The parenting "trenches"

[ThelastRolo20]

Out of curiosity I'm wondering how long the parenring trenches are 😅 I say this as parent to a 4 year old and 15 month old. We're doing okay, managing well and I have an equal partner. But I'm doing okay as I'm my mind it's probably the hardest (in a physical sense) until youngest is 3. Things should start changing and becoming easier.

But then I look at some threads and the trenches are referred to with older children and I'm like, "bugger!" 😂😂

Is this children dependent? Are the trenches never ending? Should I resign myself to parenting warfare for another decade??

All tongue in cheek but generally wondering if I should consider myself in the trenches and can see the light or if I'm kidding myself?

I don’t really mind and in fact enjoy parties - I’ve never really understood why MN seem so disparaging about them; my child is fed and entertained and I get to have a chat … but my standards are low after the last five years I guess 😂

We're all different. I expect I find things easy you find tough.

I think the drop and leave really depends on the kids and the parents though. My year 4 kids (so class of 8-9yo), it's still about 50-50 whether parents stay. It's a small school so the parents often stay to chat. Come to think of it, with all friends except for 1, playdates are with the parents coming as well, unless it's specifically arranged to provide childcare as opposed to a playdate.

For my y1 kid, they are all parent stay ones still (and I would have to anyway or stay near due to toileting issues).

Sorry, it wasn’t a dig at you … it is something I genuinely ‘don’t get’ though and I don’t mean in the MN passive aggressive ‘I just don’t understaaaand!’ way; it’s something I honestly am a bit lost with! I see a lot of posts along the lines of ‘oh children’s parties are just awful!’ so it isn’t just you!

I'm looking forward to it so I can go do something really mundane like walk the dog/ do the food shop. So doubling up of tasks! My 4 year doesn't need watching so much at parties now and I do enjoy the chatting with other parents 😊 but sometimes it'd be nice to do something else with the time

@Babyboomtasticyou're so right, very child dependent. My younger is the better sleeper (the elder is okay but joins me in the night), and so far I don't have reason to believe they aren't neurotypical - so it's a very different scenario to some families for sure

Some stages I remember being a huge relief:

• breastfeeding ending
• Both kids potty trained
• Buggy no longer needed
• Kids able to use tv remote themselves (only eldest so far)

Currently in primary school years and generally life is easier. However emotions are still high, both kids are on the school Sen register and both are struggling academically. Hearing your child shout they want to die and they wish they had a different family before hitting you and trying to leave the house in the middle of the night is not easy. But maybe it’s preparing me for the teenage years everyone says are difficult?

@Catsandcwtchesoh gosh that sounds so so hard. I hope the school are helping you with support xx

I found that things got easier once my youngest turned 3yo and much easier when he turned 5yo. It's been great since then (yes including the teen years).

The challenges just change. Teenagers are complicated!

But you do get more sleep. And you get tomenjoyndoingnthings together rather than for the children of that makes sense.

But the challenges don't stop!

It’s different for everyone. You’ll read so much about how difficult teenage girls can be, but I am absolutely loving my time with my 14 and 16 year old daughters, they add so much vibrancy to my life. Living with preschoolers is an even mix of Mary Poppins and Guantanamo Bay.

I think they definitely get 'easier' at age 3 although depending on personality can still be a nightmare. But at least they don't run off as much 😅

My two are 11 and 14. I would say the early days with just one were actually a breeze. He then had a bad case of the terrible twos which turned out to be ADHD. And DD came along when he was 2 1/2.
She was a slightly more difficult baby (sleep refuser) and a nightmare to potty train, though her still wetting herself most days in Reception was overshadowed by a stretch of years and years with DS having hopeless schooling.
But the part where you can leave them in a room and they stay alive was a good step forward and we now have a period where we can send them to the shops and they come back with what we asked them to get! DD meets friends in town and catches the school bus on her own.
Both still need a lot of hand holding and I know teens have their own difficulties and I'm not looking forward to GCSE revision either.

More sleep with teenagers?! I am not finding that! My 16 year old slept out on Friday night and I tracked his phone and he was not safe in somebodies house but instead was in what can only be described as woodland. I messaged and rang him, to no avail. I was up until midnight messaging him (he did get back to me) and then I waited up until he was back at his friends before I tried to go to sleep. And then.i was so stressed I was awake for hours worrying. And then when he came home the following day o talked to
him about how it wasn’t ok etc and then spent the following night awake half the night worrying about whether I’d been too harsh!!
my 2 year old gives me way more sleep 😂🙈
my eldest was my worst sleeper, didn’t sleep through until 8. And I thought the early years were so hard. And in relative terms he’s an ok teenager. And yet it’s still so so so hard. Every single day there’s something stressful I need to navigate 🙈 and GCSEs. Just don’t get me started.
this is my least favourite parenting time ever 😂🙈 unless I’m doing it totally wrong 🤷🏽‍♀️ I feel completely out of my depth 😫

The First World War ones were about 475 miles long and far far worse than anything a parent who actually has to parent might experience.

It depends what you mean rather, doesn’t it? I will be honest and say I find posts like that a bit annoying; I mean, there’s a sleepless night as in I couldn’t sleep because I was stressed or worried about something so I could argue my job at various times or finances or bereavement or health have given me sleepless nights, but that’s not the same as babies and toddlers waking you over and over. A few nights ago I couldn’t settle my two year old and over and over I nearly got to the point of going back to sleep when she woke me again. It was horrible, and that for many nights over a sustained period does do something to your state of mind.

The nights I spent awake after my dad died or when I was in a lot of debt obviously weren’t fun but they weren’t the same.

You are absolutely in the trenches. I know people like to pop up on these threads and say the teenage years were the hardest years but I think they’ve just forgot the relentlessness of looking after little people that would literally die without your ever present supervision and meeting their needs. Teenage years can be emotionally trying, but you sleep, you can time box it, and if it’s going well, they can even take some of the load off by chipping in. Stressing about friendship groups, GCSEs and general life launching is not the same relentless exhaustion of basic survival. Speaking generally of course, different families will have different dynamics.

Two year old and 8 month old for me OP and I feel the same 😂 they’re such lovely children and I really can’t complain but sometimes I do just wonder when they’ll be that bit more manageable and I won’t have to try and stop my two year old from scaling furniture whilst my 8 month old is screaming bloody murder because she can’t reach something she wants and my puppy is relentlessly trying to jump up at me to pick her up 🤣 trying to tell myself that I’ll look back and long for these days again one day!

Gosh thanks for that! I genuinely thought they were the same thing

It's when my mum helpfully says "enjoy every moment" as I tell her my baby has just vomited over a toy that has many nooks and crevices. Thanks mother 😂

Ha! That comes from the luxury and nostalgia of being out of the trenches. Like I said before, DD is a teen now and she was a terrible toddler/baby. I still miss some things NOW , and trust me, in those days I never thought I would.

It’s always easier in hindsight. I look back so fondly when only had one child as it seemed so much easier but actually it didn’t feel like it at the time,

Neither did I at pre school and toddler ages! Until 2.5 for the youngest and about 7 for the oldest, everything seemed perfectly on track.

I have a 15 year old, almost 5 year old and almost 3 year old (21 months apart). We were in the depths of the trenches for a while when youngest was born but since she turned 2.5 years and became more independent things have been much better. I know it’s easier said than done but try to embrace the chaos - it doesn’t last long in the grand scheme of things. Not sure why some people say they’re still in the trenches past 3 years; perhaps they don’t enjoy parenting much x

Maybe we just don’t love chaos.