The parenting "trenches"

[ThelastRolo20]

Out of curiosity I'm wondering how long the parenring trenches are 😅 I say this as parent to a 4 year old and 15 month old. We're doing okay, managing well and I have an equal partner. But I'm doing okay as I'm my mind it's probably the hardest (in a physical sense) until youngest is 3. Things should start changing and becoming easier.

But then I look at some threads and the trenches are referred to with older children and I'm like, "bugger!" 😂😂

Is this children dependent? Are the trenches never ending? Should I resign myself to parenting warfare for another decade??

All tongue in cheek but generally wondering if I should consider myself in the trenches and can see the light or if I'm kidding myself?

You are most definitely in the trenches now so don’t worry, the much easier bit is approaching! 👍👍

Mine are 10 and 6 and I definitely feel like I'm out of the trenches, maybe the last 1-2 years. Get a lie in until about 9 at the weekends while they go downstairs to watch TV and help themselves to cereal. That part alone is life changing! Hang on in there, you'll get there and it's amazing after years of no sleep and tantrums.

You are definitely in the trenches now (but also a truly beautiful bit). I reckon you’ve got another couple of years. Once youngest is consistently, reliably potty trained (able to go without you) and able to play in another room without potentially dying, it all gets easier. There are other challenges as their lives get more independent and complicated but it’s not remotely close to the up in the night, nappies and tantrums stage.

Mainly looking forward to when the youngest can blow her nose as opposed to using me as a walking tissue 😂

But thanks all, I'm lucky that they're both wonderful children (bar the occasional wanting to return the overly articulate 4 year old). But glad to know we're in it, and the trenches aren't to come! Very much enjoying this stage for what it is, with the occasional daydream of 2/3 years time...

I have a 10yo and 7yo. We have been in the 'relatively easy phase' since my youngest was about 5. They are able to do practictasks for themselves e.g. toileting, dressing. They sleep well and still go to bed early-ish. They still listen to us (mostly)!

I expect other challenges to come in a few years with our eldest, but all is good for now.

For me, around 5+ things felt pretty easy going. At 4 it was already getting easier, but at 5+ it is remarkably easier.

Obviously that is for your youngest one...

At 5+ they can understand enough to cope with most things, don't impede trips much or limit your ability to do things, can self entertain enough for you to do chores, can play with you in a manner that is somewhat engaging, go to school so have plenty of outlets for their energy.. more capable of being with friends and not you etc.

Mine are 2 and 4 and its easier now....
First.year back at.work FT with a 1 and 3 was hard

Once 2 yo is potty trained much like Shawn mendes "theres nothing holding me back "

I'm going to countdown until the youngest is 3 as that seems more manageable 🫣 but 4/5 seems to be a nice turning point

For me it got easier the older they got. They are 19 and 21 now and the early years were by far the hardest for me

We are exactly 2 years ahead of you and I spent a lot of time wondering the same, and the consensus was when the youngest is 3 things ramp back to being easier. If our 3 year old was a sleeper then that would be the case, unfortunately he's never been, but other than that it's got much easier, he's in preschool, he can do lots himself, and you don't have to physically do as much for him, it's more about mediation to prevent arguments 24/7. I'm reluctantly looking forward to when they are both 5+, as I don't want to wish the wonderful years away, but I want to be able to do something other than working, child wrangling, and recovering/sleeping

@johnd2I'm forever grateful my youngest is a better sleeper than my eldest! Makes the light seem that much closer

When you can send them up to bed was my marker.

Time for bed now, up you go. And they brush their own teeth, get into their pyjamas and get into bed. (I still went uo and read to/with them most nights) but that was definitely the turning point.

There are other mini points along the way. Being able to leave the house without a bag of everything.

Not having a pram/buggy.

Them being able to use the loo fully independently.

But it was always the up to bed phrase and phase that signalled it for me.

Child dependent I’d say. DD was a terrible (though adorable and loving) baby and toddler, wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, speech development issues etc. It got better at 4, and from 5 dare I say easier and quite enjoyable. She’s a teen now and still pretty easy and a good kid in the grand scheme of things. There have been issues and worries , but nothing major and definitely easier to solve and cope with than 3 years of no sleeping. I have friends though who are having an absolute nightmare with their teens, so I was lucky I guess.

