Parenting making DH depressed

[Teebobble]

DH disclosed to me that he really struggles with parenting and thinks he is depressed. Our son is nearly 2.

Things that are getting him down are;

• we have no support nearby so never get a break unless the other parent takes DS for the day.
• DS is a terrible sleeper, wakes 2-3 times a night and always has done (this may be due to medical reasons - pending investigations). DH really doesn’t cope with lack of sleep so sleeps in the spare room
• we never have any time just the two of us
• the evenings are very long. Finishing work at 4 or 5 then DS doesn’t go to bed until after 9
• he feels it’s a bit like ground hog day
• the constant responsibility of running a house and raising a toddler
• he has lost his hobbies of playing football, hillwalking and going to the football. He plays one night a week but feels guilty about it
• is still struggling to adjust to the lack of freedom

He wfh so he is quite isolated but doesn’t want to change jobs to something where he will work face to face with colleagues.

A lot of my social needs are met through work and I get a lot from my job. It’s very rewarding. I have family who live closer by so I can see them now and again plus I’ve made a wonderful group of mum friends. I feel bad that his life seems to have changed for the worse but mine has changed for the better. The only downside for me is the lack of sleep and I rarely get time to myself, but I’ve accepted this is the season of life I am in.

DH carries a lot of frustration and resentment regarding the way things are (lack of support, lack of sleep, feels like his life has stagnated).

Does anyone have any advice please?

I have suggested he seeks therapy and have told him I am happy to pick up the slack in the meantime if he needs more downtime for himself.

The first couple of years are such a hard adjustment. Honestly dropping the nap and starting a 6/6.30pm bed time will be a game changer. I’d let him nap over the weekends but drop it in the week. Your child minder has to support this.

I would tell your husband:

It is ok and fine to feel this way, and fully valid. Many parents feel depressed, and it is real and ok.

But

2 things:

1, being a parent is never about making you happy. Treat it like a job - you have to do it, regardless of whether it makes you happy. Your happiness is second now to your responsibilities to your child's wellbeing.

That is harsh, but I've seen people who start by thinking "I'm depressed because of parenting" and then their solution is to run-away from it. Give it all to their partner, or worse ruin the relationship. Because fundamentally they still put their happiness over their child's wellbeing. That option needs to be taken away.

But then number 2, give him hope.

tell him that for most dads, parenting gets a lot better at around 3.5-5 years old. All of a sudden the child is old enough to join in with things that the dad likes.. they can actually play together properly, play football, go on hikes, play games, share interests etc. This is normally when dads get more into parenting (if they are good dads). Yes it is tough now, but he can lay the groundwork for this now. Start getting his child into football, take them for short hill walks.. lay that ground work.

An example from my son is that we go to the UK each summer, and I love hiking on dartmoor. I took my son for the first time at 2.5, and we just did a bit. We climbed (with carrying) through one short route... But that laid down a happy memory for him, and then at 3.5 we did more. And then at 4.5 we went back and did a pretty long hike with an over-night camping. Now at 5.5 this summer, he cant wait to go back to have another adventure.

It wasn't fun at 2.5, but it laid down the groundwork for a relationship and experience that is now fun, a few years later.

Overall, though he needs to take responsibility and start problem solving. Look at each part and with you, find a solution that could help improve things ,and keep iterating and changing until it does. But (big but) those improvements have to be with the best interest of your child and you as well, and cannot be "well I need to go do my stuff and ignore you both, because that will keep me happy" as quite a few dads do...

The first few years can be bloody brutal. Our first child raising experience was so miserable that by 6 months I wanted to do it again right then to get it over with and to “only have to be miserable for 3 years”. That was a turning point for us where we went to couples counseling, and most importantly got a night nurse to help fix what we couldn’t. Frankly best money I’ve ever spent!

You’re earning over 100,000 if dropping one day a week will cost you 12,000 take home. Your husband is working full time as well, presumably earning a similar wage since he apparently cannot drop one day a week either. Sort your finances out, because you really should be able to afford £100 for a football match on that kind of money.