How to help 8-year-old fall asleep without me lying on floor?

[SadlyNotATroll]

My 8yo has been a problem sleeper since birth. He’s never slept all night in his own bed; he falls asleep there but migrates to my bed in the night. That doesn’t bother me as it doesn’t disturb be, but what does bother me is that I still have to lie on his floor while he falls asleep and army crawl out of the door when he finally drops off. If he notices and wakes up the cycle starts all over again. I can’t help but feel he should be able to fall asleep on his own by now but I’m still being patient and hoping he grows out of it on his own like countless MN threads promise will happen!

I hear you. This was us with my now 21yr old and he did eventually just stop by himself!

Now doing it again with 9yr old 😅

What would happen if you just told him no you’re not staying but remove the sleep pressure by saying if he’s not sleepy he’s welcome to read or play quietly? That’s what I do with mine and they just put themselves to bed when tired.

Also, has he done overnights without you yet e.g. Grandmas, Beavers camp, school residental or sleepovers? How does he sleep without you there?

At 8?
If he notices you leaving can’t just tell him to go back to sleep?

Can you completely flip it and have him fall asleep in your bed? You can lie next to him if necessary and then, when he’s asleep, you can just get up & walk out. Once he’s secure in going to sleep there, it may be easier to transition him back to going to sleep in his room. At least, that’s what worked with DC2. I had a kindle paper white so that I could at least read whilst lying next to him

No advise as I do this with my 7 year old 😂

I do wait 10 mins after he's fell asleep though until I leave the room so he doesn't wake up.

I do have to say though I love it, I enjoy a little wind down chat and cuddle at the end of the day.

I used to do this with my daughter but around age 5 just told her that I'm only laying down with her for 2 minutes. We'd have our usual bed time story etc then I'd tell her the 2 minutes was starting now, and we'd cuddle up for the '2 mins' (it was actually more like 10 mins but I always stuck with telling her '2 mins') she's nearly 9 now and we still do the same thing.

Eta: not on the floor though, in bed.

This was my 8 year-old DD until I was 39 weeks pregnant last summer and couldn’t get up off her floor anymore 😂
So now we do bedtime and I go downstairs and put an Audible bedtime story on her Alexa in her room (can be controlled via the app on my phone). She falls asleep to that now and loves it.

Get him a double when he’s asleep in whichever bed he chooses go and get into the other.

Why not just put a mattress on the floor of your room and you both just go to sleep together?

It saves the ridiculous lying on the floor and means you both get to sleep as soon as possible. Then he doesn’t need to come into you.

Is it a bit unusual at 8? Yes, sure, but he’s not going to be 15 and still wanting to sleep with you, trust me. I’d just roll with it until it gets easier.

What do you mean by "the cycle starts again"? What does he do? He doesnt have to be asleep for you to leave him - he could read, have an audio book or whatever?

Make firn boundaries - this will reflect in later life...........

My friend’s sister in law did this with her daughter but she didn’t mind, in which case carry on. In your case where you don’t want to do it, just have a chat during the day and let him know that you won’t be waiting for him to fall asleep. At eight he should be able to do a lot of tasks independently and going to sleep is definitely one of them. Be assertive, tell him what’s happening, it’s not a negotiation. Reclaim your evenings and your bed.

I was a happy cosleeper with my daughter as a baby and preschooler. But once she was school age I was totally done with the laying next to her etc. I just explained that she was a big girl now and needed to sleep on her own etc. One night of a bit of crying and then she just went to sleep on her own.

At 8 I'd explain, let them read or listen to an audiobook if needed. Fine for them not to sleep but not allowed to bother you. They'll soon sleep when they need too. You must have the patience of a a saint 🤣

I sometimes sit outside my 8yr olds room. Could that work? Maybe start off sitting by the door where she can see you for a few nights and then outside the door etc.
I will usually respond a couple times if she asks if I’m still there but will then say I’m not going to reply anymore. She usually listens to a bed time podcast which also helps.

