Parenting making DH depressed

[Teebobble]

DH disclosed to me that he really struggles with parenting and thinks he is depressed. Our son is nearly 2.

Things that are getting him down are;

• we have no support nearby so never get a break unless the other parent takes DS for the day.
• DS is a terrible sleeper, wakes 2-3 times a night and always has done (this may be due to medical reasons - pending investigations). DH really doesn’t cope with lack of sleep so sleeps in the spare room
• we never have any time just the two of us
• the evenings are very long. Finishing work at 4 or 5 then DS doesn’t go to bed until after 9
• he feels it’s a bit like ground hog day
• the constant responsibility of running a house and raising a toddler
• he has lost his hobbies of playing football, hillwalking and going to the football. He plays one night a week but feels guilty about it
• is still struggling to adjust to the lack of freedom

He wfh so he is quite isolated but doesn’t want to change jobs to something where he will work face to face with colleagues.

A lot of my social needs are met through work and I get a lot from my job. It’s very rewarding. I have family who live closer by so I can see them now and again plus I’ve made a wonderful group of mum friends. I feel bad that his life seems to have changed for the worse but mine has changed for the better. The only downside for me is the lack of sleep and I rarely get time to myself, but I’ve accepted this is the season of life I am in.

DH carries a lot of frustration and resentment regarding the way things are (lack of support, lack of sleep, feels like his life has stagnated).

Does anyone have any advice please?

I have suggested he seeks therapy and have told him I am happy to pick up the slack in the meantime if he needs more downtime for himself.

I can identify with most of your DH's gripes - parenting is hard and sometimes I feel really down about how hard life is.

For me, things have gotten easier as they have got older - our eldest is 4.5 now and I can go for a run with him on his bike, for example. It's a small thing but it makes so much difference to my life. I look forward to the weekends much more. I guess he can't take your son to the football just yet but it won't be too long until he can. Can he go for a hike with your son in a carrier? All you can do is encourage him to do things which will improve his life and reassure him that it won't be like this forever. It can be hard to make changes or think to the future when you feel down.

He is a grown up. He needs to step up and be the best parent he can be despite how he is feeling. If you don’t mind, then maybe he could pick up one of his hobbies again to get some social interaction but the onus should be on him to make a change - it’s not your fault he’s feeling low. If he is feeling depressed then he should go to the doctor or self refer to talking therapies. This is his problem to solve and, whilst you can support him, he needs to make changes himself.

And what about you, op???

How are you coping??

I bet you are coping just fine.

Aside from that, you need to focus on getting your child to sleep sooner

9pm is too late.

Hold on, you don't mention any childcare. Is he working from home round a toddler?

I’d agree 9 is very late op, plus it’ll get you a bit more time together. You both need hobbies and time out, when you say he sleeps in a different room, are you co sleeping or does your child not have a bed yet or is it due to the medical reason? I’d guess sleeping in a different room doesn’t help mh, I’d miss the closeness and the chats! Saying that good about your job and make sure you keep on enjoying life as it’s hard dealing with all you’re dealing with x

DS is with a family member one day a week and at the childminder 3 days a week whilst we work.

I agree 9pm is far too late but he is very low sleep needs and we are struggling a bit with the childminder allowing him to sleep too long or too late (she’s amazing in every other way and don’t have the energy to change due to only naps).

DS comes in to the bed usually around 2am. I do this to maximise sleep. Me and DS get much more sleep this way. We tried settling him in his own bed for every wake but it meant me being awake for 30 mins plus at a time and having a terrible sleep

Also I am coping fine and whilst it’s hard work I am very happy in all aspects of my life. I feel guilty that DH doesn’t feel the same. It does make me a little harder to put myself in his shoes because I’ve been lucky enough to never have suffered from low mood and I am able to accept it’s only going to be this hard for a short time

Why don't you get a babysitter once a month (or ask your fairly close family) so you can share an adult meal out/movie trip etc.
Suggest a weekend away with some of his old mates.
As above, try and find strategies for getting DS settled earlier in the evenings.
Don't know your location but, with the hillwalking, my DH sometimes goes out at 5am in the summer and does a reasonable hike, returning at 9am so it doesn't impact our days too much.
Could DH find a toddler swim session or similar that he can take DS to and it's mostly a Dad thing? Our local cricket club do a summer group from age 3.
These issues are for a short time in the scheme of things, but I understand it feels relentless when you are in the middle of it. Implementing nights out, early morning treks etc.might help him see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My DH had similar and it improved when he got out the house more and sleep improved. 9pm would depress me too. I think you need to be a bit firmer about the nap. As long as you also get time out why can't he do his hobbies?

