Finding it unmanageable with 3 kids

[ForRoseLemur]

I’m not sure why I’m posting this, maybe I feel like I will feel better if I write it down. I have 3 boys, 6, 3 and 18 months and I’m just finding it such hard work.

I work 4 days a week but my work is flexible so it means I end up working most evenings to make up the time I couldn’t do in the day after I’ve picked the kids up from school / nursery, done dinner bath bed etc which takes hours. My husband works away and is usually away on the weekends. My eldest is in school, middle at nursery 3.5 days and youngest 2.5 days. My husband usually has youngest when jm
working the day he’s not at nursery. I’m usually a very just get on with it kind of person but recently I’ve been finding myself getting really tearful, to the point I’ve broken down on the phone to friends which is very unlike me, and just generally having this feeling of overwhelm and like I can’t do it.

I feel like I have no time to myself, and we don’t really have any family support as my parents travel and are out of the country most of the time. Also I know they have made comments about - why did we have 3 kids (despite them having 3 themselves) and they make no effort with my youngest which just makes me feel worse. He just seems like an inconvenience to them. I don’t know whether it’s worth raising this with them not.

I have this feeling like it’s my fault for having 3 kids, I feel like I knew this at the time and if I’m completely honest I actually do regret it. Which I feel absolutely awful about. It doesn’t help that my youngest is hard work, he always has been since having colic as a baby and he’s always ill.

I just feel like I have no time at all, I’m always chasing my tail, the house is always a mess and I’m lucky if I get to watch an hour of TV a week. I just feel a bit resentful and alone. When my husband is here he’s incredible and very hands on, but it’s bloody hard work when he’s not.

I don’t know what I’m hoping for here - does it get better?!

It will get better when they are older, for now just need to grit your teeth and get on with it. Can you afford a nanny?

Honestly three is hard work. It's relentless and exhausting. It always feels like I'm in the thick of it. Right now I'm having some quite time because I only have one with me but I'm still.making breakfast and should be doing volunteer committee work for the older two sports activities.

I know the above doesn't solve anything but I wanted you to know you aren't alone in finding it tough.

You’re working 4 days but only have childcare for 2.5 days. This is why it feels impossible.

I don't have 3. I have 2 children that are 4 and 1 and omg I find it SUCH HARD WORK. And that's with a partner who's home a lot and doesn't work away weekends. He works full time and I do part time as I just couldn't manage any more.
id say you need to carve out time for yourself but I know that's not easy to do. It's absolute graft and very hard raising little people. 3 sounds so much harder than 2 so you have my sympathies and sound like you are doing amazing. You need to make some time for yourself, could they up their hours at nursery to give you a free afternoon a week?

You are in the thick of it with the 18m and 6 year old. Can you get some help with cleaning? If it is a case of time poor cash rich, get a weekly cleaner, put the washing on overnight before bed and set the timer to finish in the morning and get up an hour earlier to put in the dryer and they should be halfway dried before you leave for work.
i think working evenings with its flexibility is your downfall here. I would put the kids in childcare for a set time (if affordable) and do your work during working hours. You will have some evenings free to rest or go to bed early. Cook 2-3 meals at the weekend separate from the meals you are eating and refrigerate or freeze them. I make burgers in batches, grill fish etc and freeze. Defrost in the fridge and pop in the oven with chips or steamed potatoes. It will get easier soon.

You need nursery hours according to your work hours.
You need a cleaner.
Your husband should find a job not working away with 3 young children.

Do you actually need to work? I know how that might sound, but I know how hard it is when you're doing it alone. Ppl on MN always say don't be a stay at home Mum, I understand the reasons but can you afford to take a couple of years out? It's a shame to not enjoy your kids at the ages they are.
No one who has 3 kids and works 4 days will have a show home, so your best is good enough, don't beat yourself up, kids clean , fed and happy, is enough 😊

@Pinkladyapplepie”no one who has 3 kids and works 4 days should have a show home” thank you, I absolutely love you for saying this. I must remember to say that to myself 😂

Thank you all I appreciate the messages. I should caveat this to say that we do have a cleaner (for 2.5 hours) a week, but honestly it lasts about a day then is trashed again.
Unfortunately I need to work, we have very high outgoings, and even my husband earns well I don’t know how it’s never enough. We have looked into a nanny but to be honest it’s unaffordable. I also do enjoy my job, I worked hard to get here and it’s challenging but gives me great self esteem and I feel like I’ve already been put back 5 years by having 3 maternity leaves.
Thank you for all the tips. I agree the flexible working is the downfall here, and maybe their nursery should be upped although I feel guilty about that.

You should have childcare for all the time you are working.

What are your very high outgoings? Can any of them be downsized??

Does your DH have to work away, is it usual in his field of work or could he find a job with less travelling?

