Conversation about breastfeeding…

[Ftm7654]

Hello,

im pregnant with my first child and was speaking to dh about breastfeeding, saying that I think I only want to breastfeed for a few weeks and then probably just express the milk and give it in a bottle. He said he thinks that’s cold and I won’t have a good connection with the baby. He said he thinks women who breastfeed are better mothers and more connected to their babies.

This has made me feel quite down and a bit like he thinks I’ll be a rubbish mum which has upset me. How would you handle discussing this with your spouse without turning it into an argument?

You are being weirdly defensive. Multiple comments.

And I say this as someone who breastfed DC1 for 18 months and is currently breastfeeding DC2. @goz is not personally attacking you or denigrating breastfeeding. She’s just saying that making up bottles isn’t a big deal, as it’s not.

Come on, now.

I’m not sure I’d agree. I’ve breastfed and formula fed, and I do think it’s a bit rude to say to someone who says they found preparing bottles to be a difficult faff “it’s not rocket science” “why are you finding it hard??”

He's being a twat about it op. I breastfed until my ds was 2 and I can tell you now that I don't have a better relationship with him than my best friend who formula fed does with her child. Expressing is breastfeeding.

Yes on population levels there are certain benefits and most benefits (especially those benefits for the mother) do correlate with length of time they breastfed for. But it's in no way going to break the bank. As the saying goes they all end up eating chicken nuggets and things they found on the floor eventually.

So ultimately breastfeeding needs to work for mother and baby. So only you can decide what you want to do and how you're going to do it. I will also say that breastfeeding is hard and very intense in the early weeks so it's good to get some support around you before baby arrives. Get a meeting booked in with a bf consultant to learn about bf and expression and how to avoid mastitis etc. Look into what bf support groups are in your area so you can go as soon as possible. It will also give you lots of impartial advice and support to feed in the best way that suits you and your baby irregardless of your dhs notions. If he makes any comment like that again he needs to be pulled up on it.

I think it’s just completely unnecessary to make it seem like bottle feeding is so over the top and complicated to an almost new mother who’s unsure which feeding route to go down and considering bottles.
Out of all the pros and cons from the various options making a bottle up is really the most minor thing and to use it in an off putting way to her is just not useful imo.

All I’m doing is offering my opinion to the OP that it’s really not difficult at all and certainly shouldn’t factor into what she wants to do.

He should’nt be saying that, you’re the one breastfeeding.

Having said that, once established breastfeeding is far easier than faffing around with expressing and bottles.

You personally finding it a faff is very different to telling OP that she will have the same experience as you if she bottle feeds which is pretty much what you did in your first comment.

@Kingdomofsleep I’ve done both and think your experience/description of formula feeding is very extreme which I think is what other posters were getting at. I found both easy to do at night. Pour pre-made formula into a bottle, latch baby on. Same difference. I’ve never had a baby screaming in desperation as you have. I don’t think this experience is the norm so I’m unsure why you’re presenting it as a difference in breastfeeding vs formula feeding. Sounds like it was a specific issue with your child.

@Ftm7654 I’ve also pumped and it really is the worst of both worlds. I’d recommend seeing how you get on with breastfeeding and if it works for you great, if not move to formula or if you find it’s a supply issue combi feeding is also an option. As an aside. Your DH is being very mean to you and I’d be addressing that before baby arrives. Good luck.

The op says she will breastfeed and then express and give the milk in a bottle.

There isn’t any way faffing with expressing and giving a bottle can be easier than breastfeeding.

I’m guessing he doesn’t want anything to do with night feeds

I've formula fed one and breastfed one, there is no difference to attachment and closeness. You do what works for you.

I think he’s wrong and it’s not really up to him

However I wouldn’t have anything too fixed in your mind yet either, expressing is way more of a hassle than just feeding from your breast especially at night when you can feed lying down when you’re tired. Keep an open mind and see how you go - lots of mums combi feed successfully too breast & expressed or breast and formula, or you might decide not to bother with bottles at all

pp also discussed 'trudging' to the kitchen to get formula.

I'd say that it also depends on the breastfeeding experience, not everyone finds that easy either.

He knows nothing about it!
Having done both for months I found I felt far more connected and bonded bottle feeding than breastfeeding. Bottle feeding you can make eye contact and look into your baby’s face. Breastfeeding was just miserable.

But I wouldn’t do too much planning in advance. I’d intended to EBF and express the odd bottle so I could have a break but I ended up with milk delay thanks to a difficult birth and then low supply - turned out I would never have been able to EBF!

Yep I’m going to bet he thinks the role of a ‘good mother’ is to do all the night care too.

I bottle fed my first, breastfed my second for 2 years. I can confidently say the bond and attachment with my children is exactly the same and hasn’t been at all influenced by how they were fed as infants. If you fancy giving breastfeeding a go, go for it, I enjoyed it (particularly now having to sit up for overnight feeds or make bottles at 3am!) and definitely found it more convenient once I got the knack of it. I also planned to express but it turned out to just be so much more faff than just getting a boob out so didn’t bother. See how you get on and take it as it comes.

Bollocks. Just ignore him and tell him that baby will dictate what happens. Although YABU to try and plan how the baby feeds. They will call all the shots.

i found reading a book about bf really helped a lot. The food of love is a good one.

Only thing I’d say is sack off any thoughts of expressing, and just go straight to formula.

expressing is a bitch. It slows your supply, so you have to work twice as hard. It’s a constant round of expressing, feeding, washing, sterilising, and back to expressing.

it really isn’t as simple as “just express the milk and give it in a bottle”

breastfeed as long as you want. If you want to stop the actual bf, do yourself a favour and go straight to formula.

as for dad, if there’s a hierarchy to how good a parent is depending on how they feed their baby, if he does no feeds does tha make him a shit parent?

Yeah…. He knows nothing. Do your research around breastfeeding, pumping, bottles etc. before baby arrives. I’d recommend going to an infant feeding group too to speak with other mothers who can give you real advice and tips.
Speaking as a breastfeeding mother, I’m no more or less “connected” to my current baby as I was to my first, bottle fed one. In fact, I (like almost every mother!) found the experience of becoming a first time mum way harder than anyone could ever have prepared me for. Bottle feeding saved my sanity and improved my bond with my daughter as a result whilst I went through the biggest transition of my life to date.
From the way your partner speaks though he’s clearly hoping to get a free pass from doing any night feeds. All the more reason to introduce a bottle, whether it’s pumped or formula. He doesn’t deserve to get off that lightly.

When he has bosoms and a miIlk supply, he gets a say.

Your husband is odd at beat and a twat at worst.

However, exclusively pumping is really really hard! So much harder than breastfeeding! I've breastfed for 6 years almost constant and I pumped as well to donate milk - I responded really well to a pump but only because I was also feeding a baby. I only pumped once or twice a day depending on whether I could be bothered and I didn't need to worry about how much I made because my baby was reliant on it (in fact, my baby wouldn't take it). I absolutely would not have done it instead of breastfeeding. There's 0 benefits to it over breastfeeding (you HAVE to do night pumps as that's whan the hormone that keeps milk production going is most active).

I think ideally fathers should go along with what mums want to do and be supportive. I also wonder if he doesn't want to do nights.

Is he giving birth? Does he have breasts that produce milk? yep; that’s what I thought.