Anyone else struggling to bond with their teenage daughter?

[Loobyloo93]

Hi, basically I am a single mother to 2 beautiful girls. One is nearly 13 😢 and one nearly 3. The father to my eldest has only just came in her life and has basically slowed down talking to her and and eventually stopped like I knew it would! Then I have my very crazy ADHD suspected 3 year old girl 😅 I am really struggling to find the balance between them both as my 3 year old is very jealous and wants me all to get self 24/7 which has caused my eldest to feel left out. And I hate to say it but my eldest has started to become abit of rebal when she’s out with her friends, I’m assuming it’s lack of attention 🙁 I am struggling to bond with her completely as all she wants to do is sit in her bedroom on her phone constantly if she’s not out with her friends. Literally just last night I said let’s all sit down stairs and put something on tv. She lasted all of an hour and wanted to go back to her room. I know it’s just the teenage stage but I’m worried we are going to clash in the future and I have already changed a lot because I am struggling with my mental health really bad I’ve had a adjust ALOT just to try to be in her side and feel like I’m not getting on at her all the time! She has also start self harming and I’ve tried everything from hospitals to schools to police to grounding her! I’m really struggling 🙁 And my youngest daughter goes to her dads every Friday so that is a blessing just to have 1 nights peace (she’s is a Velcro child) 😅but is anyone in the same situation?? Or have been through this and could give me any type of advice please 🙏

Yes people telling you off won't help. You want to improve things which is good. Some parents wouldn't bother. Try to focus on the supportive posts only

Posting on MN will always give you a mix of replies OP. Not everyone answers in good faith and you will get responses that feel a bit personal.
But if you want advice, it's there too

@Andjust clarification NO I did not call the police on my daughter but they was involved when she was out setting fires!! No I didn’t ground her for self harming either!!! Maybe I should of worded my post better!

@OhDear111 No it’s not a stable home for her at all. I have been trying to get help for my illness for years I am sorry it’s taking a long time and not everyone has a stable family home! As I can tell you now if I had one wish. It would be for my babies to have a stable happy family home! I want nothing more and believe me I am trying my best. Just abit of advice from single mums with teenage daughters was all I was looking for.

Ah, maybe my expectations are out. I was expecting 10 hours ish, so 7pm - 5am. Yes, it's early, but I don't see how else the OP will be able to create time for her elder daughter without spending on childcare. (I'm currently in the world of 5am wake ups so no longer feels too early to me!). Good luck OP

@BeamurThank you I appreciate you being kind and positive. I don’t take to negative post well as I pull myself apart enough as it is. I just want the best for my girl before it’s too late and I will! 100%

This book is good. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Door-Slammers-Behaved-Teenager-ebook/dp/B003TSE02Y?ref_=ast_author_dp_aw&th=1&psc=1&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.q1BReE-osS2vV3JeGdaRu341Cj2DewBMArWAyYhfw1TGjHj071QN20LucGBJIEps.AB83coPQ-l1IfytGoqVOV8fW-4JmJ9r10LfJ4JLd-Qg&dib_tag=AUTHOR

How is it not?I think pointing out, she's threatened police on a thirteen year old of mental health issues.How is it not helpful to tell if that was awful and not to do that again.

@BeamurMy 3 year old barely sleep at all! She is up twice in the night too! It’s hard!

I've always found it useful to praise and compliment my dds. I think it raises their self worth and improves the relationship and their behaviour. Mine are young adults now

Following as I'm in a similar boat, minus the self harm, but my daughter is younger (almost 9) and if I'm honest I worry about self harm in the future as I was a self harmer. I have a one year old and I'm also a single parent, 9 year old's father is also not on the scene at all and I'm struggling to find time for her since the baby, and I'm really feeling the distance now. I'm desperate to find our bond again but it's so hard when we don't have any time together without the baby around. By bedtimes, I'm absolutely shattered. But night before last, she stayed up late to help me decorate and wrap presents for baby's birthday, we ordered a late night take away and it was so lovely to spend some time together. It was like having my little friend back 🥹 so I've decided that no matter how tired I am by bedtime, one or two weekends a month, she can stay up late and we'll do something together (board game etc) and get a take away. Maybe you could do the same. It's a start. Good luck. And I wish I had some advice on the self harm front as I have my own personal experience, but, unfortunately, I've no idea what could have made me stop doing it, it becomes a go to when you're in emotional turmoil. So definitely push ahead with the therapy and help with sorting out her emotions inside.

