Feeling deflated after crappy parenting

[Mumoftwo8519]

like the title says, had a horrible parenting incident on Saturday which have left me feeling like a horrible mum.

For context, my DD is almost four. She’s always been hugely confident and very strong willed. She’s very sociable and makes friends easily. With these traits, I find she can get overstimulated really easily, where she struggles to listen and can become oblivious to her behaviours. But she’s also incredibly empathetic and kind hearted - shes very helpful, and can’t bear to see anyone upset and will be the first to cuddle and comfort them. Preschool have said she’s very emotionally intelligent. She has always been the best and most developed talker in nursery and preschool for her age group.

The incident happened on Saturday. We were staying with my old school friend, our daughters are 5months apart (hers 4 mine almost 4). We don’t see them a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but my DD is obsessed with her daughter and talks about her most weeks! We had planned a Christmassy day out on Saturday at an attraction and all had a great morning. In the afternoon my friend had got us tickets to her local village hall Christmas party, I assumed there would be lots of her daughters school friends there but this didn’t bother me as my daughter will happily play with anyone. As soon as we got there my DD was super excited and holding hands with her friend running around. It didn’t take long for my friends daughter to spot her friends and started playing with them. My daughter was trying to play with her friend and hold her hand but my friends daughter was then shrugging her off and playing with other friends. My DD then went into complete meltdown because her friend wouldn’t play with her. Cue this triggering feelings of being left out when I was little so I felt so sad for her.
She was sat on her own crying on the side. I wouldn’t expect my friends daughter to understand that leaving my daughter out and not involving her in play would be upsetting. My daughter was then trying to grab her hand and play with her, at which point my friends daughter ran to her mum (my friend) to say my daughter was trying to pull her around. My friend sat her daughter on her lap cuddled her and asked her to play nicely. I said to her daughter that my daughter was excited to play with her that’s all and could she play with my DD as well as her friends.
My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)
It was heartbreaking to see her so upset. I said to my friend i think she’s upset because her daughter was leaving her out and that im surprised it was affecting her so much as usually she will just make a new friend. She replied saying yes it’s really weird her daughter was like this and that her daughter was usually shy.
My daughter continued crying for another 5 minutes and I eventually couldn’t bear it so took her outside to help her calm down. She was hysterical wanting to go back into the party. I practically had to drag her around the corner of the village hall to explain I would be fine with that if she would calm down and stop crying and asked her what was upsetting her so much. Through screaming and crying i explained to my DD that her friend could play with other children but to reassure her that it wasn’t kind for her friend to push her away so they couldn’t all play together.
we eventually went back into the party to exactly the same situation so I got my phone out and for the last hour my daughter was happy just watching cartoons. My friends daughter was then getting upset that my daughter wasn’t wanting to play but obviously I wasn’t letting that happen again so said nothing.

I feel upset my friend didn’t get up to help manage the situation when she could see what was happening, but appreciate she can’t force her child to play with mine. But I feel worse that my daughter was the one who got taken out of the party which probably made her feel like she was the problem.

That evening the girls played fine together on their own, but my friends daughter would cry intermittently when she didn’t get her own way or would ‘tell’ on my daughter for silly things. My friend just blamed this on tiredness and being an only child, but I don’t feel like the only child thing is an excuse because we have plenty of friends whose children are the only child and this sort of thing never happens. (My daughter has an 18m old sister). She also never corrected her daughters behaviour which im acutely aware of as I feel im always overcompensating in these situations and correcting my daughters behaviour.

when I think back to the last time we met up, I ended up taking my daughter outside in hysterics at the pub we were eating at because my daughter went into full on emotional meltdown. She had been playing with her friends toys and her friend was crying and saying my daughter wasn’t sharing (she was, we just didn’t take any toys with her so they only had her toys to play with). My daughter was made to feel like she was the one in the wrong, and got really upset because she thought she had made her friend upset and went into a full meltdown. Obviously i can’t leave a screaming child in a pub so we had to go outside. My friend made no attempt to tell her daughter to share or reassure my daughter.

I won’t be arranging anymore play dates with her as weirdly it’s only this one friend who brings out this side my daughter ( we have lots of play dates with friends whereas my friend doesn’t do play dates) which I absolutely am clueless on how to manage.

can someone help me to switch my thinking up, what am I doing wrong?
How can I help my daughter manage these big emotions?
how could I have handled the Christmas party situation better?

Im also 35 weeks pregnant so feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I find these situations overwhelming to say the least.

Don’t take on two big activities in one day with 4 year olds. They get over stimulated and behave in overwhelmed ways. Otherwise it all sounds like pretty normal 4 year old stuff with plenty of rights and on all sides.

I'm saying this very gently OP because I know it's awful to see your own child upset, but I wonder if you are just overthinking this one a bit. Two little girls, a big day out, lots and lots of distractions and stimulation - someone was going to end up in tears at some point! It certainly doesn't make you guilty of crappy parenting. Neither of the girls were at fault - your DD had a valid reason to feel upset at being left out, but friend's DD can't really be blamed for not taking your daughter's feelings into account, she's only four after all! I'd just chalk this one up to experience and forget about it.

