How to help 8-year-old fall asleep without me lying on floor?

[SadlyNotATroll]

My 8yo has been a problem sleeper since birth. He’s never slept all night in his own bed; he falls asleep there but migrates to my bed in the night. That doesn’t bother me as it doesn’t disturb be, but what does bother me is that I still have to lie on his floor while he falls asleep and army crawl out of the door when he finally drops off. If he notices and wakes up the cycle starts all over again. I can’t help but feel he should be able to fall asleep on his own by now but I’m still being patient and hoping he grows out of it on his own like countless MN threads promise will happen!

“God you sound like a shit parent”

There’s no need in that.

I don’t personally agree with sleeping with your baby, or “crying it out” for that matter, but calling other people shit parents is out of line.

We did the disappearing chair technique. We didn't fully disappear until the youngest was about 10.

Chair on the landing outside the bedroom door so that part of you can be seen and a kindle. We kept it up for so long, as it was really peaceful to have that quiet reading time.

I am all for staying with frightened children until they fall asleep. It is very normal not to want to sleep alone.

This is not something to be proud of.

Yes it is!
I didn't stay with any of my four and they all slept through as soon as they were put to bed.
I read them stories and sang songs, then tucked them up and went downstairs.

They knew they could come down if they were ill. Or they could come through to our bedroom in the night for the same reason. But they also knew that they stayed in bed otherwise.

Well the poster is saying they let another person’s DH let their child cry it out when on holiday in a new place. It’s horrifying

Yes I know what she said, I read it.

But not agreeing with someone else’s parenting decisions doesn’t give you the right to call them a shit parent.

I would never cosleep, and I mean never. I think it creates unhealthy codependency, limits sleep independence, and is actually emotionally stunting - it teaches children they can’t sleep alone and that something is inherently frightening about bed time. I prefer reassurance, resettling, and leaving.

But that, does not mean I think people who do cosleep are shit parents, because that’s not my judgement to make.

Horrifying 😄 the baby is question is now 20 and shows no ill effects !

At 8 my child was going to sleepovers at their friends houses. Assuming no SEND at play here then it’s ridiculous this is still going on at his age and the OP is facilitating it

that being said as a lone parent of 3 since twins were babies yes I have co slept and all of those things just to be able to get some sleep and function at work the next day. And yes quite often I wake to one or both of the twins in my bed

At 8, I would say that you’ll stay for ten minutes and then you’ll be going. My sil has this too with my niece. Niece is almost ten and she still has to lie there for an hour if not longer. Niece has no SEN just has never been to sleep without her mum right next to her so won’t entertain the idea of stopping and sil can’t say no to her. So I would imagine you’ve got another couple of years left at least unless you change things

I co-slept with my youngest from day 1. She transitioned to her own bed no problem and goes to sleep without issue. My first was a nightmare sleeper, and I resisted co-sleeping for far too long because I bought into being a bad habit. She’s nearly 9 and it’s only in the last 6 months or so she doesn’t need me to stay with her while she drops off. Sometimes I lay on her floor because then it was easier to leave without disturbing her.

I find comments like “just be a parent” and “just tell him to go to sleep” quite frustrating. Those of us with rubbish sleepers aren’t stupid, it’s not that we couldn’t be bothered, we’ve spent hours googling solutions. Parents who have to stay with their children at bedtime do it in response to the child they’ve got. They didn’t create that child because they are a lesser parent than those of you blessed with good sleepers, or those that responded well to sleep training. I tried being strict with my DD before she was ready. It made no difference. She didn’t “just learn”. She was very distressed. DD2 was disturbed. We all got less sleep.

OP, what has worked for my DD is telling her how long I was prepared to stay with her for. If she was still awake by that time I would give her a kiss and tell her I’d keep coming back to check on her. She has her yoto player on and a lamp. There’s rarely any complaint now. But that only started to work once she was ready I think.

A final point - I work with people with sleep disorders and I’ve yet to see an adult referred because they can’t sleep on their own. We all get there.

Still stuck doing this with 7 year old twins. Me and OH alternate each kid each night 🤣

Not sure how healthy it is, but my 9yo and 6yo fall asleep listening to audiobooks. Gives them something to focus on enough to stop thinking or worrying about being alone. TBH it only happened out of nesseserty when I became a single parent, and had to do both bedtimes simultaneously. Before that I was spending an hour on youngest floor, then bringing eldest up and spending another hour on his floor.

My DDs went on a school residential in y2. August born so aged 6. DD2 was just 7. DD2 wasn’t great at being alone as a baby, but got there. I cannot imagine them not being able to join in with events like this. It’s part of their development and growing up.

Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a cruel way to treat a dependent little baby at the time!

So many people think that it's their amazing parenting why their kids sleep, but a lot of it is due to the child.

We tried everything to get our 8yo to sleep better. Disappearing chair, folding laundry in the next room, popping in every 5 minutes for reassurance and a kiss, bribery, sticker charts, threats, calm discussions, audio stories. We've read books and truly we tried it all. Still, bedtime usually took 2 hours of either constant or intermittent sobbing from her unless we just say with her (and then gradually that took longer as well). We tried for years (her sleep problems were from about 2, so 6 years of continually trying to get sleep to work.

So now, she reads for a couple of hours and we sit with her in her room at 10, until she goes to sleep around 10:30-10:45. If it was as simple as being firm self consistent, we'd have cracked this 6 years ago. We've found something we can all live with and fit that, I'm pleased, even if others might think I'm a crap parent because we haven't continued to try for an independent bedtime event though it was becoming hugely damaging.

What works well for me and my six year old, is after we've said goodnight and turned out the lights, I say that I'm going to do some chores and I'll check on you in five minutes and then ten minutes and then twenty minutes. She then enjoys negotiating me down to two minutes, then five minutes, then nine minutes then twelve minutes or something. So I check on her in two minutes, and then five minutes, and that reassures her enough that she's almost always asleep by the nine minute check.

Fgs stop babying him!
This is completely ridiculous. You are doing him no favours at all! Why are you afraid to say no?

Change the routine. At 8 he’s old enough to read or draw alone for a while. Make it a ‘big boy’ thing. ‘James, we think you’re old enough now to have some time to yourself at bedtime. Instead of making you go to sleep after lights out we’re going to let you read or play for another half an hour and then you can put the light out when it’s time to sleep’.