Sounds like you're doing great and it's really positive that she has not self harmed in months especially as its the saddest time of year. Some more free bonding ideas that my teenage dd liked:
Do a youtube yoga / dance / fitness course together
Do her hair in a french braid or whatever girls like these days, using a youtube tutorial
Make a collage calendar for 2027 for her gran featuring loads of gorgeous photos of her
Use youtube to get her colours analysed then get a cheap t-shirt in her best colour
Watch one episode of a boxset of her choice every evening
Help her with schoolwork.
Learn tarot together and read each others cards ... this can be a really good form of talking therapy ... if you always look for the positive
Good luck. She's lucky to have a caring mum. Of course she will still want to be alone a lot at her age ... that's natural.

Read all OP's posts. She's clarified that's not what happened

@AzureRose I can assure you I did NOT ring the police on my daughter nor would I ever!! Or ground her for self harming. I just meant they were involved previously, as she was a little out of control at one point. I was just giving people an insight to our life a little that’s all.

My teen is almost 19 now. I think you need also to think about both your own and her 'love language '
Sounds corny but it's about the little things - my DD is ASD also and a lot of how she shows love is sharing her interests with me (and a lot of talking). TV has actually been a big thing for us and we've watched shows together (like the summer I turned pretty) and then talked about it -; a lot! We both like reading and will read the same book (and talk about it)
I think I am a bit of a gift giver. But it's small stuff, like if I go shopping I get her favourite cookies - she's away at Uni now and sometimes I post her little gifts (socks, skin care)
But I think my best advice is to meet her where she is, show interest in her life, friends, hobbies, etc.
Parenting teens can be challenging - it's a mix of keeping them close and letting them go..

@ChikinLikin Thank you 🙏 this post was so helpful and means a lot. Definitely good ideas too!

@ncaibu I’m sorry you are dealing with a similar situation to mine, as it is really difficult. But I am so pleased to hear you have got your little friend back! I wish I could go back in time as we had a lovely relationship when she was 9 but of course she was the only child! But when they hit those periods I feel I lost her little by little, she’s tired constantly too. I’m sorry you went through the self harming stage as is breaking my heart to see her do this to herself. She is so beautiful and is destroying her lovely olive skin 😢 I know that a couple of her friend were doing at the same time and one friend she was besties with that the exact same scars on her leg as my girl did. I didn’t know how to process that? I’m here if you would like to chat more though. I don’t have anyone to talk to which can make life harder. I tend not to go my mum as she’s pretty judgmental herself and has shut me down a lot in my life so not easy talking to her. I hope you have someone to talk too. Having a baby as single momma is hard ❤️

@BeamurThat is really sweet of you! I do always try to gift my girls but I am so crap sometimes I can’t keep the secret and ruin it before I give it to her 🫣 yeah I need to work on my impulsive side lol! But yeah I’m going to make a good list of all the things she likes and start ticking them off, I did say to her this morning I would like to get something set up where it’s just us 2 and when I mentioned shopping she had a big grin so I think thats a start! 😅

Ah, OP this sounds really tough. The fact that you're on here asking for advice shows that you're a great mum who loves your girls and wants to try and be the best you can be.
Teenage girls are tough and whatever we do it always seems to be the wrong thing as far as they are concerned.
My only advice is to try and be interested in her, and her thoughts and opinions, and try and be as non-judgemental as you can. There's no point in trying to create a world where you have loads of spare time for her; that isn't your world. So just work with the time you've got and try to keep talking to her.
Try to 'up' the level at which you talk to her too. When I started talking to my teen about my own thoughts, opinions and vulnerabilities, she opened up to me so much more in turn. It's like she felt confident in talking to me as soon as I started talking to her like an older person on my wavelength rather than as a child. It's a weird dynamic to adapt to, but you can fake it til you make it.
You're doing great OP...keep giving them plenty of love and the rest will work itself out.

It’s the easy route to just say it will be in the end. It’s not been ok for the op or her DDs. Lobe doesn’t help much or thinking a 13 year old will be your best mate. Look what has happened since she was 9. The last few years have seen her feel rejected. Another baby and no dad. Nor the second dad. It’s hard to reorganize her life, but it had to be a family issue where all decide what they want and I agree with talking. It will be easier when toddler gets to nursery and school.