Conversation about breastfeeding…

[Ftm7654]

Hello,

im pregnant with my first child and was speaking to dh about breastfeeding, saying that I think I only want to breastfeed for a few weeks and then probably just express the milk and give it in a bottle. He said he thinks that’s cold and I won’t have a good connection with the baby. He said he thinks women who breastfeed are better mothers and more connected to their babies.

This has made me feel quite down and a bit like he thinks I’ll be a rubbish mum which has upset me. How would you handle discussing this with your spouse without turning it into an argument?

Only the person doing the breast feeding and an fully informed health care professional should be giving their opinion. He is going to tell you what pain relief you can have in labour next?

TBH, I'd just leave it. He doesn't know anything about it really. It's sad that he doesn't sound very supportive but once baby arrives, he may be different.

Until your baby is born, you can't really know how feeding will go so IME it's not worth thinking too much about it now. When the time comes, do what works best for you and baby.

With DD1, there never seemed to be enough milk so I topped her up about 30% each time with SMA.
With DD2 breastfeeding worked great but she wasn't able to get on with bottles so she was EBF until weaning.

Sounds a bit like my ex…he’s was a “know all” as well.

He can breastfeed baby then. Oh wait, he can't so his opinion is irrelevant really as it is your body and your choice.

Of course mothers who don't breastfeed have a good connection with their babies.

I have heard women who've done both say that they felt closer to their breastfed baby than their formula fed baby ONLY WHILE THE BABY WAS TINY AND FEEDING but not later on. There obviously is going to be a difference but I'm not sure that it's significant. Breastfeeding is optimal in many ways, but formula is adequate nutrition and I'm sure that you will be a lovely caring mum whichever method you choose. And it is very much your choice, not your husband's.

Why are you planning to do this? IMO, if you get breastfeeding established it is so much easier than expressing and bottle feeding. It’s always on tap, you’ll always have the right amount, there’s no risk of contamination, there’s no waiting around for a hungry baby you get everything ready, you don’t have to sterilise bottles, and it’s free.

Why buy a dog and bark yourself?

He gets to choose who sucks on his nipples, you get to decide who sucks on yours.

Having said that, expressing milk is way more work the feeding directly, so you may change your mind once you've done both, but whatever you choose, it's your choice.

Your DH doesn’t really get an opinion imo.
Does he think he won’t have a good connection with his own child because he won’t breastfeed it?

I’ve breastfed my kids for varying lengths of time and bottle fed them along side and it never impacted our bond.

But I would he worried about this sort of comment from your DH. Calling someone a better mother for a different choice is quite concerning, really look for other controlling moments with him.

Your boobs, your choice. End of discussion.

Keep your options open though. I breastfed DS & am currently BFing newborn DD. I will express a small freezer stash once she is over 6 weeks (to minimise the chance of creating an oversupply) so I can have a long bath / go for a haircut in peace but I found expressing such a faff with all the sterilising of pump, bottles etc rather than just lifting up my top. Expressing multiple times a day to feed from a bottle wouldn't have worked for me but we are all different

Not his choice as he’ll be snoozing soundly while you’re up all night doing the work. That said, expressing milk to bottle feed is bloody hard work and not something anyone would choose if they had other options. I’ve expressed milk (hard and exhausting), I’ve formula fed (fine but a lot of faff) and I’ve breastfed (by far the easiest of the three and I got the most sleep). Give it a go when your baby is here and see what works best for you.

Totally your choice and his role is to support you. Personally I wouldn’t make any hard and fast decisions at this stage though. You may find breastfeeding super easy and want to stick with it or you may find it really hard to establish and you move to formula early on. Better to be open and flexible for now.

Well he's a twat and he's wrong. But I was far too lazy to express regularly.

I suspect there will be plenty of other hills to die on with this breastfeeding expert.

This one is a bit pointless at this stage as you might change your mind or not be able to breastfeed or have a bottle refuser.

Whatever happens his comments make him sound like a dick and it's really your choice. For what it's worth I had to express feed and it was a shit ton of work but I honestly don't think it affected my bond at all and did it fuck make me a worse mother. This guy!!! What's he even basing his little nuggets of wisdom on.

He actually sounds nasty and manipulative.

I’ve breastfed 4 children and expressed for a fifth. I’d discuss with him what he will be doing to support you breastfeeding rather than the mechanics of where your nipples are. I think fathers who don’t support their child’s mother are useless and their children see and know it. What kind of dad and what kind of man does he want to be? So far the only thing I’ve heard about him is subpar.

I don’t think I would even bother engaging in this conversation with him OP because his ignorant mind is very much made up already, based on nothing, so it’s pointless trying to change his mind.

For what its worth I breastfed my first and currently breastfeeding my second and breastfeeding is so, so much easier than expressing and then bottle feeding.

He’s being a complete arse about it, but honestly just whipping a boob out and latching your baby within seconds is far less faff than pissing about sterilising and assembling pumps, labelling bags and making sure you are pumping enough to maintain your supply. Pumping made me really anxious and obsessive about output, so I stopped pumping and just carried on BF.

I would be wondering where this opinion came from - in my experience men don't really think about this kind of thing. Is it his mum? Sister? Incel stuff online?

If it’s going to be an argument let it be an argument. Not only has he expressed an unsolicited and uninformed opinion, he’s done it in a patently hurtful way. Sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you won’t be tolerating his bullshit advice about the birth and feeding the baby. Put him straight now be for he starts getting notions about pain relief or C sections.

Expressing is very much the worst of both worlds. Much harder work than either option, and minus many of the benefits of breastfeeding: less skin to skin, less beneficial microbial transfer, and you aren't making use of the live-feedback nature of breastfeeding.

I recommend either breastfeed or use formula, or do a mix of both... but honestly do not bother expressing.

I'm a big fan of breastfeeding but I do believe most of the benefits are from the skin to skin, active antibodies and live-feedback (the way your breastmilk adapts to the time of day, temperature, and whether your child is ill). You get none of that expressing and the antibodies degrade in the fridge/freezer.

When you express, it's a cold machine and pinching and uncomfortable. You have to do it at all hours and it's time consuming and always has a disappointing yield. I hated doing it when I went back to work.

Everyone I know, without exception, who started expressing regularly, quit breastfeeding altogether within a couple of months. Those I know who did mix feeding carried on for years, as I did.

Your dh has no idea what he's talking about but he is right (for the wrong reason) imo.

Expressing is the worst of any option so you are being extremely naive.

Equally, your DH sounds like a twat.

Wow so much pressure he’s putting on you and since when is he an expert lol. He probably just doesn’t want to have to help!! I bottle fed my second and I am utterly obsessed with him as he is with me!! I felt so bonded from day 1 and have basically spent the last year cuddling!! So of course there are loads of benefits breastfeeding but it does not automatically make you a better mother or more connected to your baby. 🤦‍♀️

Yeah this sums it up briefer than I managed.

There’s pros and cons to both, which I’m not going to get into because at the end of the day it’s a very personal choice. However, what I would bear in mind is that if you are EBF and not pumping or using formula, the night feeds will be solely on you…

If you exclusively breastfeed, it's true that you do the night feeding, but you can roll over, latch on, then latch off, roll over and go back to sleep.

It's nothing like trudging to the kitchen, getting the formula (or expressed BM) to the right temperature which takes ages while your baby screams in starving desperation, and then spending ages burping them because they gulped air out of the bottle... take this from someone who has been through it!

They're your boobs, OP. He literally does not get a say. If he says it again, tell him to stfu.