Parenting making DH depressed

[Teebobble]

DH disclosed to me that he really struggles with parenting and thinks he is depressed. Our son is nearly 2.

Things that are getting him down are;

• we have no support nearby so never get a break unless the other parent takes DS for the day.
• DS is a terrible sleeper, wakes 2-3 times a night and always has done (this may be due to medical reasons - pending investigations). DH really doesn’t cope with lack of sleep so sleeps in the spare room
• we never have any time just the two of us
• the evenings are very long. Finishing work at 4 or 5 then DS doesn’t go to bed until after 9
• he feels it’s a bit like ground hog day
• the constant responsibility of running a house and raising a toddler
• he has lost his hobbies of playing football, hillwalking and going to the football. He plays one night a week but feels guilty about it
• is still struggling to adjust to the lack of freedom

He wfh so he is quite isolated but doesn’t want to change jobs to something where he will work face to face with colleagues.

A lot of my social needs are met through work and I get a lot from my job. It’s very rewarding. I have family who live closer by so I can see them now and again plus I’ve made a wonderful group of mum friends. I feel bad that his life seems to have changed for the worse but mine has changed for the better. The only downside for me is the lack of sleep and I rarely get time to myself, but I’ve accepted this is the season of life I am in.

DH carries a lot of frustration and resentment regarding the way things are (lack of support, lack of sleep, feels like his life has stagnated).

Does anyone have any advice please?

I have suggested he seeks therapy and have told him I am happy to pick up the slack in the meantime if he needs more downtime for himself.

Maybe he can pick up your son and take him swimming or to the park after childminders to burn off any excess energy and follow a tight dinner bed bath routine.
It's good he has expressed himself but it's not ok foe him to expect you to now soley fix these issues, support but solve no, especially when you are already absolving him of night wakings.

None of what he says is wrong and it sounds pretty accurate. It’s fucking hard and people calling him a man-child are being a bit unfair.

He could seek therapy and think about if there’s something else contributing to how he’s feeling. He can’t be putting that frustration and resentment on you and his child.

He needs to be willing to think about the things he can change.

If he’s isolated then he needs to think about what he wants to do. Another evening/morning for a hobby (you should get the same if you choose to), reconnecting with friends or finding new ones.

The sleep thing can be improved hopefully but what does better look like? Toddler settling in his own bed? Work on that accepting it’ll be a few nights of disturbed sleep.

Toddler in bed earlier? How to sort that. If his nap is really impacting his bedtime that much then maybe the CM is causing stress for you all and that could change.

You have no evening together if he’s in bed at 9 and then you’re both going to bed to be up for work.

Can the childminder offer babysitting or recommend someone now and again. Can you both take a day off when he’s at the childminder to go out and spend some time together.

Yep cap the naps - also OP him sleeping in the spare room might be making him feel isolated, my kids were awful sleepers as well, we moved their bed and pushed it next to ours/had a camp bed in our room when they were little - not ideal but everyone got to sleep together. Try and get him back in to his hobbies, and get everyone out of the house at the weekend- the days are bloody long, we used to just pick a place and get a train, drive etc. Keep communicating with eachother, my husband admitted he felt like he lost me when we had children, which is fair tbh, my focus was on them. A bit of reassurance that things are shit but it won't last forever. You only have another 18 months and he will be 4, the difference is massive.

It's very normal to find it rough, especially if you have a poor sleeper. It will get better. When we were starting to get broken with DD, we tried driving her around til she fell asleep and it was a bit better. You've got investigations going on so you may find something out. But some children are just not sleepers and it is really hard, and people who have easy babies just do not get it. It is one of those things where you just have to cling to the knowledge that at some point, the child will sleep and you will both feel better.

You say he feels guilty about going out (and you mention he's not sharing the broken sleep either, and perhaps he feels guilty about this too ... and he sort of should, really). I wonder how much of this is him feeling that he isn't a good enough dad because he 'should' feel great about it all, and he doesn't? If so that is also totally normal. I agree with the PP who suggests finding and fixing on the 'good' things like going swimming with a child or whatever - things that can give him a dose of 'good dad' endorphins. If it were swimming, incidentally, that's brilliant for tiring out a child.

Other than that TBH it's one of those where he sort of needs to help himself, hard as that is. He feels isolated; yes, but he works from home and won't change that. He feels he's stagnating - yes, that's parenting a lot of the time, what needs to shift is the nagging feeling that something is wrong, rather than knowing that this is a stage and you get through it. Therapy might help, but I would think a regular weekly activity with other parents, ideally other dads, is probably what he needs. You are just on the cusp of the point where it becomes more normal for dads to do the socialising with their children, and that will make it easier.

(FWIW, I'm a mum but the non-birth-mum to my DD; I do see both sides of this. I think it's poor to say 'oh I don't cope well with little sleep' and cop out; I also think both mums and dads can feel a bit desperate with a non-sleeping child and he's not weird to feel guilty or down about it. All I can say is ... keep on keeping on!)

Btw - despite writing that essay, sorry - I think you 'picking up the slack' is a bad idea, as is him sleeping separately really. It's a vicious circle. The less involved he is the harder he will find it with your DS.

I felt depressed for exactly the same reasons as your husband. It will get better though, once he’s dropped the nap you will get more time in the evenings. Warning though, mine didn’t sleep through until 4.

Hello, my husband really struggled with our son was this age. What worked for us is one afternoon on a weekend I would go out with my friend so he definitely had Saturday afternoon to himself.

He would do a reciprocal Sunday morning for me.

