Struggling with teen sons new unexpected baby

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I am struggling to come to terms with my teen sons GF having a baby - it was unexpected - neither knew she was pregnant … now baby is here 6 weeks - shock has hit me but also I feel so much anxiety over their young lives changing - but mostly for myself I worry about what I am expected to do for them .. I already work full time and support my DD with her young child .. which as paternal grandparent I have done but I am max out mentally and physically - I’m in a state of anxiety every day worrying about what I am going to have to do to help how much I am expected to do - the GF lives at home with her parents and my DS lives at home with me.. they are not ready for a place of their own and financially it’s not possible right now either - but I cannot shake this awful feeling of anxiety - have started counselling and spoke to gp and started meds … just wondered if anyone out there has experienced something similar ? And can share advice on how to navigate this …. Also is it normal for The GF parents to step up more in this situation …..

Old enough to produce a baby. Old enough to care and provide for said baby.
Yes you can support the young couple but they are the parents and they are wholly responsible for baby's care and welfare.
You need to be very clear on this, so you dont end up virtually bringing up your grandchild

I would outright ask them both (son and gf) if they would like your help with the baby and if so what they need. Be clear up front that you have limited resources but want to support them effectively where you are able. If they do want that, I'd next try to set up a face to face meeting with both of them and the other grandparents (and perhaps your son's other parent, if local and they have a relationship) and brainstorm how each of you can best help so you're not duplicating efforts.

There may be some things you're the grandparent best placed to provide. Just as one example: once the baby is old enough to be away from the mother for a bit, could you arrange to look after the two children together once in a while to give the parents a break - so using the time you already have allocated instead of adding new time commitments? Remember that offering or quietly trying to do more than you can will be bad for everyone; you have to take care of yourself to stay in good shape to support your loved ones. And it sounds like the uncertainty is weighing on you even more than the prospect of the work; getting clarity on that could be a huge help.

The detachment is interesting... I wonder if she detached herself from the pregnancy as well as it is unusual not to realise you are pregnant (though obviously it does happen).

This isn't a solution for now, but in a year or so maybe it would be possible to offer babysitting for both grandchildren at the same time on a regular basis e.g. one day (or morning/afternoon) per week. Once they are old enough to be on the same routine and play together two isn't really more difficult than one and is certainly easier than two separate days of childcare

If everyone steps in and does stuff for them then she will get detached as it's looking after the baby by committee. Sounds like she didn't recognise or want to know she was pregnant.

There's probably more going on there but you can only do what you can do.

At 18, you don't need to do anything. He's an adult and he and the mum need to share the responsibility. If they want a night out maybe they can sort out taking it in turns with DD to babysit each other's DC, that may take off the load you have with DDs child too.
I don't think maternal GPs have obligations any more than paternal GPs do.

Decide for yourself what you are both able and willing to do, and stick to that. If anyone else has different 'expectations', that is not your problem.

OP I know this is a huge shock probably to you all. You sound overwhelmed, exhausted and worried for the future a lot of this is rooted in how much you do for your DD.

I mean this kindly but you have 2 grandchildren now not one. Both your children need you and both your grandchildren need you. As it stands it very much seems you are so over committed to your DD and her child you cannot support your son and his child.

You need to step back a bit from your dd now and let her take on more of the parenting of her own child and offer your son some support. If you dont you risk pushing your son and his child away. Your son and his child need you now and your dd needs to stand on her own 2 feet a bit. She isnt a child. She is a 24 year old woman who made an adult decision to have a child.

In my dhs family MIL helps her dds with childcare. She does everything you do but only for her DDs. Her sons and there kids don't get that help or any really at all. She is so focused on her dds needing "help" it has come at the expense of her sons and there children.

My dh feels totally let down by her because we have struggled for years with no help whilst watching the females in his family getting endless support, frequent weekends off, financial help, free childcare etc. My children have barely any interest in my MIL now as they know she always prioritises her dds and there kids. Do not let this happen in your family. Its toxic and unfair on your son and his child.

Right now your basically saying you will help but only your dd. You are overwhelmed by the level of help you give her and your other commitments so now this unexpected new grandchild has arrived and you need to reassess your priorities. Your son and his new baby need to be higher up the list of those properties at the moment than your dd. You have helped your dd for years now offer some of that help and support to your son.

Or help no one, and let them all deal with the consequences of their actions.

OP, it must have been a huge shock and I am not surprised you are worried. Have they actually mentioned wanting any support?

I had my first child a few days after my 19th birthday and never needed any help from anyone. I adored my baby, I worked right up to the day before I had him, enjoyed my maternity leave and then went straight back to work? Baby was in formal childcare. His dad and I just muddled through, it was hard at times but it didn’t occur to me that anyone else would be expected to do anything.

They might be coping just fine. Try to relax and enjoy getting to know your new grandchild, new baby snuggles, the odd feed, nappy change maybe but the responsibility for parenting doesn’t lie with you.

"help his girlfriend"? Why are you viewing it as you helping her? It's your son who you would be helping.
It's extremely unfair that you're willing to offer so much help you to your daughters kids, but not yours sons. It's very hurtful for the son and his family.

