The parenting "trenches"

[ThelastRolo20]

Out of curiosity I'm wondering how long the parenring trenches are 😅 I say this as parent to a 4 year old and 15 month old. We're doing okay, managing well and I have an equal partner. But I'm doing okay as I'm my mind it's probably the hardest (in a physical sense) until youngest is 3. Things should start changing and becoming easier.

But then I look at some threads and the trenches are referred to with older children and I'm like, "bugger!" 😂😂

Is this children dependent? Are the trenches never ending? Should I resign myself to parenting warfare for another decade??

All tongue in cheek but generally wondering if I should consider myself in the trenches and can see the light or if I'm kidding myself?

Ours are 5 and just turning 3 and we definitely feel life is so much easier now. I think it does depend on your DC temperament, DS2 is our “easy child”, DS1 was definitely harder work at 3. Both reliably sleep though the night. DS1 is an early riser but he can get up alone at the weekend, get a bowl of cereal and put the tv on. They play well together most of the time which gives us time to tidy/cook/relax in peace. Both can hold a conversation and meal times are much less chaotic.

I think the first couple of years are universally hard as very young children depend on their parents for everything. After that different families seem to things difficult at different times. I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old and have found the teenage years far and away the worst. My DC have specific difficulties which has made this age harder for us than any other. I do also think that the times you find hard will be impacted by your work situation and support network though.

Agree with you OP. 3 years is a turning point.

Once you can leave them on their own in room/ park for half hour without worrying they will somehow kill themselves.

Alot easier by 7. A complete pleasure by 10.

I’d say mine ended when the youngest was 3ish

Obviously I dont mean alone in park at 7!

I mean you ca relax in park with them knowing they wont kill themselves randomly 😂

Stop waiting for it to get easier... The truth is that it never does really. It's just different problems and depending on how well you cope with the season of development you will find season's easier or worse. The problem is that children get much less labour intensive as they get older.... But they get much more emotionally complex. Which is much harder. But in compensation everyone wipes their own bum and can strap themselves into the car.

This is definitely the part I'm looking forward to 😂

I do think 3+ the labour intensive side starts to change 🤞🏻

I've always said the primary school years seem lovely. Teenagers really bring their own problems for sure

2-5 are the hardest in terms of physical demand and logistics I’d say. But 14-18 were the hardest for us mentally- we had two teenage daughters 1.5 years between them and at one point my hair started to fall out due to stress.

You’re definitely in the trenches op! Small
children and babies are physically exhausting. It does get easier and then harder again when they’re teens, but in a different way. You have less control and I find I worry a lot more. Parenthood is a rollercoaster!

This resonates. Mine are 7 and just 5 and I still feel I’m kind of in the trenches. Still need to help 5yo in the toilet, still get the meltdowns (7yo possible adhd), still get waken up early at weekends and still can’t just leave for my gym class without coordinating and arranging with DH. And yes the bedtime! For me the bedtime is one of the most tiring parts of the day and really look forward to being able to just send them up to go to bed!

And the pickering between siblings - when does that end…

You are definitely “in the trenches!” I agree at around 3 it all gets much easier. I feel like for most children there’s a bit of a lull whilst they’re primary school aged, and then it can get tricky again when they’re in secondary. But, tricky in a different way.

I left the trenches when mine got to primary school age. They are now secondary school age and I'm going back to the trenches! It's becoming challenging again but more mentally and emotionally, rather than physically.

Yeah it will get easier for a few years......and then they become teenagers....

I think it depends on you as much as your children. Some people struggle more as they get older and more independent or rebel as teenagers, some adore newborns and seem sad after that short period ends. I found beyond 2 it got easier every year.

This is giving me a bit of hope - DD is three in July!

Although she is getting easier in a way she’s getting harder in other ways. She was a lovely, smiley, cuddly baby / younger toddler, although her sleep was a bit of an issue (especially sort of 8-18 months) but that’s improved mostly although we still have the odd bad night.

However, since she was around two and seven months, so going on around five/six weeks now, I have found she has changed quite a lot. It was like a new gap has opened between us where previously we'd been so close, and as a result she has found she can say "no" etc. and been very defiant sometimes (I’ve had to shelve potty training for a bit because while she’s undoubtedly physically capable she refused to sit on the potty and held her wee for hours rather than cooperate!) and very silly others, running round laughing at bedtime or after swimming for instance.) I have found that change in our relationship hard because she was so sweet a few months ago, now I’m being screamed at and even slapped and hit sometimes.

I am hoping it is short lived.

I think 'easier but harder' is actually a perfect description of parenting @ThelastRolo20 . It changes all the time and as soon as you think you know what you're dealing with it shifts again. I think, to some extent, strapping in and enjoying the ride is the secret! Focus on the good bits as much as you can. Don't forget being a parent is a relationship. You have to meet them where they are and they have to learn to live with you too!

@Revoltingpheasantsah this sounds really hard. I did find elder daughter became more stubborn/ willful from 3 onwards. For what it's worth I've had two mantras - one by Jo Frost - "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" and my other one "say yes when you can, so when you say no it matters"

@DarkForcesyes, I'm definitely getting the sense on this thread that it doesn't get easier, just different :) I think me and my partner are looking forward to the less full on physical side for sure though. Definitely trying to enjoy each stage for what it is, but I won't be devastated to leave toddler years behind! Can't wait to drop them at parties and be able to leave 😂

Mine are 7 and 4 and it’s getting easier!!!

Very good to know ❤️ so hugely child dependent really but I do think at this age it'll look very different to now

I think year 1/2 was drop and run at parties! Yes. It was definitely a turning point. Dd is 14 now and so it's much more emotional scaffolding and avoiding the many sensitive topics that seem to upset her. Plus taxi services. She's not doing anything dreadful though. She's a bit selfish and lazy around the house but she could be a lot worse!

I'm definitely in the 'doesn't get easier just different' club, though the ages you are at were possibly the hardest for us so far (6+8).

What's easier:
-they play more independently
-they do some self care now, especially the older one.

• I'm able to have a bit of a lie in whilst they watch TV.

-things like DIY are easier as they can play whilst we crack on.

• they sleep better

What's still a challenge/new challenges

• Sleep. Youngest still doesn't sleep through despite melatonin. For our sanity she now sleeps with me. Eldest likely has ADHD and struggles to fall asleep before 11pm so we have no down time.
• emotional regulation - this is absolutely shot in both kids, for different but legitimate reasons. Meltdowns are harder to deal with and more disruptive than toddler ones.
• self care in general is still a challenge. Youngest due to health issues needs help with the toilet still, is in nappies at night and still poos at night. Both still need a lot of help with bathing, washing hair etc.
• their problems are more complex and not ones we can solve.

I imagine the primary years feel easy if you have very straightforward kids. Our mix of health issues and ND make things tough still. The problem is, I don't know many people that have straightforward kids. Of my kids friends, there are a couple, but there are far more that are still juggling a lot and struggling. For most of us, these challenges emerged a bit later. At the OPs kids age, for example, our kids were challenging (as you'd expect) but there was no hint of the difficulties to come.