We just were blatant and asked Family members if they would help out and take it our son out for the day on a weekend once a month. Sometimes I lied and said we had an urgent work to do but really we were both exhausted.

I think you need to get the sleep sorted. Your child usually at this age in bed by about 730. Perhaps hire a sleep specialist.

And then we both used Annual leave to spend the day together about once a month. This definitely helped.

He just sounds tired and overwhelmed. If he doesn’t have as many social outputs, then it’s no wonder. I work at home on my own and things can get you down when you’re sort of surrounded by all. I hope some of this helps.

Definitely speak to the childminder about the nap. Capping the nap to 1 hour, and not past 2pm made a big difference to our daughter's sleeping at night. Youk have to have the conversation sooner or later otherwise he'll be up until midnight!!

I think you need to get the sleep sorted. Your child usually at this age in bed by about 730. Perhaps hire a sleep specialist.

There is a really big 'normal' range (this isn't me speculating randomly; this is me having done the whole round of talking to lots of medics and wailing ).

Some children sleep beautifully for 12 hours at rising 2. Some of them are in bed by 7.30 and you don't hear a peep until morning.

And others ... aren't.

I felt absolutely miserable when DD was a baby/toddler every time someone said 'oh, that's not normal sleep!' because it made me feel as if there must be some magic key I wasn't getting hold of, and if I just solved that it'd be ok. But sometimes there isn't a magic key. Sometimes it's just that you got the child who doesn't need much sleep (DD is 8 and still doesn't need much sleep).

Not saying it's wrong to think about a sleep specialist or to try whatever options are going; just that if it doesn't work, it may not be an indication that something is wrong per se.

How can you say that when you have no idea when the child wakes up or how long they nap?

Well it means that op isn't getting an evening, which our OP clearly needs, so adjustments are needed

It’s good that he has raised this with you but I would be wary of solving it yourself. He needs to come up with workable solutions that take into account the entire families needs not just his own.

Why won’t he look for a job that is not wfh? When my DC were very little it was connection with my colleagues and one lunch a week with a friend that saved me. A hybrid job could work for him even if he doesn’t want to go to the office full time.

It sounds like he gets enough sleep. Diet, exercise, social interaction and a visit to the gp should be the next things he looks at. A gratitude journal has really helped me. But just agreeing to him checking out of family life more will not be helpful

That’s a good idea re the half day a month. With the hobbies it’s quite hard because I have compressed my hours at work it means I don’t get home until late and the football he can play starts at 6. He needs to collect DS from childcare and I won’t be home to take over in time for him to go.

Yes, well.
I'm not going to bash this man, because I would feel/react worse than him.
That's why I never committed to having children.
Did he want to become a father, or was he just going on with it?

Can the family member who looks after DS one day a week have him every now and then so you can go out for dinner? Encourage DH to go to the football with friends. You both need time away from parenting to be yourselves again. Would it be an option for him to go to a co working space one day a week? Being at home constantly would be enough to depress me. Could he join a baby ballers type class with your DS? They could share an interest in football. Also definitely stop the nap so that you get your evenings back. Little things like watching a film together or getting into a tv series helps

It’s hard on him if he’s working from home and isn’t getting much adult company.

he sounds depressed.

I would be much more specific with your childminder. She’s not doing a good job for you if she lets your toddler sleep too long or too late. Keeping them awake so they have a consistent bedtime routine is part of life with toddlers.

its good that your DH has talked to you, and it’s important that he gets help and/or finds a way to get a bit of joy back into his life. If he feels under a cloud, it could be depression, that he need help for x

Perhaps you need to shift your hours so he (and ideally you too) can get time to do a hobby.

You’re paying a babysitter and they’re not actually caring for your child appropriately if he’s napping too long and therefore you don’t get an evening together.

An easy fix from your husbands side is to actually enjoy his evening playing football rather than feeling guilty. Another reason for you to pick up a hobby yourself? So you can both do your bit to support the others hobby.

I think the lack of social contact for your DH is the killer here. He WFH so has no real-life contact with others though that and has given up all his hobbies that brought both fulfilment and social connection with friends /team-mates.

If he is also doing pick up most days it sounds like he is stuck in a relentless loop of work/parent/sleep and I can see why he is feeling depressed!

I know in theory this is the same for you, but it actually isn't because:

• you have a job that is social and fulfilling to you
• you have friends from mat leave who you see regularly

Is it possible for you to change which days you work so that your DH can do his 6pm football once a week? Otherwise, it feels like your work/life is kinda set up the way you want it at the expense of his.

tell him to get the kid in a carrier and out into the hills. Great exercise and health benefits for both of them, especially for dh mental health

I found WFH total depressing no interaction no change of scenery just the same 4 walls
I think that has a big part of it there’s no separation from home and work
can he go into the office

You should put your baby to bed around 6pm

you need your evening - both of you

I would say that things are most likely going to start getting easier over the next few months to a year.
My kids both sadly stopped napping at 20 months, but it meant they kept their early nights which I needed for sanity! The long sleeps at childminder is annoying. Could you both shuffle work hours so you pick up from childminder at 1pm each day- DH could start work earlier? Then your son could have a shorter nap at home, you'd wake him if necessary and you'd get an earlier night?

There is a similar thread to this, have you posted before @Teebobble

Can't hill walking become something you do as a family? Getting out into nature is a known mood lifter.

This. He is a grown up. What is he doing about fixing how he feels? Did he want dcs in the first place?

As a single mum, I did the whole lot by myself, no support after my ex decided parenting was women's work, and I worked out how to get essential down time.

What has your dh proposed as a solution?