Finding it unmanageable with 3 kids

[ForRoseLemur]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, maybe I feel like I will feel better if I write it down. I have 3 boys, 6, 3 and 18 months and I’m just finding it such hard work.

I work 4 days a week but my work is flexible so it means I end up working most evenings to make up the time I couldn’t do in the day after I’ve picked the kids up from school / nursery, done dinner bath bed etc which takes hours. My husband works away and is usually away on the weekends. My eldest is in school, middle at nursery 3.5 days and youngest 2.5 days. My husband usually has youngest when jm
working the day he’s not at nursery. I’m usually a very just get on with it kind of person but recently I’ve been finding myself getting really tearful, to the point I’ve broken down on the phone to friends which is very unlike me, and just generally having this feeling of overwhelm and like I can’t do it.

I feel like I have no time to myself, and we don’t really have any family support as my parents travel and are out of the country most of the time. Also I know they have made comments about - why did we have 3 kids (despite them having 3 themselves) and they make no effort with my youngest which just makes me feel worse. He just seems like an inconvenience to them. I don’t know whether it’s worth raising this with them not.

I have this feeling like it’s my fault for having 3 kids, I feel like I knew this at the time and if I’m completely honest I actually do regret it. Which I feel absolutely awful about. It doesn’t help that my youngest is hard work, he always has been since having colic as a baby and he’s always ill.

I just feel like I have no time at all, I’m always chasing my tail, the house is always a mess and I’m lucky if I get to watch an hour of TV a week. I just feel a bit resentful and alone. When my husband is here he’s incredible and very hands on, but it’s bloody hard work when he’s not.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for here - does it get better?!

I have 3 children too, at those ages and trying to juggle work as you are you must be absolutely exhausted! Mine are now 10, 7 and 3 and it is easier than it was. Be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself up about feeling like you do - you have a huge amount on your plate but it does get easier.

So why oh why would you have a third child in this situation @ForRoseLemur ?
Husband away a lot, high outgoings, having to single man a lot.
A 6 and 3 year old would make for much easier evenings where they occupy each other while you make food/sort things out. They are old enough to understand you are single manning and help you out a bit. The 18 month old just makes it rubbish for you and them - how can you divide your time to give proper attention to DC1&2 where you have a toddler?

Wow. Not very helpful.

Well exactly.. that’s why I’ve written this post. But not like I can give the third child back! Trust me I’m fully aware things would be very manageable if I just had 2.

It is helpful and honest. Sometimes you have to look at the decisions you have made and acknowledge that you have partly caused the situation you are complaining about. DH worked away a lot when DC1&2 were small - I knew that I could manage them on my own ( hard as I had a very full on career too and felt I was constantly juggling but I digress..) but I could not have managed anything else on top. So I didn't have anything else on top - doubled up on contraception etc.

No you cannot give the third child back but has your husband changed career since you had DC3? Sometimes you have to look at the decisions you have made and acknowledge that you have partly caused the situation you are complaining about. DH worked away a lot when DC1&2 were small - I knew that I could manage them on my own ( hard as I had a very full on career too and felt I was constantly juggling but I digress..) but I could not have managed anything else on top. So I didn't have anything else on top - doubled up on contraception etc.

That’s exactly why I said I’m regretful. That’s part of the problem. No he has been in the same career. I found 2 manageable so I knew it would be hard, we always wanted 3 but not with this short of an age gap and it was a surprise (I’m not stupid I know how this works haha but it took me a while to conceive my second with losses along the way and had to take medication so I just assumed it wouldn’t happen again without intervention). Anyway I can’t look now so have to move forwards and I know it will be worth it one day. My youngest does bring us lots of joy as well it’s not all grief.

@ForRoseLemuryour three children are your reality. They’re not a problem and they will not always be this young. Time will pass and things will get better. I have three kids between the ages of 4 and 13 and it is so much easier.
as others have helpfully pointed out, more childcare hours for starters. Not sure what the poster castigating you for having a third want you to do, give up the child? Hang in there, sounds like you’re doing a great job.

Honestly I would ignore that poster. Another year and your youngest will be so much easier.

Thank you. You have given me hope.
It seems a lot of people think everyone should stop at 2!

It is human nature isn’t to feel we’ve made better choices than others. Three children is intense but I absolutely love it. But you need to look after yourself otherwise you will fall ill and you don’t want that.

Well this is good news OP as you have gone from:
I actually do regret it. It doesn’t help that my youngest is hard work, he always has been since having colic as a baby and he’s always ill.
To: I know it will be worth it one day. My youngest does bring us lots of joy as well it’s not all grief.

You knew it would be hard, you decided to do it anyway.
It is hard, you knew it would be, it has joys,
When your DH is home, get him to take your youngest for a few hours and take your 3 and 6 year old out somewhere special so they can have your full focus for a while. I had the same age gap between my two and honestly their friendship/understanding of things made all the difference day to day.
Good luck with it all.

Hi OP! I’m in your situation - I’m a City lawyer and my husband’s a pilot so away 3/4 days every week. We have three kids (4,5&7). We have no family support. A lot of it falls on me so I am in stuck in a job with no progression because I need the flex to do drop off/pickup and attend (the many many) school events. It’s so hard, it’s incredibly overwhelming but when your youngest is around 3, it will start getting easier. It’s utter chaos, the house is messy and I have no time really to myself (other than the hour between drop off at breakfast club and logging into work).

have you ever left your husband alone with the kids for a weekend? I did when our youngest was about 18months for the first time and everyone coped. If you can, I recommend it, not least to give yourself peace of mind that your husband can do it and you can also get some weekends away for yourself booked in.