I dont know how my dad done it tbh 3 boys and me the youngest (girl).
I think it helped that my brothers was a lot older than me.
I dont have kids but i do think it gets better.

2-5 was ROUGH! I honestly thought I was rais g a psychopath….school chilled him out a bit and he was pretty much a dream from 6- 10.5. Then the hormones kicked in and back in we went. He’s 15 now and tolerable but we’re not climbing out yet…

I thought the toddler stage was trench like but I realise it’s actually the secondary school era.

Im not sure I’ll get through it easily.

Imo the worst years were pre school. The brutal lack of sleep, lack of headspace, lack of reason.

Then it gets hard again when they hit their teens. Some get bolshy - mine didn't, but the sensitive ones really struggle with navigating the world - friendships, disappointments, inequality, romance, exams, what to do with their lives. It's so hard longing to be the one who can take care of them but knowing you have to step back and let them make their own mistakes and process their own problems and find their own strategies for resilience and survival.

I have a 16 year old, a 7 year old and a 2 year old. My biggest trench currently is my 16 year old 😫😢 7 year old closely following. I wish I had better information for you. But in my experience the teenage years are the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. 😣

Mum of a 8yo. Currently just in a different looking trench. I thought I was out of them but just fell into a different one.

With both my elder two 6 has been the absolute best age ever! I’ve adored it with both of them. ❤️🥰

Primary age is definitely the wonder years, such a lovely time. Then they become teenagers and the trenches are harder and worse because you have less control. I’d swap for the toddler years without a doubt!

I think the trenches change!! The really exhausting part of sleepless nights, constant supervision, never going for a wee alone - you're getting to the end for sure. However, as things change the problems/worries change too. There's nothing worse than a school aged child begging you not to take them to school, or dealing with bullying, or if they are the bully, or if they have something like dyslexia/dyspraxia/adhd/autism and need support/diagnosis/getting school on board etc. It's also then really tricky and hard work worrying about a teenager going out on their own for the first time, or having a bf/gf for the first time, being hormonal and horrid to you sometimes, and gcses and A levels really matter for the rest of their lives in a way that whether you do baby-led weaning, and choosing when to potty train, really doesn't. Plus you can't just pick up a 15 year old and make them listen to you, or carry them home kicking and shouting.

So, I think by aged 3 or 4 ish the whole "oh my God I have to watch them 24/7, live in a soft play centre, never sleep, watch Peppa, deal with tantrums etc" definitely draws to a close (great news you're almost there) but then starts the "will they be OK there without me, will they make friends, what if someone hurts them or is mean, what if they aren't great at school, did we pick the right school, why did mum name her kids Biff, Chip and Kipper and why cant they see that B-A-G is bag not cat" comes next (although i do think the primary years are actually generally ok if things are fairly straightforward) followed by the really big impact full situations like "should they have access to social media, are they having sex, are they smoking, can I smell weed, what if they fail their gcses, how much should we allow alcohol, why are they speaking to me like I'm poo on their shoe etc". I don't think it's ever easy and in some ways, the bigger the child then the bigger the worry. Is it better to be up at night worrying about a party they've gone to and when they're getting home OR because they are 4 months old and need another feed. Not sure tbh. I think ages 4 -6 were pretty good, as school is fairly fun and easy, kids that age aren't that horrible to each other and they're really sweet and chatty, plus easier to control than a bigger child, so I'd choose that age to return to, I think! My mum says she likes parenting a 38 year old - so maybe she's not in any trench now?

No advice but I have 2 children almost the exact same age, a 4 year old and a 17 month old and it definitely feels like the trenches 😭 So sending support your way!
I find the 4 year old much more difficult than the younger one at the moment, he’s non-stop 😂

There’s two trenches

the first one is the one you’re in

then you get a golden period of childhood between the ages of 5-13

then you’re in the trenches again. My eldest is 16 and fuck my actual life is all I’m gonna say. Middle child is 14 and is still a dream to be honest. Youngest is 10 and is also fab.

Once they're all in school