But also beware of pandering to him too much. There is only so much you can do when a child is small and doesn't sleep - life is hard. You only have to look on here at how many mothers are struggling in the trenches and hating every second of it, and they don't have the ability to go for nice long hikes alone or play football every weekend. It's just head down and slog through. If he gets time off for himself, make sure you get the same too; just because you are breezing through just now doesn't mean you don't need a break occasionally.

First off, well done for your DH for saying something when it’s still fixable. But it’s not solely on you to fix it. He’s listed a lot of things that he doesn’t like about his life, but little in the way of what he wants his life to look like. So the first step is to work out what he wants your/his life to look like. You can’t do that step for him. Once you have that you can work out where you can make changes.

Also to add some of those things are just life with a young kid so focus on changing what you can.

Why don’t you hat a babysitter and go out together occasionally ? Ask family or a friends teenage or a nursery nurse . It would do you good to reconnect .

with the childminder allowing him to sleep too long or too late (she’s amazing in every other way and don’t have the energy to change due to only naps).
Maybe he doesn't need the naps anymore have you mentioned this to the childminder.

Sounds like a man-child feeling sorry for himself. Poor man, has to be a parent. It's literally the life of a parent of a small child, sucks, he needs to deal with it.

Totally get your thoughts behind this but at the end of the day I want our son to have a happy dad and not a miserable dad so I am happy to help support him to get to a better place.

We definitely will call upon help a bit more often.

It’s a good point that he needs to know what he wants his life to look like and then make the changes

Can’t you both take a half day every month and go out for lunch before picking up your DC from nursery?
I’m struggling to see why he’s lost his hobbies? With 2 parents and 1 DC it should be relatively easy to still trade off for hobbies. He could do one or two evenings surely?
Some of this sounds like a case of him not wanting to but then moaning about the consequences.
Things like Groundhog Day and moaning about the responsibility of having a child are ultimately things he just needs to get over. As harsh as that may sound.

He should go to therapy. Life with one small child shouldn’t feel this hard and depressing. Yes it’s hard, but it’s also fun and joyful. I wonder if something from his own childhood is being activated in his mind. I’m not sure that this level of malaise will be fixed by date nights and hobbies, but obviously it’s worth a try.

My husband made lots of parent friends when he looked after our child on his own. That might also help.

What a nasty thing to say. He’s said he is unhappy and OP is asking for advice.

Personally, I would put some effort into your relationship and into helping him to find joy - get a babysitter and go out for a drink or to the cinema once in a while. Take it in turns to go out in the evening or at weekends to do a sport or with a friend. You really do need to nurture a marriage if you want it to thrive. I speak as a twice married woman.

and I would ask the childminder to cap your son’s naps at 45 mins. Get your evenings back!

Wonder if you’d say that if a mum came on here (as they do often) and expressed feeling of depression since having kids? What I tend to see in those cases is lots of supportive messages and suggestions for how to improve their lives. Maybe you’re on those threads telling women not to feel sorry for themselves too?

But that would be the woman looking for advice, taking steps to seek help. This is a man who is just putting it on his wife. None of those things are things SHE can change, she's even the one putting up with the sleep deprivation while he sleeps a full night in another room.

He's the only one that can make his life better. Blaming family life on being depressed is frankly immature.

Definitely ask the childminder to cap his nap - our 2yo won’t go to sleep until 9pm if he naps late or for two long. Sometimes it’s unavoidable but typically we te and cap it or get him to sleep earlier in the day.

He’s shared his feelings with her. That’s not the same as expecting her to fix everything. Also you have no idea if he’s depressed or not, none of us do.

DH really doesn’t cope with lack of sleep so sleeps in the spare room

So he effectively gets an entire bedroom to himself, undisturbed for the entire night and is still depressed?! Are you handling the night wakings or is he handling them?