Could you forgive a relative for a malicious social services report?

[TheLastDragons]

I’ve been thinking about something that happened years ago and wondered what other people’s views are.

Could you forgive a close family member who reported you to social services and by forgive, I mean stay in contact and still have them in your life?

For context, in this situation the report was completely malicious and unfounded. There were no safeguarding concerns about the children, and social services found nothing to support what was said and luckily I could disprove what had been said. The person who made the report never gave a proper explanation and initially denied doing it. They only admitted it when they were confronted with proof but it left me a long time not being able to trust people close to me and wondering who could have done it.

It also wasn’t a misunderstanding or someone acting out of genuine concern it genuinely seemed intended to cause harm, and possibly even to make it look like someone else had made the report, this is what I suspect was the intention.

Years later I still sometimes think about it and wonder how others would feel in that situation. Would you be able to forgive and move past it enough to keep that person in your life, or would it be a line that couldn’t be uncrossed?

No I wouldn’t forgive this.

No. They would have tried to tear my family apart. They would be dead to me.

No.

No. Awful thing to do.

No.

I don’t think that’s a bell you can unring.

I don’t think I’d necessarily refuse to ever be in a room with them again (eg a family wedding) but there would be no ongoing relationship with me and they wouldn't get anywhere near my children.

No

It's unforgivable and I would go no contact and would not allow contact with the children either.

Forgiveness is not really relevant on this context. I would not continue a relationship with a person who crossed that line even if I “forgave” them. People act in patterns and that level of wanting to harm a family is so utterly dangerous for the children in that family. Parents have a primary moral responsibility to protect their children from people who would harm them.

No. How could you?

No I wouldn't forgive it!

I’m more intrigued as to how you discovered the identity of the reporter and provided proof — isn’t it anonymous?

No although if they are generally in poor contact with the truth and struggle I could see them as a bothersome irreverence rather than someone to edit out entirely. It sounds from your details like the intentional else was quite calculated so no. They wouldn’t be part of my life.

We have had this in our family. We cut the person out of our lives immediately and 8 years later still have no contact. The rest of the wider family has since seen that person for what they are and now no one in the wider family has anything to do with them. We have absolutely no interest in having them in our lives and consider it to be unforgivable. Like yours, the allegations against us were also completely unfounded (and were made because we had already started pulling back)

It is anonymous yes but I asked for a copy of the referral and there was loads in there that the social worker hadn’t brought up to me but from that it became very clear who it was, as there was certain things written in there that only this person would know.

No way, I would be shocked at someone doing that and expecting to be part of my family’s life. The minute they made the call they should know any relationship with them was dead. It’s a bridge burning thing to do that maliciously.

It’s horrible isn’t it. You always get people that assume there must be truth to it but there absolutely wasn’t and it was complete lies and it was horrible having to prove myself.

Did the person give any explanation as to why they did it?

Absolutely not.

They would have no access to me or my kids ever again.

Unfortunately not

totally irrelevant really @Dollymylove there are zero acceptable "reasons" for maliciously reporting a family member, who is then on the radar with social services!!

@TheLastDragons this is an unforgivable, in my book.

There is no radar. Just want to clear this up. People often talk about being on the radar of social services but it really doesn't work like that.

I will never hear the reason or what they thought it would achieve. I would actually like to hear what they had to say for themselves just to hear what they would come up with. They spent a long time denying it and accusing someone else.

No

That’s not 100% true, the report definitely had a negative effect on me and my children, it happened when they had just started school and although the case was closed I felt like the school always judged me slightly or seemed extra cautious over me. I also took my child to the doctors and they had written a note on the system to say my children were “known to social services” the doctors whole attitude towards me changed when he saw that. I had to put a complaint in it to get it removed because the case was closed with no further actions so I don’t know why a note was left on their file. It absolutely can have a knock on effect.

I disagree that its irrelevant. If somebody made malicious allegations about me I would want to know why