Struggling with teen sons new unexpected baby

[Disgramma]

I am struggling to come to terms with my teen sons GF having a baby - it was unexpected - neither knew she was pregnant … now baby is here 6 weeks - shock has hit me but also I feel so much anxiety over their young lives changing - but mostly for myself I worry about what I am expected to do for them .. I already work full time and support my DD with her young child .. which as paternal grandparent I have done but I am max out mentally and physically - I’m in a state of anxiety every day worrying about what I am going to have to do to help how much I am expected to do - the GF lives at home with her parents and my DS lives at home with me.. they are not ready for a place of their own and financially it’s not possible right now either - but I cannot shake this awful feeling of anxiety - have started counselling and spoke to gp and started meds … just wondered if anyone out there has experienced something similar ? And can share advice on how to navigate this …. Also is it normal for The GF parents to step up more in this situation …..

I'd feel low and worried if I had to raise my grandchildren. And I don't have anxiety.

Thank you … yes my DD said when she needed help and we tried to work out what I could and couldn’t do … I can say to her if I’m tired or struggling and she understands .. and she’s requested more nursery days so I can do less… I will absolutely baby sit and help my DS …I maybe am just over worrying about how to do more when maybe I won’t actually need to .. but that’s what anxiety does .. it makes me overthink and over worry about what might be … when it might never happen …. I’m not trying to control things .. I just want to feel better and be calmer Thank you

It is true that your other grandchild has more adults to potentially offer support, you need to find an equitable way to support both GC and not show obvious favoritism to your older grandchild. This does not mean equal in time and resources and is something you will need to navigate. You seem to be limiting yourself to paternal grandparent duties. This is not a fair attitude ime.

It is very difficult and it sounds as if everyone is in shock, including you. Your actions will impact your family and GC. Your GC will know you favour their cousin.

My GPS had favourites, so do my DM and ILs. My ILs favour their paternal GC and have an obvious favourite grandchild. It is so sad for everyone involved.

Give yourself time to adjust, think about what you need to sustain long term health and good relationships with your DC and DGC in this new normal. 💐

You seem very detached from your son and DGC. You've never once mentioned what a beautiful baby or perfect addition ect ect. I think I would be brimming with love and wanting to spend time with my GC.
I understand your life is very busy but it seems strange that you would ditch the inexperienced 18yr old yet overhelp the 24yr old with 18mths experience. Is it not now time to share your time ? Just exactly as you did when your own 2nd child was born ? When there is only one child/grandchild they get all your attention but once you have two children/ grandchildren they have to share your time.

How did no one know about the pregnancy? Didn’t she have a bump?

I would start by making sure your son gets a paternity test.

after that, you need to stop overextending yourself. Whatever time and resources you would devote to each of your children at their respective ages should be divided between your children and grandchildren.

Thank you that’s reassuring … I do worry the GF is not as attached to baby as most new mums are. I hope maybe it’s the shock of the arrival of the baby and not being mentally prepared. Hopefully it will come

Thank you. You are right. They do have many grandparents and aunties willing to help and if i can find a balance for them both it will be beneficial for all .. I know my anxiety is playing a big part in this and I am working with a Councellor and meds to get it under control so I can be more rational and think clearer .. and not be overwhelmed .. I want to get a balance ..for me and for both my children .. my DS is stepping up as much as he can and is asking the right questions around how he cares and helps his baby and GF .. he is paying his way and ensuring his GF gets time to herself … maybe time will calm things …and I’m over worrying

I agree with this. My mother never stepped up and helped. Although outwith dh nobody knows that. My MIL stepped up and helped her dds. We got left to manage. I echo this sentiment strongly "never do for one what you wouldn't do for all your children" . My MIL did more for her daughters and she gave them all a huge help up because of this whilst her sons struggled on. My mother helped neither of her kids more than the other. However she literally helped none of us at all.

It’s difficult because she may be struggling if she genuinely didn’t know. Perhaps a conversation with your DS about it?

worry over what I am expected to do as I am worn a bit thin helping others

Frankly you shouldn't be doing a lot.

If the baby is with your son it will be for a limited time and that's his time and responsibility not yours. The baby is so young that it needs to be with her mother. So the burden has to fall on her parents. Because you can't magically live in her house.

Doing more might come when the kid is older and it's appropriate. But Dad has to fill in the gaps first. Not you.

Literally haven’t said she should bring up the grandchild or quit her job. My DM isn’t bringing up my children either - she’s essentially our childcare provider but with the added bonus of loving my kids just as much as we do. We are very lucky that she is in a position to and actively wanted to do this for us.

Being a grandparent is loving that child and spending time with them. It’s a different relationship to parenting.

But your ds’s girlfriend won’t be a single parent, so worrying about which set of in-laws are going to “step up” is a bit unnecessary.
They’re very young, but they’re a couple who have chosen to have a baby together and will have to work things out for themselves.
Their time of being parented themselves is over.

Horrid thing to say .

Don't do that OP, or you will cause WW3.

They won't take kindly to that and rightly do. How absolutely crass and tactless to suggest it.

I have never been more grateful to my PIL for not throwing around accusations that DD1 wasn’t my DH’s child. We’d not been together long when I got pregnant but there was no way she could have been anyone else’s.

When we told them I was pregnant, MIL gave me a big hug and reassured me that our baby would be loved. They have continued to be a wonderful source of support for the 12 years since DD was born and our subsequent 2 children. So grateful!

I think if you can all work together to support the young parents in continuing their education, that would be the best long term support. They have a child to support and it is an investment into all of their futures.

I think the op is feeling overwhelmed and has posted for support . I would expect GFs parents are feeling the same but also sure they will help as much as possible. You sound like a lovely , thoughtful person but it's feeling all too much atm . I'd try and confide in your son and tell him how you're feeling , it will all work out in the end .

time and time energy?

mothers are nearly always way closer to daughters than sons once they’re in a realtionship and have their own kids.

I assumed form what she said she’s daughters baby wasn’t quite that much of surprise. She offered as felt she had capacity to do so, this coming so soon at age she didn’t expect means she simply doesn’t have capacity. She feels guilty. Hence the anxiety etc.

dont beat her up for it. Metaphorically. She been to Gp fgs !

Why is it mainly the women expecting to step up mothers, grandmas, aunties? At least the son is stepping up but where are the rest of the men in the families?

Just a reminder to put on your own oxygen mask first, OP. These children belong to your children. They are their responsibility. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

So you have a daughter who had a child young and now a son. I’m not sure it’s so out of the blue if it happened to your daughter as well. Maybe explore what is behind the anxiety. Is it just life stacking up. Sertraline can be a god send during these moments in life though. A visit to the gp perhaps?

We have now had some good chats as a family around what help and support each family can give them to help them be the best parents they can be.. with the support from family .. trying to help them establish a routine that works for all including them and baby .. and giving them time to relax and bond as well as some space to do things but we have been clear on what we cannot do as well trying to see if this routine we have going works better for everyone ..as well as ensuring they find a new routine themselves as a new family thank you for your kind words and advice

Thank you

OP, I think you're overthinking this and it's causing misplaced anxiety.
Your son hasn't actually asked you for anything yet, and is in a stable relationship with his pregnant girlfriend.
Your daughter, however, seems to be completely dependent on you...you describe yourself as a second parent to her child.
That isn't healthy for either you or your daughter in the long term, single parent or not.
Perhaps you should be setting boundaries for your daughter aswell as your son.