Finding it unmanageable with 3 kids

[ForRoseLemur]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, maybe I feel like I will feel better if I write it down. I have 3 boys, 6, 3 and 18 months and I’m just finding it such hard work.

I work 4 days a week but my work is flexible so it means I end up working most evenings to make up the time I couldn’t do in the day after I’ve picked the kids up from school / nursery, done dinner bath bed etc which takes hours. My husband works away and is usually away on the weekends. My eldest is in school, middle at nursery 3.5 days and youngest 2.5 days. My husband usually has youngest when jm
working the day he’s not at nursery. I’m usually a very just get on with it kind of person but recently I’ve been finding myself getting really tearful, to the point I’ve broken down on the phone to friends which is very unlike me, and just generally having this feeling of overwhelm and like I can’t do it.

I feel like I have no time to myself, and we don’t really have any family support as my parents travel and are out of the country most of the time. Also I know they have made comments about - why did we have 3 kids (despite them having 3 themselves) and they make no effort with my youngest which just makes me feel worse. He just seems like an inconvenience to them. I don’t know whether it’s worth raising this with them not.

I have this feeling like it’s my fault for having 3 kids, I feel like I knew this at the time and if I’m completely honest I actually do regret it. Which I feel absolutely awful about. It doesn’t help that my youngest is hard work, he always has been since having colic as a baby and he’s always ill.

I just feel like I have no time at all, I’m always chasing my tail, the house is always a mess and I’m lucky if I get to watch an hour of TV a week. I just feel a bit resentful and alone. When my husband is here he’s incredible and very hands on, but it’s bloody hard work when he’s not.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for here - does it get better?!

Yeah this was my huge takeaway from the OP.

You wrote he works away during the week and he’s not around at the weekend. wtf so when is he actually pulling his weight? You have a dh problem not a 3 kids problem. I have 3 children slightly younger. If my husband wasn’t around at the weekend ever I would murder him. He might have half a day to himself but if both days he wasn’t around, yes I would struggle and drown.

I’m a lone parent of 3 - two who are twins and have been on my own since ex husband left when twins were around 12 months. My family are hours away. He doesn’t see them at all.

there are loads of time saving things I could say which would make life more manageable but the biggest thing mentally which helped me was acceptance. once I accepted I couldn’t have it all and do it all then the stressed feelings started to reduce. I think I held myself up to a completely unacceptable and un achievable standard to be this amazing employee and mum but the reality is you can’t be both at the same time. The biggest factor was the constant making up of work hours to make up for childcare runs etc - the stress of evening routines with the kids to get them over with because I knew I had to log back on to work and going from my laptop to bed felt like I never had any time just to sit and read a book or watch tv. So-i upped the childcare hours and reduced the out of hours working. Bedtimes and bath times shouldn’t take hours - double up with the kids in the bath - same with bed times - I let the twins fall asleep in my bed then carried them to their own. I do quick short bursts of housework like washing before and after work on short wash cycles - got a tumble dryer - I never knew how much ironing it cut down on if I folded clothes straight out of the drier. Life definitely feels less overwhelming now x

Time to change things up till you’re feeling like you can cope. Any way you can increase little one at nurseries hours for a period of time till you get yourself in a better place. I do flexi to and Thursday/ Fridays I start at 7am and let my other half sort children and do the school run. So I know I can finish earlier and have the evening. I am not a big fan off working in the evenings. Even just some small changes can really help.

I actually don’t think it particularly will get better with time. The issue isn’t the age of your kids, it’s that 3 kids, working mostly full time and parenting alone most weekends is fucking hard.
Something needs to change, is your husbands job something that will always have him away?
Could you drop an extra day in the week?

If your husband is going to work away and make so many sacrifices you better hope he is earning enough to cover the bills. Crazy that you’re making the sacrifice but it’s not benefiting you financially as he isn’t being compensated enough to make it worth while? He should be all in - work away for a job that covers bills or regular job no working away and contribute 50% to childcare etc

You need like a mothers help / teenager / someone who works in a pre school etc to help you even if it’s just Friday / Saturday / Sunday even if they play with the children in order for you to sort everything else out (I found that was the easiest solution as otherwise I’d have to explain everything etc) .

I had a 16/17 year old trying to earn pocket money - she just played with the 4 kids. I was at home so I could half watch.

You need to pay for help as you can’t do it all. I didn’t need the full nanny package and as I was at home the nanny wouldn’t get sole charge. However it was those extra pair of hands which was helpful also it was less stress for me as I knew she was turning up and that didn’t lead to resentment to the partner (very pressured job and never at home) as I had some help at home and at the end of the day she moved all the toys / tidied all kids things away.
You can’t do everything - it’s a never ending thankless job - make sure you get some home help especially on a weekend when the partner is away and you will find it easier.
Good luck

As usual, the dh living the life of a single man while his partner is fire-fighting at home. I like to think when he’s home he’s parenting and cooking, cleaning etc 100% to give op time to catch her breath but I doubt it.

I'm assuming the dh is working away at the weekends because he's around the day the youngest isn't in nursery.

1. your husband doesn’t seem to be doing much to raise the children you have had together.
2. you have no family help.
3. your childcare hours do not match the number of hours you work.

You need to fix preferably all three of these things.