What you’re trying to do is a bit impossible tbh

I have one child and my husband works away. I work full time and I’m exhausted. It’s so hard, I’m lonely in the evenings but too tired to socialise and if I do go out, I need to organise childcare. I have no help from
my parents either. It’s fucking hard and I only have 1. You’re doing an amazing job managing 3.

Maybe your family do not realise how hard it is. Could you ask when they are home that they might give you a hand? Could you prep meals at the start of the week? Also maybe get your shopping delivered. If the house gets messy try and not get upset you are doing your best with 3 young children. In a few years things will be better. It is just finding way to get through the next few years.

Literally this - I had a thread about how exhausting mine are together!

If it helps it IS easier now they are two and a half and five - four and one nearly killed me.

I am praying that when the youngest is three I will be on the home stretch!

I think you need childcare for at least the four days you're working. I'd say that's the very first thing to address. Once that's sorted and you get your evenings and weekends back you'll have a bit of headspace to focus on other things.

What is being used to trash the place? Toys, clothes, books? I’d get a large storage box and chuck all the toys in them and close it. Remind the kids to pick up after themselves.
To get some rest you need to get proper childcare. You cannot pour from an empty glass. I say this as a mum to 3 kids working 5 days on site. Do not feel guilty for using childcare.

It's good you enjoy your job, and it does set a great example to your kids, there's a saying regarding working women with children along the lines of" It's a myth you can have it all" in reality it's the Mum guilt that's the killer! When they are older, they will be able to see how hard you did try, they won't remember the tidy house but will remember you picked them up from school/ read them a story every night.💕

You need childcare for at least your working hours so you can do that well and feel less pressured outside of work hours. Your current set up sounds unsustainable.

Don't feel guilty about childcare -nursery provides all the messy activities not many parents want to do at home and endless socialising for them. Plus they get used to the new routine very quickly.

Make sure you get the kids outside for boisterous energetic play on any free days you have with them. It tires them out and being out of the house was always good for my soul too.

Three is also very overwhelming and hard so be kind to yourself. Mine got less full on when my youngest was about 3 and could play better with the older 2 siblings. I'm a few years ahead with similar age gaps to you but I still remember the crazy years

Just to add @ForRoseLemur honestly I did regret having two children. It was a funny one as I didn’t regret one particular child, I just longed for only one, so I could enjoy them. Those feelings are slowly going; they creep back after a particularly tough time but (the Christmas holidays were bloody awful, to be honest!) but it IS getting easier. I think a year from now you’ll be in a very different place.

Another who is confused about how you are being paid to work 4 days a week, but seem to only have 2 1/2 days childcare for the baby, and 3 1/2 for the toddler.

Clearly you need childcare (incl wrap around school care) for your working days.

It will still be exhausting. I had 3 who were similar age to you, and I had dh here to work with me, and it is knackering at this stage of life, but it really is the bare minimum for anyone in employment to have childcare in place for their working hours. It will make the unmanageable manageable.

She’s explained clearly enough, so I don’t know why it’s confusing. I’m not meaning that belligerently; I genuinely can’t see what’s confusing about the fact that the OP works for four days but flexibly, so makes up the one and a half days when she can.

Some jobs are fixed in terms of hours but plenty aren’t.

You need more child care. Three is hard.

We have 2 young DCs and it is so hard. There’s no way I could cope with 3 and work too which is the main reason we aren’t having a 3rd DC.

Sorry yes I should have clarified these 4 days a week are 30 hours spread over the whole week but usually worked in 3.5 days… 1 day in the office and the rest from home. As I said above husband has the youngest on one of those days, the others he goes to nursery. Unfortunately it does mean I’m meant to do long days on 3 of the days so will make up the time in the evening.

I mean this kindly but I don’t think it is possible to have it all. By that, I’m not just talking about you working and parenting but that both you and DH work a lot, you have little help, your DH works away and leaves you to parent alone a lot, you love your job and don’t want to downgrade, you want to keep a house that is tidy and clean, you want to be a good parent, you want to pick your kids up from school and avoid them being in childcare, you have both chosen a life with high outgoings which don’t facilitate paying for help.

Something has to give or you will kill yourself trying to be perfect at it all. Balls will be dropped and you probably won’t like to see that happening but there’s only so much two people can do.

Either you need less work, your DH needs less work or a job where he can be at home more, you need lower outgoings (which may facilitate changes in jobs for one or both of you) or you need more paid help. You cannot be doing all the school runs if you want to climb the career ladder and nor could your DH. Only you can decide which compromises you will make as a family but if you continue as you are, you’ll spend so many years looking forward and rushing through life.

Maybe sit down with your DH and explain how you feel. Work out what is important for you as a couple and how you can support each other. I don’t think anyone can give you an answer to this as it’s really down to what makes you both happy. No one can suggest ways of creating more hours in a day (sadly).

Can you downsize or your husband get a regular job?