Struggling with teen sons new unexpected baby

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I am struggling to come to terms with my teen sons GF having a baby - it was unexpected - neither knew she was pregnant … now baby is here 6 weeks - shock has hit me but also I feel so much anxiety over their young lives changing - but mostly for myself I worry about what I am expected to do for them .. I already work full time and support my DD with her young child .. which as paternal grandparent I have done but I am max out mentally and physically - I’m in a state of anxiety every day worrying about what I am going to have to do to help how much I am expected to do - the GF lives at home with her parents and my DS lives at home with me.. they are not ready for a place of their own and financially it’s not possible right now either - but I cannot shake this awful feeling of anxiety - have started counselling and spoke to gp and started meds … just wondered if anyone out there has experienced something similar ? And can share advice on how to navigate this …. Also is it normal for The GF parents to step up more in this situation …..

Sorry but they don't need help with night feeds if your working. There's two of them and they can tag team the baby, they are 18 not super young teens

A separate issue perhaps, but you need to support your daughter to become more independent. It sounds like you have created a rod for your own back here. You’re creating learned helplessness in your DD where she is expecting you to do all the heavy lifting. It’s clear you’re doing too much because you’re having a meltdown about having to do the same again. You’d be better off developing a strategy to get her child’s father to step up by formalizing contact arrangements etc. Your DS sounds like a good egg and this could be the making of him.

Have you spoken to the couple and her parents about what your capacity is? Maybe that’s a good start.

You want to be involved with new grandchild but you are also committed to your existing grandchild. As that child gets over you may have more capacity but also you aren’t getting younger.

A conversation is what’s needed to set boundaries and clarify expectations.

But how long ago was this? The cost of renting is absolutely extortionate now. I also moved out at 19 (not with a baby, I didn't have mine until mid thirties). I rented a one bedroom apartment for 500 pound per month. That same flat now rents for 1200 pound per month. I would honestly argue it is better for them to continue as they are for a while rather than push them and their child into poverty. That does not, however, mean I am advocating for the grandparents also having to act as parents. But if it were my child I would be firm on boundaries but would also want them all to have a safe place to live.

I am single and my sons dad is about I have spoken to him about him stepping in to help our son and explained how I feel just now. He has thankfully said he recognises what I do for my DD and he is willing to take on more for his son to help …I have said he needs to and not just say he will. My DS gets on great with his dad so I am so hopeful he does step up. I’ve tried to explain to him how stressed I am and that I am taking steps to get professional help so I can function and also support … we do get on so I do hope he is being honest and truly helps

That’s not going to happen is it? No landlord will rent to a teenage couple with a baby on benefits/minimum wage.

We all know what will happen: girl claims to be single and tells council her mum has kicked her out. She goes in a B&B for a while and if she’s lucky will get a nice new 2 bed newbuild on an estate. Boyfriend moves in on the QT.

Sit your son down now and explain your feelings. I think you are on edge as 1) you feel
your son might expect the same as your daughter. 2) you feel guilty that you might not be able to do the same with your sons child.

Explain you help your daughter more due to the situation. But also reassess this, is it too much? She’s also an adult and if you need to reduce a pick up from school for example this might also be needed.

OP can you reduce your working hours slightly, not for childcare but for yourself. I find having even an afternoon makes a difference when you can clean the house for an hour, prep some dinner and then just sit with a hot drink and a book or go for a run for an hour. What ever helps you mentally.

Have they actually asked you to do anything?

It sounds like the shock of the surprise baby has shook you and got you worried that you will have to coparent another child but this new baby has 2 parents and active grandparents on the other side. It seems like your worries are out of proportion with the actual facts of the situation.

Take a look at some of the threads from paternal grandmothers on Mumsnet there's a lot of worry that Mum's Mum sees the children much more often and Mums of Dads feel like they don't get a look in. The expectation that you would have to raise this baby to the degree you have with your daughter's child would be quite unusual.

Of course as young parents they'll need support but it's not all on you.

@Imgoingoutforawhile "You said you already support your daughter with her child so why would you not do the same for your son?"

Are you for real? The OP is 60 for fuck sake. She works full time and is already bringing up her daughter's baby. She isn't just "supporting" as in helping financially or doing the odd bit of babysitting. Do you honestly expect someone of 60 (even if they weren't working full time) to bring up two young babies? She didn't force her children to have these babies.

This is why women are run into the ground, look at the high expectations on here on the thread of poor OP, she 'must' do this or 'must' do that apparently

OP's anxiety is created by way of knowing that there are these unsaid expectations and judgement that she must now tear herself into 100 parts to meet everyone elses needs.

She doesnt have to do anything she cant do, she's run into the ground by the sounds of it

OP I think you need to work out with your daughter a way to pull back to protect your own sanity, less tasks and chores and responsbilities and pulling away from being the second parent for her child as much as you can

Otherwise you'll be fit for nothing.

Not the same because I knew I was pregnant but I had my DD when I was 19. When we told my mum, she went into a state of shock for quite a while and I would say she was definitely very anxious. She was besotted from the moment she arrived though. DH (boyfriend at the time) was 21 so we were adults but both at uni and couldn’t afford to move out. He moved in with us and my mum looked after DD whilst I went back to uni and then work. We were lucky that she already didn’t work so could support us in this way.

It’s perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed by it. It’s come as a massive shock but you need to try and bond with the baby and be a grandparent.