I’m a lawyer too! And work in the city (well thankfully primarily from home as there is no way I could commute more than once a week). I also agree with the stuck with no progression, I’ve easily been put back 5 years because of my maternity leaves, and feel I couldn’t move now as my firm thankfully offers a lot of flexibility, which is the only way I can actually continue to work. I do what I can to attend what I can, whenever my husband is here I will make sure I’m at networking events etc.
He has the kids whenever I have to go overnight or for a couple of nights to see friends, I can’t complain in that respect. It’s just a lot the constant away every week where it falls on you with a stressful job also as you know.

Yeah it’s really hard because the resentment builds up ALOT, and if your kids are anything like mine, they want you all the time so even when your husband is home, they’ll want you to do bedtime or drop off (for example) because you normally do. So it feels never ending and relentless.

lets just say I’m definitely not the parent I hoped I would be, I’m much more angry and tired and I’m so disappointed in myself because of it. I resent my husband a lot because he gets nights away every week and it’s very hard not to let that show (it does show…). I also hate the guilt of the kids being in school 730-6pm every day, but we have no choice.

but it has started getting easier since our youngest turned 3. When all your kids are at the one place (look into the school preschool for your youngest, so one drop off/pick up!), it’ll all come together. It’ll still be manic but the hovering stops when they’re a bit older and you can let them run off. I found that having them all so close together meant I was a bit more helicopter around them, but by the third, I was very much - off you go!

also - join a gym with a crèche. We are at virgin active and that means I get 2hrs a day in the crèche per child included. So if you have them by yourself on the weekend, you can book them in and work out or (do as I did today) have a coffee and chill.

I’m In a similar position to you, 3 year old twins and a 10 & 11 year old.
I also work full time in four days (flexibly).
i used to pick up after later on too and was guilty for not being so productive in the day, if you can I’d really try and get as much work things done in work time as you can and sometimes just the thinking about what you need to get done is exhausting in its self.

I do think you’re just ‘in the thick of parenting’ that’s what I tell myself anyway haha! It will get better as they get older xx

That sounds relentless, no wonder you are struggling! I am also struggling with 3 dc and that's with dh that's hands on and I'm not back at work yet so don't have that juggle. My older 2 are also much older so that is a lot easier, although it does mean I they don't go to bed until later so I am also missing evenings. You are at very difficult ages, it must be so full on having them close together but it will definitely get easier and I think in the long run will be easier

I'm finding life feels relentless and so much harder that having 2. Like you, I found having 2 completely manageable and knew having another would be hard but completely underestimated how hard! @Girls62 any tips for activities that suit all 3? I also have 2 close together and then 7yrs between 2 and 3. Can't imagine how you're juggling twins! Number 3 only 10 months but it's getting more difficult for her to just tag along now that she is mobile. Used to love half term but now dreading the week ahead as it's so hard to entertain them all by myself!

I struggle in half term too for activities and I do think it’s easier that mine older ones are old enough to be independent at certain places!
arcades, play centres that cater for older ones too (not easy to find I know) we travel around 40 mins in the car to our closest one, beaches, library is a good one cos the older ones can wander off and look for books/audio books whilst the younger ones are in the toddler corner xx

Thanks @Girls62 I will add library to the list this week! I've found swimming probably the best in terms of kids equally enjoying it and the older ones are good swimmers so can go off and play on slides etc, but swimming it is so much effort 😅

Could of written this husband works away, no family support , 3 , age 5 and under the third wasn’t planned ans of course I adore him but he’s been my hardest by a mile and I find myself often day dreaming about how easy it would be with just the two. No advice just solidarity I’ve been wanting to exercise more and lose my ‘baby ‘ weight for over a year never any energy or motivation

Yeah I think there is something to be said for having them close together… people used to say to me it will pay off and as they are all boys they do like the same things and soft play etc are always a hit. We’ve had a particularly good day today, went to a play cafe with role play imaginary bits which they all enjoy and the baby is happy today and times like that you think ok I can do this! I can imagine it must be hard having different age gaps although the older kid can help, it’s still relentless

I feel exactly the same, and hate when I find myself daydreaming about how like would be like without him, absolutely adore him and wouldn’t change it but he has been the hardest… when I see people saying oh the third is the easiest they just slot in happy to tag along haha no not been my experience. And when people are thinking about a third I always say do it if you’re happy for your life to be 10 x more stressful and if you can’t manage 2 would recommend 3

God yes @ForRoseLemur when so many people said ‘the third just slots in’ LOLLLL it’s a whole other human of course they do not just slot in. It’s really really hard. The holidays and this shitty weather makes it even harder

Totally agree re the thing about the 3rd one just slotting in. Maybe some do. Mine did not! He was the hardest baby of the three by miles! He's a lovely teen now if that gives you hope.

Could you get a teenage babysitter for a few hours early evening?(we have a very professional outfit of teenage girls on our road, website and everything!) They could do tea/ evening activities while you do some jobs done, or you could (for example) get them to hang up the washing while you do tea? You’d call it ‘mothers help’ not babysitting. In outer London our 16-18 yr olds charge £14ph and are open to pickup from school, taking to the park, chores help, babysitting etc. it wouldn’t be ‘too much’ as you’d be around too, it would you replace your husbands role for a few hours.