Kindle paperwhite. In my day it was a book and lamp, but the kindle worked so much better for my daughter. He doesn’t have to fall asleep. It is quiet time in bed. He can read as long as he needs. Take the pressure off falling asleep.

we also had to set a rule that she could not move to our room until midnight. I also got tired of getting kicked in the stomach and face so dd got a camping bed in my room she could roll out on the floor of my room. She wasn’t banned from my bed if she really needed it, but first choice was camping and not waking up mom or dad.

I'm intrigued. What consequences? I highly doubt he'll still need his mum next to him at night when he's 21. What is so terrible about having his emotional needs met by his mother? Are there studies Iinking difficulties falling asleep alone as a child with criminality for example? I suspect you're being unnecessarily alarmist with no evidence to back it up.

OP, have you tried an audio book? What about a gradual withdrawal of slowly moving further towards the door, onto the landing over a few weeks? Also it can work well to pop in and out. E.g. get him snuggled up with an audio book and then say you're just popping to put the washing in the machine and you'll be right back and then gradually build up the time.

Podcasts cured this for us - Story Pirates in particular.

I can’t believe you actually do this

I don't understand why your not being a parent and sticking to this is your bed and you stay in it unless there's some medical condition. Every single one of our kids from twins 2yrs up to 16 have all slept in there own beds from just after age 1. With first ones only took a few nights of us saying here's your room this is your bed unless your ill this is where you stay and tbh by child 5 they just copied each other as knew there big now time to have there own bed. If there's no reasons then your not putting your foot down

I highly doubt it will affect him for life. By 10 my eldest was happy to go in their own bed without a fuss. The transition just happened naturally. Now at uni and definitely dont need me to sleep!

Not really much advice as I still do this with my 7 year old but I think she is gradually getting better. I find with her if she doesn't feel the pressure of actually you must go to sleep then she's a lot better. I try and make sure she's in bed early so you don't have that "it's late, you have to get to sleep or you're going to be tired in the morning" pressure. I lie with her and read a book then I'll say you don't have to go to sleep yet but stay in bed and listen to the yoto or look at a book or something while I go and do x, y or z and I'll be back in 10 minutes. Usually by the time I go back now she's asleep, if she's not I'll give her a little hug and say you keep listening to yoto or whatever, I'm just going to do something else then i'll be back

This happened to me. Honestly, he will grow out of it. Mine was 9 or so, then had a relapse in Covid. I used to sit nearer and nearer to the door, then eventually outside it. Sometimes worked, sometimes didn’t.
more women than you can imagine do this. It will pass, honestly.

God no.
Right mate I'm off. Goodnight. See you in the morning.
And if he's not tired, let him read or whatever (in his bedroom!!!) until he falls asleep. Please believe your time is just as precious as his.

Stick with the same routine.

Into pyjamas.

Brush teeth and have a wee.

Into bedroom and in bed with soft lighting ready for a story (he can pick if you read to him or if he has some solo reading time.)

Kiss goodnight and have either audiobook playing, music on or ceiling projector lights etc and you say goodnight.

When you first start this routine you tell him that you’ll be next door doing a job (folding laundry, tidying etc) so he knows you’re close and that you have something you need to do.

If he keeps getting up you lead him back to bed and say it’s bedtime and tuck him back in. Explain that he doesn’t need to be falling asleep straight away but needs to be resting and relaxing in bed.

If the getting out of bed continues you just start leading him back saying less and less. “It’s bedtime now.” No negotiation or pleading or chatting. Just back in and you leave.

I think the issue is that because he is used to you being there when he falls asleep, when he wakes up in the night he thinks he needs to be with you before he can go back to sleep.

I would try to gradually break the dependency by popping in and out instead of staying. So he still feels that you are nearby but gets used to being by himself…

For example if my DS asks me to stay in his room I say I’m just going to toilet then I’ll come back and check on you. Then, I’m just going to fold washing in my room, etc etc.