I think I do need to do this .. I did say when I first met the parents and they do know I help my DD out … I did say I do have these current commitments to my DD but I would do what I could also . my DD is also helping the sons GF with hints and tips and listening to her etc she’s also encouraging her to register for mummy and baby groups to meet new mummy friends to help with isolation and on her non working days she offers to pick gf up and go coffee etc .. she also offered to go to the groups with her to help her meet new mums and get herself into a routine. My DD is an amazing mum ..she just needs help with childcare to allow her to work and stand on her own 2 feet for her and her child’s future .. I help because I could it was all fine until this baby arrived. We didn’t get months to prepare because no one knew she was pregnant so we now in the situation and I am just panicking over what I can actually do and what is expected

Your story brings a comfort .. I can’t have them move in with me and he can’t move in with her .. but they are working out what works in that every day after work he is there for gf and baby and at the weekends ….i worry the gf doesn’t seem to be too bonded to the baby .. maybe it’s the shock …my DD was also besotted with her baby … but that’s another concern that the GF seems a bit detached .. she seems more interested in sleeping when she visits .. I know first weeks are the hardest but bonding is also key … maybe I’m just worrying over nothing and when she comes here she is maybe glad of the scenery change so enjoys a rest …..

My advice would be to say nothing.

So far you have had advice to "if you won't babysit tell them now" and opposite advice "ask them what help they need". It sounds like you have already told them "support means help but not doing it for you" - which doesn't really ring true with everything you do for your other grandchild so a bit rich to say.

Their baby is 6 weeks old and everyone is in a spin. What you say now will be remembered and set the tone for your relationship. Say nothing. Be warm and loving when you see them. That is it for now.

At some point they are likely to ask for help. Perhaps if the baby's mum returns to work and they ask you if you can cover a day or when they want to go out for an evening - and you can consider and react at the time. If you can't accommodate then the answer will be sorry I'm not able to do that. This will be coming from the background of a warm and loving Grandparent.

For now let them get on with it. I wouldn't even assume your help is wanted if it isn't asked for. E.g. you have said you help with night feeds when they are at yours. Have they asked for that help. Perhaps they would prefer their privacy in the night.

Most young families will receive universal credit. I believe this pays 80 % of childcare costs for eligible working parents so they might find that useful in the future or mum might stay at home until their child goes to school. Just let them parent their child how they see fit and find their own way. Be a loving Gran, nothing more. With help if you can you can, if you can't you can't (and they might not want the help anyway).

But the OP is working full time and is already bringing up her daughter's baby. When you say "be a grandparent" do you think she should bring up her son's baby as well? So basically she should work full time whilst bringing up 2 babies at the age of 60? No shit she's overwhelmed.

Thank you … stepping back and waiting may be a good plan … see what actually happens …. My counselling may help me with this and stop my mind running ahead which does cause panick and worry …. Trying to remain calm and positive

I am taken aback by the casual way teens expect their parents to look after the babies they decided to have.

I don’t get it either became a mum at 16 and my mum wouldn’t even let me live with her post baby.
This was only 8 years ago but she’s old school.
Mind you it’s not just teens expecting grandparents to do everything every where I look I see exhausted grandmas doing absolutely everything. Let the grannies rest!!

Think your son and his girlfriend need to step up not you, I would also look at reducing the amount you help with your other grandchild if you are struggling.

It's unbelievable isn't it. And they'll be the first to go "no contact" with granny when she needs support in her old age.

So am I.
OP is doing far too much for her DD...aside from nursery pickups and full days babysitting, there's also "helping with days out at the weekends" all while working full time.
And then seeming to begrudge her son and his girlfriend even basic support.
It's a bit rich OP to be fretting about your son maybe asking for help...and saying there's helping and there's taking over....while seeming to have taken over the vast majority of heavy lifting for your daughter.
Yes, I get that she's a single parent, but so was I, so are many others, and it doesn't automatically make her helpless.
Perhaps you should be encouraging your daughter to be a little more independent rather than worrying that your son may need some help in the future.

Perhaps they can buddy up and be supports for each other.

I think you're letting your anxiety take over and it isn't necessary.
There are two parents. Presumably mum is not working or studying right now, ds is doing his share of the night feeds etc and is also working full time. Why would they need you to take an active role, that takes up all your time?
Most parents navigate day to day life with a baby between the two of them. Being 18 doesn't mean ds and his gf aren't capable of doing the same.
If in the future, one or both of them want to increase their earning potential by going to university/ training etc, that's something I'd definitely want to help them achieve. But you can tackle that if or when it happens. In the meantime, just relax and make plans for your daughter ( who is over 25 by now?) to be less reliant on you.

In the kindest way, why are you doing so much for your DD? There are plenty of single parents out there, managing without family help. There’s absolutely no need for you to do so much. You’ve admitted you’re stressed and worn out by it all, so stop!

Gradually reduce what you do for your DD, giving her notice so she can make other arrangements. In the long run, you’re not doing her any favours by making her reliant on you.

You matter too and you should be able to do your job without worrying about your adult DD. You’re also entitled to free time and to choose what you want to do.

As for your DS, my first priority would be making sure there’s not another baby. Then, only offer what you want to do. This might just be occasional babysitting. That’s ok. They’re both adults. They should get themselves on the housing list.

Hi OP, when you said "teenager" I thought your son was 15-16... My parents were both 19 when they had me. Admittedly, another country and it was 1970s... But they were married and were both considered adults. I think you need to help but they need to step up.