When DD was little I wanted to make sure I spent time with her, so she did 2 days in nursery age 2, 3 at age 3, and 4 at age 4. I used to work/get housework done while she was out, then work all evening (self employed). It was miserable, overwhelming and exhausting, and I never had time for myself or even to see my husband a lot of the time.

I think you need to ensure you're working just the hours during which you have childcare, if at any way possible. I nearly burned out and it sounds like you nearly have too. 💐

@Piglet89why would family be obliged to help? Respectfully. It’s not their ‘problem’.

Op what does your husband actually do for work?
They only way I’d be happy with him working away is if his salary covered all of the childcare and help you need.
You’re drowning, understandably so.
You need to have a serious chat with him about changing jobs or reprioritising finances to pay for more childcare before you become seriously unwell.

He’s an airline pilot. So his work is literally away. He doesn’t earn as much as you would think. He pays for all the mortgage, bills, nursery etc. I contribute a token amount and buy food, things for boys, clubs etc. Our mortgage is very high. I know it seems like we should have but I feel like the cost of living cripples us.

Your youngest two dc are at a hard age.

My youngest three are now 9, 6 and 4 so similar gaps to yours - life is MUCH easier now than 3 years ago!

Be kind to yourself, lower your standards - it will pass

I have less children but a similar position of less childcare than I really need. This is because SEN childcare costs more than I earn- so we literally cannot afford it. So everything ends up as a juggle. I don’t know the answer but it helps me to recognise this as a structural problem. Other counties have different support. This is not me as an individual failing. This is me navigating a broken system as best I can. I am not the best at my job, which is sometimes frustrating as a perfectionist who deeply care about what I do. I am not the perfect mother either.
But I try to take what I need each day including time to rest even when that mean dropping a ball here or there, always be kind, do the best with the resources I have and give extra when I have extra.
I know this isn’t a solution but hope it helps to have some solidarity.

What shifts does he do ? The same each week including weekends ?

I get why he looks after youngest one day so save nursery fees but can he do more week days

you need to have childcare as others have said to cover your working hours

maybe a cm to pick up from school /pre school so you can work full day hours

or work 4 days and not compress into 3.5

working evenings to catch up isn’t advisable always running after yourself to catch your tail and takes out on your mental health

Yeah I didn’t really mean to include 2.

But it’s really only middle class England (maybe Scotland) that really thinks it’s totally fine for grandparents not to give a shiny shit about their grandchildren. Meanwhile, back in the real world, that dissipation of the village is a huge reason for massive pressure on parents, PND and breakdown of families.

With the best will in the world you make it sound so simple when it just isn’t.

No 18 month old is going to pick up after themselves. Hell, no 3 year old is. A 6 year old might but you’d have to remind them.

She says her youngest is always ill and is at peak ‘nursery bug’ age. Mines 2 and we have been going through the same for a couple of winters. It’s absolutely bloody exhausting. He’s been ill for 3 weeks out of the last 10. Sleepless nights all round. Time off work that needs to be made up or done in the evening. One person having to constantly stay home with the sick child while the other does everything and all the school runs for the non-sick one.

With no family help, constant bugs and work, it’s absolutely impossible to rest in any meaningful way.

@PlayingvideogamesWhen I say pick up after themselves I’m not expecting the18 month old to pick up after themselves. If the kids know to put stuff in one big container/box etc, it will be easier for her to throw everything in there and cover it up.

I have 3 children, work 5 days a week out of the home with a husband that works away. We live 300km away from family so no I’m not making it sound simple because I have lived and I’m still living a similar life. I also said do not feel guilty for using childcare and get some rest.
If you don’t have 3 children you don’t have a clue about the intensity of it all, you can empathise but you haven’t lived it. You have a 2 year old that has been sick for the past 3 weeks now make that two sick kids, a sick parent and whatever comes with the third child. Oh and 5 days working without family. I know what I’m talking about and stand by it.

3 kids does somehow feel like a million more than 2! People always said this to me before, that 3 is a game changer, and I naively thought surely not when we’re already in the depths of it. With 3 someone always needs something, some is always ill and someone is always whining or upset.

When your parents had 3 children did one of them work away and the other one work 4 days a week? Maybe your family workload is why they questioned you having 3

My youngest started school in September. The first day of sunlight was summer 24 when I thought Holy Shit this is easier a few times. Last summer was so much easier and since he's in school I can't tell you the difference. We once only had two kids out with us and dh and I kept saying why is it so easy? What's happening. It's so much harder with a "quarter dozen". So there is light at the end of the tunnel. You've about 2 more years of chaos. And then now I'm at the stage where I'm looking at the chaos of the house and saying hang on let's get rid of this and let's sort that.

Could you downsize or move somewhere cheaper, if it’s the mortgage that’s making it so much worse…?

I didn’t have three, I had two but close in age. During the week my husband would sometimes work late and with a commune and I would find the nursery drop off, work all day, pick up then the evening just exhausting.

I used to use the few hours that I had with them to gradually do a few jobs so we’d have a quick tea from slow cooker then as I did the dishwasher they’d play in the kitchen where I could see them. I’d then empty bags as well from
nursery. We’d play and I tried to lie down a bit as they played! When we headed upstairs I’d put clothes out for the next day then do bedtime. I’d do some work for the next day but first give myself half an hour to relax.

It does get easier!

This is correct. Book a babysitter for the afternoons/ early evenings so you can finish your work.