Am I hot housing?

[hothouser]

I can’t work out if I’m trying to hot house my son, or if I’m just doing similar to everyone else.

My son isn’t very sporty. He loves cycling, skiing, surfing, swimming, running about, playing Mario kart and Minecraft on the switch. Hugely into Lego, building stuff, imaginative games and art (despite not being very good at drawing).

I ask him to play tennis twice a week, cricket once a week.

He swims three times a week outside of school, and once a week in school.

He probably would quit tennis and cricket given half a chance but because we’ve already let him bin football and rugby I’m reluctant to let him do that. He doesn’t hate them, he just doesn’t love it.

Am I pushing too much, hot housing or doing the right thing?

I had a fairly neglectful childhood so I really don’t have a good basis on which to parent properly.

Please offer some advice if you can!

Your son sounds a lot like me when I was his age. I was basically a nerd, loved lego and pissing around on a computer, whether it was gaming, learning to code, playing with art programs etc.

I hated team sports. It wasn't that I hated exercise, I loved cycling, swimming, walks, climbing trees etc, I just had no interest in team sports, and because they weren't interesting, I didn't really put the effort into them. And because I didn't put the effort in, I wasn't very good. And because I wasn't very good, I worried my teammates were getting frustrated with me, which only made me hate the sport more, and so the whole vicious cycle went. Rather than helping me form friendships etc, team sports actively hindered those friendships.

However, it was much easier for my Dad to chuck me in rugby training for a couple of hours or drive me to a Karate class etc than it was to actually spend some time with his son doing the physical activities he enjoyed, so rugby it was.

Your son doesn't need to do sport he dislikes in order to make friends or "keep up" with them. He just needs to be happy with who he is. Encourage the interests he does have, make sure he gets enough exercise, and you'll have a happy kid.

Because it’s a sporty school and their reputation is bolstered by the boys who are county level or whatever.

Do you intend to keep your son at this sporty school for seniors? It’s not shameful to have a son who ho might be interested in other things pie art, STEM, coding or whatever.

How much sport to you do a week?

I thought hot-housing was a term used when trying to push your child academically by intensively schooling them for long periods and at levels above the standard set curriculum.

Encouraging kids to do extra curriculars when they can’t be bothered is pretty standard surely. I make my kids attend cubs/scouts and play an instrument when they’d rather sit on the sofa. That’s life! I wouldn’t call that hot-housing though.

No I just don’t think we should categorise people into Alphas and betas! Do you?

Do you allow your young son any peace? Why do you feel the need to have him active every waking hour and why insist he takes part in sports he doesn't like ?
I think you have issues and are taking them out on your poor child.

Because I think you’re rude for describing someone as beta

I go to the gym three times a week

You’re right I’m going to reassess the clubs when they refresh next term.

So he does sports 5 days a week ? And has 2 days just to chill ?
I think 5 days a week is a lot, with school aswel. Just school alone tires mine out and they have homework to do almost every day

It's a simple statement of fact.
My DS is Alpha - dominant, confident, extrovert; My DD is Beta - quiet, reserved, empathic, very musical.

They are different and couldn't have been moulded otherwise. It didn't stop either of them taking a first from Oxford and Cambridge respectively.

Future son in law's mother tried to make him alpha - it nearly broke him.

What's your issue?

People are though

signed - a Beta!

OP, I think you need to diversify his extra curricular activities. He only does one type, or does he do other things on top like chess or computers or cookery or anything else?

Its a bit one dimensional

Sounds like an active schedule but he is still young, I wouldn't worry to much so long as he has some downtime and can change his mind.

In the current Manosphere/Andrew Tate climate, the terms ‘alpha’ and ‘beta’ have taken on a life of their own

I think you’re right. Definitely going to look at the clubs next term

Oh dear OP, following up on my previous post

This is really really telling

You think someone was rude for describing him as a beta

Therefore you think theres something wrong with that, aka theres something wrong with your son

Theres nothing wrong with him, or betas or people who are more introverted and unsporty

You really need to think about how you view him. He'll grow up really insecure if he thinks hes not good enough because of his own particular interests, skills and quirks.

He is good enough, you need to push the bits of him that he is interested in and show you value those.

Does he get a lot of homework too?

If you were made to do a "hobby" twice a week that you didn't enjoy, how would you feel about it? If he has other things he enjoys and is getting other exercise I would say you could end up damaging your relationship by forcing him to do activities he doesn't enjoy when there is no real need. I say that as a child of pushy sporty parent. In my case it didn't make me more resilient or a better team player etc. What it did was made me grow up with the subconscious belief that my opinions and wishes didn't matter.
By all means keep encouraging your child to try new activities but please don't push your child to do activities they don't want to do long term.

My kids are at a private school, I understand the mentality of wanting to keep up but this is too much.

He is young. He sounds like a bright, capable and lovely boy. So what if he isn’t fastest at swimming or best at serving. He’s not going to be a Wimbledon champion even if he was. Sport is about fun and team work. Once it stops being fun all the benefits stop.

The parents I see (luckily not many as it’s not a pushy school) who push their kids too hard. Are also the ones who have kids who cry and get themselves worked up. “He’s an anxious child, he cares about winning” say the parents, but they have made him anxious and they care about winning.

Christ you sound intense.

“best school in the area”

he’s already doing eleventy billion sports. Give the lad a break!!

So he does six activities a week, plus the school swim. The swimming three times a week is alot, unless he’s an elite athlete.

I think at the moment, you’re fine if you can afford it, and he’s not getting tired in school, weekends, or feels pressurised. Some kids thrive with a lot if sport. Also, as long as he gets down time at home as well.

When he gets to senior school, you’ll probably have to cut them down.

As another "Beta", it's not a term I like either, and I haven't done since way before all the Andrew Tate style bollocks.

Even without all the extra connotations, it still gives the impression that quieter people are less important somehow. Just because I'm easy going and happy for someone else to take the lead most of the time, doesn't mean my opinions are less important or that I'm not capable of standing up for myself or getting my way if I want to

Celebrate your child for who he is rather than who you would like him to be. One of my (now adult) children didn’t do any sport at all because they hated it. They turned out fine.

It really really pisses me off when people don't include the age of your kid from the outset! Of course you're hot housing, you know you are, let your child have some freedom and agency!

Your posts make me sad, but don't surprise me. There's a private school in the area where a number of children have had their children rejected because they're not considered "leadership material". Clearly you're picking up on similar vibes.

At private school, I would expect at least one extra curricular at school - tennis or cricket. But I don't think much more than that is necessay. If he likes cycling, why not suggest the school start a cycling club? I imagine other childlren would be intersted, and that's supposed to be one of the benefits of private school - their ability to pivot to offer what parents want.