Am I hot housing?

[hothouser]

I can’t work out if I’m trying to hot house my son, or if I’m just doing similar to everyone else.

My son isn’t very sporty. He loves cycling, skiing, surfing, swimming, running about, playing Mario kart and Minecraft on the switch. Hugely into Lego, building stuff, imaginative games and art (despite not being very good at drawing).

I ask him to play tennis twice a week, cricket once a week.

He swims three times a week outside of school, and once a week in school.

He probably would quit tennis and cricket given half a chance but because we’ve already let him bin football and rugby I’m reluctant to let him do that. He doesn’t hate them, he just doesn’t love it.

Am I pushing too much, hot housing or doing the right thing?

I had a fairly neglectful childhood so I really don’t have a good basis on which to parent properly.

Please offer some advice if you can!

Alpha and beta are horrible terms because they imply that alphas are better than betas, when they aren't they are just different.

However it sounds like too much sport. Why not find a running club / do park run if he likes running instead? Or a junior triathalon?

I dont know about the Andrew Tate connotations, just seen references on this thread

However, whatever word you use to describe people like us (and no Im not really an introvert either), it will be seen as 'less than' because the narrative in our culture is that bold is best, brash is best.

So I own it, Im a follower more than a leader although I can lead and I like quiet things rather than loud or busy things. I like that. I like a slow pace of things

Its not really my problem if osmeone puts a negtive spin on that

I agree that’s it’s very reductive to pigeonhole people into being Alpha and Beta, and also naive to think that being very competitive with a dominant personality is a sign of self-confidence, when often it’s just the opposite…

I do think six sessions per week of extracurricular sport, as well as whatever he does in school, is a lot for a child who isn’t particularly sporty, OP. My son is 8 and sounds similar to yours (loves video games, Lego, drawing); he’s point-blank refused to participate in any team sports so far. We are encouraging him to learn to swim, mainly because there’ll be school swimming lessons coming up in a couple of years and I know he’ll feel very self-conscious if he’s a complete beginner at that stage, but I really don’t see the point in forcing him into other activities he really doesn’t enjoy. We do a good bit of hill-walking so he gets regular exercise that way.

But surely the point of childhood is to enjoy it before all that other stuff we have to do kicks in?

Let him play - when is he getting downtime?

My daughter is year 2, very sporty independent school. She does gymnastics, swimming, marital arts outside of school and thats it! Yes, others also do tennis, squash, rugby, football etc etc but she doesn't want to do any of that so I don't force her.

the swimming on its own seems more than enough! I got exhausted just reading that list!

My son isn’t very sporty. He loves cycling, skiing, surfing, swimming, running about, playing Mario kart and Minecraft on the switch. Hugely into Lego, building stuff, imaginative games and art (despite not being very good at drawing).
I ask him to play tennis twice a week, cricket once a week
He swims three times a week outside of school, and once a week in school.

This is ridiculous. It's too much for a Year 3 child for a start. He doesn't want to do tennis or cricket so drop them and let him do something he wants to do.
If he loves cycling, skiing, surfing, swimming and running he is sporty. It just seems he's not into what you consider to be sports.
You seem to be forcing him down a direction he isn't really interested. At that age children should be having a range of experiences across different areas such as sport, music, art, languages, design technology, whatever, so that they can discover what really interests them. One physical activity is important for health.
If the child shows a particular talent or aptitude for one area then they can start focussing in on that if they want to and doing more clubs or training sessions relating to that.

Keep the swimming, ditch the tennis and cricket. Let him choose something else he wants to do. See if there's anywhere he can get involved in cycling.

I don't think I'd have the same issue with another word to be honest, I don't really have an issue with introvert and extrovert for example (I know they don't map exactly)

Alpha literally means "First" or "Best", it comes from being the first letter in the greek alphabet. The "Alpha" star is the brightest in a constellation, an Alpha ray is bigger and more dangerous than a Beta ray. Pretty much everywhere you see the term used, it's used to mean bigger, better, brighter, stronger, faster.

When used for people, the term originates from animals. The Alpha is the leader of the group, the one in charge. The most common animal people know it from is wolves, the "alpha male" is in charge, the biggest, strongest, scariest one. (Funnily enough, despite originating the term, it turns out wolf packs don't actually tend to work like that, they don't actually have an alpha)

That's why I don't like using the terms to refer to people, even when used just to describe a personality type, the connotations of the word still give the impression that one is better than the other. Which just isn't true, people can be good leaders, or strong people, or dickheads, whether they're an "alpha" or a "beta".

I'm not going to lie and say this is all academic to me and I don't have any personal issues with the word. I once heard my Dad tell my Mum "He's so wet, such a beta male" just because I'd bought a bloody cuddly toy from Disney world as a kid.

Seems a lot for a year 3 kid. Depends if you're swimming with him and having fun on some of the trips ? Are you playing tennis with him and are the times flexible or are all three sessions of tennis lessons at fixed times?

if it's all scheduled and fixed and not mainly playing with you or family and friends then you're hot housing x

I think it sounds like heck of a lot of sport for a little kid who isn't actively asking to do it. I can't imagine my 8yo doing all this and my 11yo would flat out refuse.

And I also find alpha/beta terms really concerning, thanks to pp for a solid explanation of why.

