Parenting making DH depressed

[Teebobble]

DH disclosed to me that he really struggles with parenting and thinks he is depressed. Our son is nearly 2.

Things that are getting him down are;

• we have no support nearby so never get a break unless the other parent takes DS for the day.
• DS is a terrible sleeper, wakes 2-3 times a night and always has done (this may be due to medical reasons - pending investigations). DH really doesn’t cope with lack of sleep so sleeps in the spare room
• we never have any time just the two of us
• the evenings are very long. Finishing work at 4 or 5 then DS doesn’t go to bed until after 9
• he feels it’s a bit like ground hog day
• the constant responsibility of running a house and raising a toddler
• he has lost his hobbies of playing football, hillwalking and going to the football. He plays one night a week but feels guilty about it
• is still struggling to adjust to the lack of freedom

He wfh so he is quite isolated but doesn’t want to change jobs to something where he will work face to face with colleagues.

A lot of my social needs are met through work and I get a lot from my job. It’s very rewarding. I have family who live closer by so I can see them now and again plus I’ve made a wonderful group of mum friends. I feel bad that his life seems to have changed for the worse but mine has changed for the better. The only downside for me is the lack of sleep and I rarely get time to myself, but I’ve accepted this is the season of life I am in.

DH carries a lot of frustration and resentment regarding the way things are (lack of support, lack of sleep, feels like his life has stagnated).

Does anyone have any advice please?

I have suggested he seeks therapy and have told him I am happy to pick up the slack in the meantime if he needs more downtime for himself.

There’s no point putting dc to bed earlier! They will probably wake up 4 times in the night. Not waking up is key. Maybe allow dc to cry and start sleep training. Hopefully that will be possible - short pain for longer term gain. Is dc hungry or just wanting a cuddle?

DH needs to get out more. Just to do something. He sounds like a house Hermit and working from home really gives him little opportunity to be with people let alone socialise. Is he looking after baby too? He just needs a bit of life back minus baby. Not unreasonable. You just need to get him out of the house and doing something for him.

It sounds like he's very socially isolated, and you understand his perspective on it. It doesn't really sound like the compressed hours are working for your family though. Only one night a week to do a hobby is the bare minimum. Could you swap your work hours - either dropping a day or switching back to 5 days? & Then take turns having hobbies 2 nights a week each, plus one weekend morning each. Time together one night a week, and family time every weekend afternoon. Tends to be the winning formula for most tired toddler families.

Can you adjust anything so he can go to football? He sounds very socially out of it which is not a good place to be.

You both need to stress to the childminder about DS not sleeping too much in the day. Drop his sleep completely and see if that helps.

I can’t change which days I work. DS is only at childcare 3 days a week (I collect him from my family members on a Monday) so DH can do his hobby on a Monday, Friday Saturday or Sunday.

Whilst I appreciate what you’re saying with regards to me being fortunate to be fulfilled at work and have friends from mat leave, I disagree that my work/life is set up the way I want at the expense at his. I work full time hours in a very high pressured job (I’m the bread winner too FWIW) over 4 days and also have a commute (I’m out the house 11-12 hours a day).

DH can work flexible hours and his work day is 7 hours long with no commute.

Not posted before regarding this topic, could you send a link as I’d be interested to read the responses?

@Teebobble you say you have no support but your DC goes to a family member one day a week. Can nearby family not babysit so you can both go out once in a while?

Unfortunately to drop a day at work would drop £12k per year from my salary, it just isn’t feesable. Going back to 5 days a week would cost us £350 extra per month in child care, also not feesable

Did he want children? Was it a mutual decision?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5491668-to-ask-dh-to-consider-changing-hobby?page=13&reply=150758393

@Teebobble speaking as a financially stretched toddler parent I know the struggle! Is there any middle ground where you could swap any non necessities for time?

Maybe others will be along with better advise, but it sounds like change is needed to me. Either making more me / couple time work in your current time constraints, or reducing your time constraints to allow.

So, assuming DH finishes work at 4 or 5 (depending whether he starts at 8 or 9), could he have a regular day when he finishes work, picks up DS from nursery and takes him swimming for an hour/puts him in a carrier and goes for a walk/something physical? I know it's hard to find baby/toddler stuff in the late afternoon/evening, but now it's starting to get lighter it could be lovely to get out in the early evening - the exercise would help him, and your DS might sleep better too.

You've got friends from mat leave but he really needs a village too. Have you got a local park where parents of toddlers tend to go? Or does he know any of the other parents from childcare? At rising 2 it's not a bad age to start suggesting a playdate - if anyone else picks up at 4 or 5 the two of them could maybe take the kids to the park together?

