Struggling with teen sons new unexpected baby

[Disgramma]

I am struggling to come to terms with my teen sons GF having a baby - it was unexpected - neither knew she was pregnant … now baby is here 6 weeks - shock has hit me but also I feel so much anxiety over their young lives changing - but mostly for myself I worry about what I am expected to do for them .. I already work full time and support my DD with her young child .. which as paternal grandparent I have done but I am max out mentally and physically - I’m in a state of anxiety every day worrying about what I am going to have to do to help how much I am expected to do - the GF lives at home with her parents and my DS lives at home with me.. they are not ready for a place of their own and financially it’s not possible right now either - but I cannot shake this awful feeling of anxiety - have started counselling and spoke to gp and started meds … just wondered if anyone out there has experienced something similar ? And can share advice on how to navigate this …. Also is it normal for The GF parents to step up more in this situation …..

There’s nothing you can do about it, but you need to make sure your son steps up. How old is he? 13 is different than 17. Is he helping the mum, providing things for the baby?

Hi they are both 18 … and yes he’s stepped up is helping with feeds etc , paying for anything she needs and cooking dinner for them in her house or my house and taking his turn at night feeds

Well you need to sit them down and speak to them about any expections they may have if your not up for babysitting tell them now. Is it possible for ds to live with her and the baby? Are the GFs parents helping them? Its quite normal if they are the morher will always be closer to their mum than the mother in law.

OP, you sound lovely. In the kindest way possible - he’s 18! He’s old enough to get a full time job and rent a property. You can support by providing standard grandparent babysitting (if you would like to) and giving advice (if he asks for it) but other than that, I’m not sure what you’d think you had to do. 18 is so different to say 13 or 14.

Your son sounds lovely, and his GF sounds well supported. Don’t overthink it for now and maybe in the future you might help, but you’re not obliged to. It must have been a big shock, give it time x

That’s good he’s stepped up.
they will both need your support.
I note you refer to this baby as his GFs baby and you sound quite detached and want her parents to be the ones to support?
This is your grandchild too.
You said you already support your daughter with her child so why would you not do the same for your son?

It sounds lovely like your DS is stepping up if he is taking turns with night feeding, cooking his gf meals, and buying g things for baby. Make sure he understands he needs to use birth control. Encourage him to keep working to provide for his baby. There is no reason for you to feel anxious. Your DS at 18 is an adult and will have to deal with consequences of his actions. How old is your DD? You shouldn't have to be looking after her baby frequently either. Let her do it herself. You could go out for an afternoon at the weekend and get away from babies and relax.

Make sure that ds knows that gf can get pregnant again so to use contraception if having sex.

If it’s causing you this much anxiety, why are you doing it? I mean that politely, how much childcare do you do for your daughter?

i understand your worry about how you will cope with what may be expected of you in this situation when you sound stretched thin to begin with.
Your son and his GF may be young but they may surprise you in how they manage as new parents and it sounds like the GF has some parental support and that your son seems to be doing well with his new responsibilities.
Have you spoken to your son about what support they need/want /expect from you?
It may be you have to simply do what you can .........

As an 18 year old man, he needs to be making a plan for how he can rent his own place and provide for his family.

They are very young but this is the life they have chosen - they are missing out on the prolonged childhood that other young adults have but there’s no reason they can’t both step up and create a great life together.

It’s not the end of the world having children young but they do need to figure out how they can make it work without relying on their parents.

I think the OP wants to support her son and his GF with their child/her grandchild but feels overwhelmed with her current responsibilities(work,her mental health issues and helping her DD with her child) and is trying to cope best she can.

To be honest I think this is rubbish. He needs to step up, but pushing this couple to live together at this stage would just add to their stress and is not the best idea for the baby either.

@DisforDarkChocolate They are adults with a baby, I’d agree with you if they were 15.

Rubbish, I was a parent at 19 and lived with my husband at 19 in our own house, old enough to procreate - old enough to move out.

He's an adult. This is not your responsibility offer to cook for them one day a week so you see them altogether but don't be too hands on

I think as long as they have jobs, they can start saving up to move out. It might take years but to start saving up now. I think talk to him about safe sex, so they don’t make another one. Not a lot you can do really, but don’t let her live with you or you’ll never get rid of them.

Hi it’s not possible for him to move in to GF house , and I do think the GF is getting help from her mum and other family members .. I also help .. I just wish I could stop the anxiety I feel and worry …

What specifically is it that you are worried might happen?

They are young, but at the same time they are adults not children. They will have to do what most of us do when we become parents which is to figure it out.

Also, you will have to find the strength to say no if they try to put too much on you.

He does work and he is paying for everything they need… I think shock for everyone is a factor and I know my feelings are extreme I am trying to be logical and calm .. I also support my DD with childcare and nursery runs and evening care as she is a single parent with an ex who is useless so I do help her. My son is stepping up and trying and I know I need to let him grow. I am just struggling with anxiety and worry over what I am expected to do as I am worn a bit thin helping others

That is exactly how I feel. I do want to provide support for them .. I just feel worn thin with the help I also provide to my DD and her child .. she is single parent and I have supported her with childcare , household help , time together to support her mental health … I just feel overwhelmed and so very stressed it’s impacting my mental wellbeing and I’m trying to keep grounded ….

Well the baby will have two parents and two grandparents in the house the baby will live in. It’s unlikely you will be expected to do much. Have a chat with your son and explain your anxiety. I bet you are worrying over nothing. Take a deep breath and look at it logically, you don’t have to do anything for the baby but be supportive of your son.

Have you actually asked him or his GF if they would like you to do anything?
Are you friendly with her parents? If so, you could ask them if they would like you to help with anything.

You don't have to do anything, and you are not "expected" to do anything, unless one of them actually asks you to do them a favour (and says please).

Do you think it's "lovely" the baby's mum is "stepping up" by feeding the baby, taking turns with night feeds and buying this for it? It's the bare minimum that a parent should be doing.

Do you think it's "lovely" when other parents don't neglect their children.

It's not lovely, it's just that not doing it would be reprehensible.

I worry about how low we set the bar sometimes.

I guess my biggest worry is that I am expected to do for his GF what I do for my DD. I am a second parent for my DD young child , she relies on support and I have willingly given that to her .. she doesn’t have any other support network other than me as her ex partner is not on scene very much .. I do nursery runs. Full days babysitting and support with outings at weekends .. I work full time and compress hours to allow me to help her ..I guess I am hoping that the GF mum steps in like I have with her DD and as the mum of the dad I can just help with babysitting when needed … rather than it being expected that I do as much … is it normal for the girls parents to step up more than the boys parents ?