Struggling with teen sons new unexpected baby

[Disgramma]

I am struggling to come to terms with my teen sons GF having a baby - it was unexpected - neither knew she was pregnant … now baby is here 6 weeks - shock has hit me but also I feel so much anxiety over their young lives changing - but mostly for myself I worry about what I am expected to do for them .. I already work full time and support my DD with her young child .. which as paternal grandparent I have done but I am max out mentally and physically - I’m in a state of anxiety every day worrying about what I am going to have to do to help how much I am expected to do - the GF lives at home with her parents and my DS lives at home with me.. they are not ready for a place of their own and financially it’s not possible right now either - but I cannot shake this awful feeling of anxiety - have started counselling and spoke to gp and started meds … just wondered if anyone out there has experienced something similar ? And can share advice on how to navigate this …. Also is it normal for The GF parents to step up more in this situation …..

I don't know how old the young Mum is but yes it is lovely they are sharing the burden of night feeds. I think it bodes well for them both for the future. I don't know if she cooks meals for them both like OP's DS does or if she relies solely on her Mum cooking for her.

You need to take a deep breath and manage your anxiety. Its all over the place. Gf’s family will manage for her as you are managing for your dd. Somewhere out there perhaps your dd’s ex MIL is managing for her dd in preference to helping her son with his children. Its the great chain of shit men leaving women to do the work of childrearing.

Meanwhile your ds and his gf are 18. They can and should figure it out together. You do not need to pitch in. Although they both sound incredibly stupid as they never used easily available birth control or availed themselves of common knowledge about sex and reproduction.

But nothing bad is going to happen to the new gc. Its not a foundling left in the street.

Just remember you need to treat your grandchildren equally, its a bit off to do loads for one and then not even the bare minimum for the other but its still early days yet.

OP, is your DD working?
Because you say you're doing nursery runs, full days baby sitting and helping out on weekend outings, all while working full time yourself.
No wonder you're stressed.
Why isn't your daughter stepping up more?

I know it's easier said than done, but I would try not to think too far into the future about what might be expected of you or what might happen. Support them in a way that you can manage now. If they ask for more support in future then you will deal with that then. Protect yourself, your energy levels and your mental health because you cannot support them unless you are OK. It will be OK. You will all be OK.

The thing is it’s so new to everyone. They are trying to navigate what day to day looks like … we are all trying to help them get a routine .. since GF lives at her home with parents and her grandparents. I do think she has support ( I truly do hope so ) the GF says they help ..I don’t know the gf parents we did meet after unexpected arrival of baby and they said they would support her .. I don’t want to interfere as my own experience with my DD I encouraged her to step up and be the parent she was 24 when she had her baby so more stable in job ( and relationship but that fell to pieces not long after baby arrived ) I have said to both my son and GF that they need to work out how to navigate this as they are the parents not us .. and support doesn’t mean taking over it means helping … I know my anxiety is probably ridiculous but it is how I feel. The worry and stress and the unknown of what is expected from the boys parent in this situation …

Thank you your comments make sense. I am thinking too far ahead and worrying over things that have not happened

the unknown of what is expected from the boys parent

So ask them.

You have to be fair between both children. You need to offer babysitting to both.

It sounds like it might be sensible for you to sit down and work out what time youve got for what each week.

Your daughter may have needed a lot of support when her partner originally left, but she needs to learn to become more independent in the long term. Youre not the child’s other parent and she shouldn’t be expecting you to fill that space.

As you’re demonstrating, you dont have capacity to be everything to everyone. It also sounds like you’re doing an awful lot of child care for her. Plenty of two parent households with small children dont get as much time away from chikdren as you’re describing you give her. One evening and one half day a month (or one whole day) for her social life would be a totally reasonable babysitting offer. Plus a bit of support with childcare related to her working.

Then you can give your son a comparable level of support to what you’re giving her. Although near term he may benefit more from support with things like job hunting, budget planning, child development, cooking family meals, cleaning properly, meal planning etc.

guess my biggest worry is that I am expected to do for his GF what I do for my DD
For his gf? Not him? Is it not his child?