On the weekends, is there any kind of toddler group that'd let him do something with DS and also get to know other dads?

I know it sounds really sexist to harp on about 'dads' but I think there is a really tricky stage where mums know their friends from antenatal groups, and it can be hard for dads to find their place. Plus having a regular conversation with another adult who is dealing with the same stage with their child is absolutely invaluable.

Sorry just reread your post. Has he actually asked you to do anything? Or have you just assumed that’s what he wants? It’s just that you haven’t written if he has or not as far as I can see?

No naps during the day and in bed by 7/7.15 I think should be the start.

Not if he has a long nap

Sorry, I think my phrasing was too harsh and a bit unkind! I'm really sorry about that, it wasn't fair.

I also missed that he is still doing football one evening a week, which seems reasonable.

But like a pp said, I think compressed hours is putting a lot of strain on all of you. Your DH may in theory have more flexibility and no commute, but in reality isn't that almost totally constrained by needing to pick up (and drop off?) your DS from the childminder? And then parent a tired and grumpy toddler until nearly bedtime?

You have my sympathy. My DS was similarly low sleep-needs, but also frustratingly unable to cope with no nap for ages. It was grindingly exhausting and I felt a lot of guilt about both just not enjoying evenings with DS and also only really seeing him in the evening/at the weekend because of work. At least in the summer you can take him to the park after pick-up! And by this time next year he will have dropped the nap fully and hopefully be asleep by 8pm rather than 9!

What is the point of this question? Genuinely. Are you saying that OP somehow raped him, forced him to ejaculate inside her and conceive a child and therefore he should be free to, what, walk away?

Plenty of men want children. Plenty of men want children without realising how much work is involved and how boring such work actually is. Women don't get to opt out.

Plenty of women feel depressed at how boring and isolating motherhood can be. No one gets to walk away. He is a grown up who has a duty to his child and a duty to himself to make it work.

His problem is his WFH job, not his child.

I suggested this too - great bonding time, lots for the kid to look at, he can talk to him about everything he can see etc. And crucially, as you say - good exercise too. Our 2.5yo weighs about 16kgs so it's definitely a workout carrying him these days!

I was going to suggest this as well. Plus the fresh air might tire your child out a bit!

Is there a reason why stopped going to watch football on a Saturday?

We have a 3 year old and take it in turns to leave the house to see our friends/ do our individual hobbies. 1 evening per week each and Saturday morning me, Saturday afternoon DH goes to football home games.

We also have a low sleep needs child, even with no naps. You have to at least take it in turns to leave the house and see people, otherwise the day can be 6.30am-9.30pm. That is a slog week in, week out.

The team he supports is a 3.5 hour drive away which works out as a 12 hour day away from the house. By the time he’s bought a ticket, fuel, food it’s £100+ and he just can’t afford it.

It feels quite impossible to juggle work, spending time together as a family, together as a couple and getting time to ourselves!

Oh no that's a shame . My DH only drives 30mins and the season ticket is a manageable cost. Could your DH go to watch a more local team with friends occasionally, just to get out?

Is there a reason why your DH feels guilty about going out to play football once a week? It's sounds like he needs to. Perhaps he could find a social group linked to hillwalking and do that once every couple of months?

We have next to no time together as a couple, but that's how it is right now. We prioritise our individual "quiet times" as we need to decompress from work. We find we're much better parents and much happier having a couple of hours each that's not work / parenting / doing housework etc.

To a large extent he just needs to suck it up.

He doesn't need 'support' to do this. He just needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and crack on with it.

He will need a simple attitude adjustment.

For your child, have you looked into a nursery instead of the childminder? A childminder can get away with a lot less in terms of physical activity, sticking to routine, and four hour naps than a nursery could.

DS is with a family member one day a week and at the childminder 3 days a week whilst we work.

I’d count a family member babysitting one day a week as support tbh, many people don’t have that.

Others have made good suggestions but as the parent of older children, I’d also point out to him that the toddler phase is intense but incredibly short. Your son will soon be able to enjoy more activities -in a few years, your DH won’t be carrying him on walks, your son will be outpacing him!

For now, he just needs to hang in there and make the most of the time he does have for his hobbies/to do things with you. And there’s nothing wrong with tag-teaming so you can both socialize and pursue hobbies. My DH and I do this- he’s doing a hobby next weekend, for example, so I’m looking after DS (and the dog) for a couple of days.