It’s all going to be ok. This new baby has two parents who are young but both stepping up, 4 grandparents interested in being involved and an auntie who is mum to a toddler and interested in helping.
Your kids will figure out how to lean on each other. In five year’s time they could well be taking turns on the school run and park trips. Be the involved granny you want to be but encourage your kids to help each other out and don’t exhaust yourself. It’s not really safe for you or the babies/toddlers if you’re trying to look after them when you’re too tired to physically cope.

the uncertainty is weighing on me .. worrying what I need to do and how to help … they are young adults and I have said they need to face their responsibilities and work out what works for them and what help they need. Then we need to see who is best placed to provide that help .. the other grandchild is 18 months so it not possible to look after both … my age and abilities need to factor in for me … but I do need to find a balance and make sure others step in as well

Anxiety is the most dreadful thing, you have my utmost sympathy. I think you can offer them lots of encouragement to be the best parents. Please try and take each day as it comes.
Your son’s girlfriend seems to have a lot of support so that is good. As your daughter’s child gets older hopefully you can step back a bit and have more time
for yourself.
it’s very early days and as your new gc starts to smile and laugh you will feel better. Take care of yourself.

I think that in time it will be easier to manage both grandchildren like you say. So not double the time etc … I worry if gf is detached slightly that will have a bearing on additional needs from parents and grand parents that’s causing me concern but I also think that health visitor would possible spot this and give support …I hope …. My anxiety is spiralling due to so many unknowns and no prep time before baby arrived … and helping my DD will reduce as she is going to get another few days for nursery care .. she’s also amended her working hours to try to reduce what I do to help .. it’s just difficult because I am the only support she has .. whereas the GF and my DS have her parents and grandparents and my sons dad

You were probably working on the basis that as your daughter became stronger and got more days at nursery you could see the light at the end of the tunnel and now this situation sprung on you is like a step backwards and it starting all over again

Dont listen to people saying its 'hurtful' or 'unfair' for you to set out what you will or wont do, thats how people get manipulated into doing things that they simply cannot cope with.

You only have a certain amount of reserve to deal with stuff that isn't directly your responsibility. It may be that you need to step back a little from the support you give your daughter with her child to be able to provide some support for your son with his child, as you only have so much spare time/finance/headspace to go around, and now it will need to be divided. Otherwise you run the risk of being seen as doing everything for your daughter's child, but not your other grandchild.

Your are just as much a grandparent as your son's GF's mum, it's not a job for only the mothers of daughters to do.

Right now while the baby is small, it's likely that your son's GF will not go back to work, but if she does and you are taking one grandchild to nursery and not another, this will look really unfair and could damage the relationship with your son and his GF, as well as their child.

I'm sure that it will not be easy for your daughter, but she's had you givinga lot of support up until now, and you will still be giving some support.

Plus, maybe you need some time actually for yourself, instead of running around for your adult kids.

You are currently not in any position to form a view on the girlfriends attachment to the child.

Cross that off your list. You’re not seeing her or the child in their own home. You're seeing them at yours, which is the place where she’s not responsible for anything. Baby has dad, and someone else is on tidying and home making duties.

It does sound like working on better boundaries is important for you to focus on with counselling work. A tally of hours you put into your adults daughters life might be enlightening. You've mentioned nursery, and that she only works part time. How does the difference between those two sets of hours compare to hours you spend on them each week.

Never do for one what you wouldn’t do for all your children…..that way lies resentment

I'd say your main job is to try and ensure your son doesn't turn into another dead beat Dad like his sisters ex. Do they want to sleep over yours sometimes? is there room for a cot etc at yours?

your daughter has one parent, you have hopefully raised your son to not just walk away. that will make a huge difference.
and yes, I'd say the maternal family normally do more especially if they're living at home

different kids have different needs.
it would be ridiculous of OP to have refused to give her daughter any support or limited support on the off chance her son would become a teenage father.

and the baby's Mom isn't even asking for help, she has her own family and hopefully a partner doing his best.

are you honestly saying you'd let your child struggle and potentially fail because their siblings MIGHT need the same help at a time when you can't give it?

I say this with kindness OP but are you sure you are worried - or are you feeling guilty? You will almost certainly not be expected to do what you have for your daughter. However you need to navigate this carefully. If you keep saying no to your son's requests for help whilst giving all this help to your daughter it will cause distance and resentment. Maybe now is the time to put in some proper boundaries wirh your daughter and explain there may now be times you have to say no.

They're not children any more though and one has no support at all and the other has 5 or 6 adults supporting her not to mention the OP's DD helping point her in the right direction.

I think it's great that you enable your dd to work OP, don't feel you have to stop doing that if it works for both of you. I would not ask what you can do for your sons child, I don't think it needs a conversation with anyone - did you lay out for your dd what you could do or did she ask? I'd guess she asked for what she needed and you said yes or no. Let your son and his GF do the same - you're not treating them differently then. You'll see the baby when she's over so no worries about bonding.

Carry on as you are OP, you're doing fine.

Unsure why you need to make sure others step in too…. It’s entirely up to each family member to make their own decision and not really your concern. You do as little or as much as you want, lower all your expectations as it’s too much. You will come across as over bearing and controlling if you’re not careful. Sure your son and girlfriend can figure it out. Not really sure what you are anxious about tbh? It doesn’t seem to be about your son and his family but more about your abilities to control
everything.

You probably won’t have to do too much tbh. You’re the dads side and they usually get away without doing a lot if they don’t want to. DS should look after baby with his girlfriend. Maybe offer to babysit every so often but it’s for them to figure out. They’re adults (just).

Thank you for your comments .. anxiety is awful and I am trying to control it … I will offer support and as you say find the balance. I really need to as feeling so low and worried every day is not good for anyone