Fair enough I get that

I think we forget though that we are social animals and some people are leaders and some arent, they take charge, soemtimes for the better, not always!!

What word then?

Because everything is so polarised. Im not an introvert for example. Im a very quiet, social person. A contradiction probably. I dont thrive and 'need' people around me, but eequally I like people around me and to be part of a group

I've only ever heard Alpha/Beta used by misogynists like Andrew Tate, so I can definitely see why the language would be seen as offensive. There's no need to categorise boys it to two boxes of Alpha or Beta.

Ive never read or heard anything he's said.

My point still stands, I think OP has an issue with his intrinsic being and risks being negative about his abilities and interests because she sees them as not being up to par with the other more sporty, more alpha (because I cant think of a different word) boys.

whereas he need to be valued and celebrated for who he is.

I’m sure it is - if your kid is a sporty kid.

Sounds like my youngest, who doesn’t enjoy team sports but does like certain independent sports -swimming, cycling and skiing all included as well. I get it - all those sports actually feel good to do compared to getting kicked about on a football pitch!

maybe yours doesn’t like the team aspect of football / rugby / cricket, maybe he doesn’t like the roughness of football and rugby. I would look more outside the box - is there a cycling club he can join (my nephew goes to a velodrome), or a dry ski slope (the one near us does club nights each week where they put out jumps etc, it’s really social). Would he enjoy climbing at a leisure centre, or athletics club, or a kids hiit workout session, or joining something like Scouts that does lots of games and hiking and camping. There’s lots of ways to stay active other than just team sports, and forcing him into them may kill his love of sport completely

If he's not enjoying it tennis or cricket then I'd switch to something else. Tennis and cricket are the kind of sports which are no fun if you're not very good at them. There are lots of other sports which don't require good hand eye co-ordination if that's not his thing.

In answer to your original question - my y3 does 4 x sports clubs a week (all around 45 mins - 1 hour long after school). Y5 kid does 5 sports clubs (1 x tennis, 3 x football training, 1 x football matches). This seems a good amount for them.

4 x after school / Saturday morning clubs would be considered normal for a y3 around here I think. They are meant to be doing about an hour of exercise a day I think? So 3 x swimming sessions, 2 x tennis and 1 x cricket would be 6 sports sessions a week which I think sounds above average, especially if your son doesn’t enjoy 3 of them

I'm not sure we need a word for it? You just said it, you're a quiet, social person, is that not descriptor enough?

You've said above that "some people are leaders and some aren't", that's a large part of the issue I have with the words. I presume you're referring to "Alphas" being leaders and "Betas" not, but there's plenty of "Betas" who are perfectly good leaders. I'm (hopefully) one of them.

I've always used the fact that I don't say much to my advantage. People listen to me precisely because I don't say a lot, because it makes what I do say seem more important in their heads. I sit in meetings and listen to the loud brash types argue their cases, and when they're running out of steam I pipe up with "I think we should go this route", 9 times out of 10 we end up going the way I wanted.

I think both sets of people can make good leaders, regardless of how dominant they may be.

Anyway, I don't want to derail the thread any more than I already have over semantics, so I'll shut up now

Well we sound identical to be fair. I am also a leader/manager but generally there is a word for everything as a descriptor. So yes, lets leave it there.

I think this sounds like loads for a little boy. Let him have down time to play! My DS was not that sporty and did not enjoy team sports at all (too worried about letting others down I think). What strikes me is that the sports you mention he enjoys are mostly single, not team activities. Our son (standard state comprehensive and primary) is very academic and found his group there, but also took up karate at 9 and loved it. It was a sport depending on him alone and he became a black belt by age 16. And met lots of lovely people through that too.

His sports weren’t that important to him as he was keen to do well academically, went on to get a first in a highly difficult degree then a very good corporate job. I’m a big believer in children having down time too.

It sounds like he enjoys individual pursuits more that team sports. Skiing surfing etc.

Why don’t you see how he likes athletics, karate, cycling? Not all boys can or want to be on the school football A team

Yeah. Things like go to work, clean the bathroom, go to school - those all have a purpose. Your year 3 child playing Tennis and Cricket when he doesn't want to doesn't have a purpose does it? Why can't he just sack them off and play Mario Cart if he’d prefer in YEAR 3? He does plenty of other activities.

Well for kids its more eat your veg, tidy your room, have a bath, turn that telly off.

Not do a boring sport that you dont like.

I think its a lot. And its a direct focus on sport across the board. Diversify a bit.

At that age, ds would swim once a week (about an hour - not a lesson) and did a weekly youth theatre for half the year with a proper show. He is like me, and never keen on team sports. He had the opportunity to do football and cricket when younger, but wasn't interested particularly. He is doing well at a selective secondary, where sport is high on the agenda, but not the be all and all.
Dd was having swimming lessons at Yr 3, so a 30 min session once a week and also did a ballet and tap class (90 mins) once a week. She would sometimes choose the sport based after school extra (football, fencing, tennis) but sometimes would opt for the drama group sessions.

At that age surely its just for fun. Don't get hung up on it, and don't push too much

Calm down and let him enjoy his childhood.

Yeah, you’re pushing him too hard. Also, your response to the beta comment is telling. Alpha/beta are bollocks terms, but it seems to have bothered you that your son might be labelled like that.