased for you that you're completely oblivious to secondary infertility.

It did feel like it though 😆

I had DC1 at 36 and DC2 at 38.

Like others have said OP, it's an odd strategy to take. Do you undoubtedly and truly want a third DC?

What do you mean you 'don't believe in it'?

Menopause is a fixed point - 12 months after your last period. Peri is just the term for transitional period leading up to it where hormones fluctuate.

I don't understand what you think there is to be believed in or not 😕

I'm mid 40's and started to notice changes about 18 months ago. It's great that women are talking about it. I've had so many conversations with women of a similar age who all say they can't believe no-one told them about what might happen - night sweats, weight gain, loss of strength, insomnia, brain fog!

I think we would all agree that it is important to talk to girls about periods and what to expect to prepare them for it. We all also know that women's experiences of menstruation vary wildly - I personally have always had it really easy, but am quite capable of understanding that other women can suffer quite badly from heavier periods, PCOS, endo, etc. I don't take my experience as being 'the norm' and know a lot of these issues are not talked about nearly enough.

So why is perimenopause and menopause different? It's all part and parcel of the same process - it's great that it is getting talked about more now and that women are able to understand that they are not alone in experiencing some of the difficulties that come with it, and what they might expect if they are not there yet.

Just as some women sail through periods their whole life, while others struggle, some women will sail through peri and for others it will be hell. Just like some girls start their periods at 8 or 9 and others at 16, some women will start peri in their late 30's or early 40's and it will last 10 or more years, others may not start peri until their late 40's and hit menopause three or four years later.

Seems like an odd thing to be judgey about to be fair.

Women have always had babies in their late 30s and early 40s. Look at any family tree from the past. What's changed is it's now more likely to be your first baby not your 4th or 8th.

First pregnancies are a little more dangerous as there are unknowns. A third pregnancy at 36 when OP has had two smooth pregnancies is likely to be not much different to being pregnant at 28 or 32 etc.

Nobody said it was if you actually read the thread this all started with me replying to someone who said the parents at 36 and 40 are young to be having a baby. 36 and 40 are not young to be having a baby thats a ridiculous statement

Some TV quiz yesterday says the age of first time dads in the UK is 34.

That's really shocking.

But if you don't want to spend ages trying because it's stressful then I can sort of understand that.
Setting such a short time limit is interesting. Who's decision was it?