I think you’ll damage your relationship with your son (his gf and your gc) if you offer all this help to your daughter but not him.
but actually I think you need to do less for dd. They’re not your children, you are not their ‘second parent’ you are their grandmother

Yes she’s working part time now. So she can stand on her own two feet financially and provide for her and her child … it’s all been manageable with my DD until this shock additional arrival .. with no one knowing the sons GF was pregnant it’s been a shock to all … and I do want to provide help but I’m not sure what I have left to give … my DD young child will get more nursery days soon so I can stop compressing hours .. that will give me more time I had looked forward to some me time for self care but I feel that’s selfish of me as well. Again more anxiety at being happy my DD was getting more nursery place but her young child is thriving and she is keen she gets the nursery space for her development so that’s good. She never asks me to take her young child overnight as she appreciates all the help I give her. And she doesn’t dump child on me either she comes to the park with me or goes on walks with me and the child. So we enjoy times together … and she is there to help she is a really really good mum. She’s also helping her brother and GF with hints and tips and making them dinner one night a week to allow them to chill out and relax a bit …

And how the hell is the poor woman supposed to do that. She's working full time and already basically bringing up her daughter's baby, and she obviously isn't in her 20's anymore! Treating grandchildren equally means giving them the same Christmas presents and fun outgings. It shouldn't mean having the responsibility of bringing up two young babies.

It sounds like you've got far too much on your plate already, and that's why the weight of potential extra responsibility is making you overwhelmed and anxious.

You work full time, you don't mention your own partner/ dad of DC either, presumably you're getting older, and you need and deserve enough me time and rest to be your best self. A strung out, stressed mum / Granny is not going to be good for anyone

Can you talk to your DD about reducing childcare etc and explain you're strung out? She should be able to access govt help presumably.

And don't take on anything for your DS' child without really thinking it through. Your son's girlfriend has family to help - let them.

Your son's girlfriend has her own mother for that level of support if she needs it.

Has your DS even mentioned wanting the same things or are you simply spiraling without any facts?

that is a worry for me … I’m happy to help out .. my DD is sorting out more nursery days for her young child .. I guess my stress is doing this all over again. I hope I can do less as with my DD there was no other help from her ex partner or his family .. it was just me … and it’s a lot for one parent to do … this time it’s not just me so I am hoping and praying the gf family help and I can help making it not all on me. I know it is ridiculous worrying over things that have not happened but it’s anxiety and stress that’s causing me to catastrophise over this and my past experience of the help needed

Just remember you need to treat your grandchildren equally

Sorry but this is ridiculous, when it comes to OP's time.

She has one GC with one adult to help

Another GC with 6 adults to help

Who needs more help?!

Thank you for your comments. I am 60 the gf parents are mid 40 … defo not getting younger

That’s what I hope for. That the gf mum gives whatever support her DD needs as I would expect the GF to be closer to her mum and grandmother being able to get help and guidance from them .. the same as I gave and give my DD … I do help I look after baby and when they stay here I get up and help with a night feed and early morning feeds .. I am just so tired and worn out and worrying how long can I continue and will I need to do more

OP do you have a partner? Is your son's father around?

That is right. My DD has me and my sons GF has more support from family members. My own parents have passed now. The GF grandparents are aged same as me. Her parents are much younger than me …

I became a mum at 16, 8 years ago and we’re doing fine now my mum never helped out or even let me live with her post baby. Being 18 isn’t a reason for you to step in on it’s own unless they’re struggling and you’re worried about your grandchild but that would also apply if the parents were 30

No he doesn’t. His daughter only has him, his son has a girlfriend and two other grandparents. Very different needs.

Sorry but they don't need help with night feeds if your working. There's two of them and they can tag team the baby, they are 18 not super young teens

Don't read things into the OP that aren't there. How can a state of anxiety, counselling and meds possibly sound "detached"?

And what's with "You said you already support your daughter with her child so why would you not do the same for your son?" - because she's already supporting her daughter and she works full-time FGS