Conversation about breastfeeding…

[Ftm7654]

Hello,

im pregnant with my first child and was speaking to dh about breastfeeding, saying that I think I only want to breastfeed for a few weeks and then probably just express the milk and give it in a bottle. He said he thinks that’s cold and I won’t have a good connection with the baby. He said he thinks women who breastfeed are better mothers and more connected to their babies.

This has made me feel quite down and a bit like he thinks I’ll be a rubbish mum which has upset me. How would you handle discussing this with your spouse without turning it into an argument?

Do whatever suits you and your baby. You won’t know what works until you give it a try - oh and tell your husband to keep his nose out. What does he know about being a better mother? Did he BF in a previous life? Twat.

That wasn't my experience of bottle feeding at all.

I had everything in the bedroom including a perfect prep and also didn't have to get out of bed.

I just used premade formula during the times I needed a bottle overnight. The bottle is already sterilised, formula is room temp and poured into the bottle in the same length of time it would take me to pop a boob out and latch baby.
No screaming starving desperation involved. It was incredibly simple and easy.

I always wonder why people on mumsnet act like bottle feeding is akin to actual rocket science.

he doesn’t really get an opinion. It’s also a highly uneducated opinion at that.
You don’t know until baby arrives how feeding will go. It may not work or it may work brilliantly.
expressing may not work? It may work but you may despite it (I did) or it may work out great.
however way it unfolds for you and baby when baby arrives you will work with and find your flow and what works for you and your baby… without the added pressure and unfounded assumptions from your partner.

Yep! So often on here people make it seem like you need a degree in infant feeding to be able to pour a bottle in the night.

Does he sound like the sort of man who is going to get up and do night feeds? He doesn't to me.

I know. It's really odd.

We used pre-made too although it's astonishingly expensive (but we only used one bottle per day with dc2). However, many babies including my dc1 won't tolerate room temp bottles and need it warmed up.

I have experience of both - do you? Because I've found people who are biggest fans of formula never did breastfeed at all. Whereas if you've done both then you're more likely to think breastfeeding is easier.

No one mentioned rocket science. Just that it's a chore.

Once baby arrives you may change your mind anyway, no point getting into arguments over hypotheticals

Is he worried he won’t have a good connection to the baby? I imagine not.

As an aside, I think expressing can be the worst of both worlds. It’s still time consuming, and with a small baby it can be hard to find the time to put them down and express. Breastfeeding and formula feeding both offer different types of convenience which suit different mothers - I’ve done both. Expressing, for me, didn’t really offer the convenience of either.

Sounds a bit of a thicko, I’d scoff at him, ‘you’ll make a bit of a shit dad then won’t you according to your own theory’, roll eyes and change the subject as he isn’t informed enough on this one.

Just wondering why you are being insulting and sarcastic about breastfeeding mothers, using phrases like rocket science or "needing a degree", implying we are stupid or incompetent?

No one criticised formula feeding mothers, I just said that I found it a chore and said why.

Just thought you might reflect why that's made you so defensive/lash out in this way. It's a disproportionately sarcastic response to someone saying they found bottle feeding a chore

Maybe scratch his nipples until they bleed, and keep doing it every couple of hours and ask him if he wants to carry on like that indefinitely? Because that was my experience of breastfeeding so I switched to exclusively pumping milk and did that for 6 months with each baby before switching to formula.

it's your body, and your choice, he doesn't get a say to be honest. Being a mother is complex and there are many elements that all add up to you being a great mother. How you feed your child is a drop in the ocean.

Regardless of how you feed your baby, they will be getting plenty of warmth and cuddles I'm sure.

Totally your choice but I'd not fall out over it now. Once baby is here you'll likely both see everything a lot differently, as the real deal is nothing like you can imagine.

Personally, I hated pumping and expressing, it was a form of torture. I found breastfeeding easy and did feel a slightly stronger connection as others couldn't feed baby (she was a bit of a pass the parcel when she had a bottle- anyone who came in wanted a go of feeding her).

I combi fed two children, I went from full BFing for about 4 months so a really slow transition to combi with 1 bottle, then 2 and 3 until they were off bottles and the breast when they were weaned onto food fully.
I just didn’t experience this version where sterilising a bottle and making one up was such a faff with all this screaming every time like I keep seeing people talk about.

I agree with your husband. Can I ask why you only plan to go through the effort to establish breastfeeding and then switch to expressing and using a bottle? Why not cut out the middle man and keep going yourself? Expressing is really tedious also. Breastfeeding is so much more than just feeding, it’s comfort, it aids calm and sleep, it’s honestly such an amazing thing to have in your toolkit. See how it goes, you may love it and the connection it brings you with your baby. Plus as I mentioned, it really can be a lifesaver when you have a fussy baby who needs calming.

OK. Like I said, it's OK to disagree and say "I didn't find it a chore" but to use all this sarcasm to imply I'm stupid like it's as inaccessible as rocket science to me is disproportionate.

Well done, you didn't find bottle feeding a chore, but many of us did. Such a bonkers thing to feel superior about

You agree with her husband that breastfeeding mums are better? Fucking hell.

Oh get a grip, I’m not being sarcastic about breastfeeding mothers for stating making up a bottle isn’t that hard and there’s no need for babies to be left screaming.

You’re the one being hugely defensive and lashing out, there isn’t anything at all in my comment that suggested it inferred breastfeeding mothers are stupid. I’ve breastfed 2 children for god sake.
All I’m doing is inputting my opinion for the OP that making up a bottle really isn’t this big faff and it’s never something I’ve heard anyone agree with in the real world, so she shouldn’t be put off by the horror stories on here.

You are having a baby you should be able to say “ hey what you said yesterday made me feel……”

he should apologise profusely
snd be careful what he says in future

if it turns into an argument I’d advice counselling as a simple discussion should not turn into an argument

Your body your choice. You may start your breastfeeding journey and want to continue it past the time you originally thought you would or you could start it and want to stop at the time you originally thought and both are absolutely ok.

Op you don’t have to justify your choices to anyone.

I would encourage an honest conversation now with your partner about his attitude and clear lack of knowledge and that you won’t be tolerating it any further.

I didn’t even try to breastfeed DC2 because of the horrible experience with DC1. My bond with my babies wasn’t impacted in any way by how i fed them, it was impacted because both of them were shit sleepers.

It doesn't actually matter what I, or anyone else on this thread might think is best. This is about you, your body and your baby, and the only thing that matters in this situation is what feels right to you.

Your DH gets an equal right to decide on how the child is parented, but he doesn't get to make any calls on what you decide to do with your own body.

You've turned it into an intelligence thing by all this talk of rocket science and degrees. I'm not being defensive, I'm pointing out how off that is.

It's obviously nothing to do with intelligence. Some babies cry while waiting for their bottle and it can be torture to listen to. Lucky you that yours didn't, or that it didn't affect you much if they did.

I'm just prompting you to consider why you've related it to intelligence markers like degrees and rocket science.

Well, he's obviously wrong and a bit of a twat about women who breastfeed automatically being better mothers.

However, exclusively pumping is massive amount of work. The only women I know, who do it, aren't doing it out of choice. It's because they couldn't breastfeed directly because of latching issues or other medical problems. There is basically no benefit to you since you'll still have to get up in the night to pump.

Starting breastfeeding and then switching to pumping after a few weeks for no reason does seem odd to me. Do whatever works for you though.