The crux of it is:

• 2 big activities in one day. 1 is more than enough. Always end a playdate on a high! I suspect the day out was hyped up to the children before hand, so they were already on tightropes.
• These are very small children, and your DD is still only 3! Personally, she's behaving like a 3yo and it's doing her a disservice to keep referring to her as "almost 4", because people will expect more from her, which, at that age, isn't fair. If she's 3, call her 3.
• No one did anything wrong here. Obviously the girls do like each other, but perhaps they are destined to be "small doses" friends, as in an hour or two here or there, not all-day events.
• The behaviour from both children was completely normal. Neither parent did anything wrong either.

Personally, I think the best thing to do is forget about it.

Too much going on for one day. And you are actually expecting too much of the other girl too.

Chill out, scale things back a bit.

Just to add not all 4 year olds are happy to share toys. You've mentioned your friends DD crying before cos your DD was playing with her toys. Next time take a bag of your DD toys with you (or have 2 sets of new cheap toys - ie sticker book/colouring books for them to play with) - so no one gets territorial about their own toys 🤷‍♀️ Also all this behaviour you've described sounds like totally normal 3/4 year old behaviour. Sounds like you are overthinking it all. And I agree that 2 big things is too much to plan for one day with such young children.

YANBU for feeling the way you do, I hate seeing my own child left out or upset

If this was my DD I know she would of gotten really really annoyed at someone constantly wanting to hold her hand and pulling on her, you should of probably stepped in and told your DD to stop doing that,

I'd probably meet up one to one again in the future so both the girls can just focus on each other and not get distracted by other children

Agreed.

You are expecting a lot of both of them, and not so subtly casting aspersions on your friend's parenting and her daughter's behaviour. Her daughter sounds perfectly normal for her age, so her mother's behaviour is perfectly reasonable.

You should have stepped in to deflect your daughter when she kept trying to pull the other girl away, and head the tantrum off at the pass.

Op this is War and Peace over typical 4 year old ‘friendship’ issues.

Your daughter is fine, please don’t start mithering her with needless introspection. It’s you I’m worried about, ‘It was heartbreaking to see her so upset’ is just so over the top that it sounds like you have problems controlling your own emotions tbh

Children need their parents to be strong, calm and assertive so they in turn can model this. If you’re always upset over her upsets it’ll become a cycle of upset.

Honestly, it’s just one of those things. It sounds like a lot in a day and just some big feelings going on. In future I might just head home when you start to lose control of the situation a bit and the tears start, as it’s often a sign that your child has had enough anyway. Leave on a high!

At this age, they often aren’t aware or capable of the nuanced kind of friendships that older children are, such as being emotionally aware enough to know what other children are feeling. And they don’t really understand that they have to play with this friend and not the other friends that are there, etc. It’s just young children things and not really worth fretting over.

Don’t overthink it. A 3 and 4 year old got tired and over stimulated. Your friend didn’t do anything wrong and nor did the children.
Next time plan less things to do in a day.
Take toys to the pub.
Don’t take things personally on your DD’s behalf.

And yes I agree that my younger DD (3.5) finds people physically pulling her hand and trying to lead her places (especially if it’s somewhere she doesn’t want to go) very annoying, so she would definitely react quite strongly I think and want to get away. Whereas DD1 is quite tactile and this wouldn’t have bothered her much at that age at all. I still have to remind her about physical boundaries now sometimes.

It’s just part of the process of figuring out friendships, boundaries, social stuff, how to be with different friends, and it’s hard, but it’s important that it happens.

Honestly it just sounds like a long, overwhelming and over stimulating day for two very little kiddies. It sounds like you handled the situation at the party just fine. Your friend perhaps could have done more but it is hard to know when to intervene in their friendships. Probably by the time you all got home they had both just had enough of each other and were overtired so I probably would have called it a day after the party. Nothing to beat yourself up about.

It was a long, tiring day for them. As PPs have said, two activities, as well as playing afterwards, is too much.

You are being quite judgey about your friend's parenting, and the fact her DD is an "only child". Whilst not really looking at your own actions or child in the same light.

This will happen many many many more times.

My eldest is now 15 and friendship issues still exists - Beth looked at Sarah's boyfriend funny, so Izzy took Beth's side, so Sarah now won't talk to Tabitha for reasons not comprehended... My head feels like exploding at some of the stories I get told.

And never criticize the current enemy - as they'll be BFF's the next day. Friendships are complicated things. Even as adults they can be tricky - as half the posts on Mumsnet prove!

In the nicest way, just help your little one through the roller coaster so by the time they are teens they stand half a chance negotiating life - with added hormones!

Honestly this is such a small thing, you are definitely not a bad parent but I assume she’s your eldest so everything can feel so overwhelming and we worry about the smallest things.
However- children do pick up on things and if you say you found it hard to hide your emotions she probably saw this and in her three year old mind (because I don’t care how emotionally intelligent you think she is, she is still three) thought that her reasons were valid and you weren’t doing enough.
I was bullied growing up and hate to think of that happening to mine, but you also have to step back and not make out everything is a very serious issue when it sounds like normal 3-4 year old behaviour. Shifting blame on to other parents for not controlling behaviour of their own that you deem unacceptable (but is quite normal) is a quick way to start losing friends. If you’d been grabbing my hand and pulling me around even at my adult age I would have been annoyed.

Jeez chill out a bit. Honestly if you're going to over analyse every normal childhood situation where your child isn't 100% happy, you're going to have a tough time of parenthood.
Just leave them to it and it usually sorts itself out. Helicoptering at its finest.

Thought you said she was emotionally mature she sounds a bit spoiled to be fair and prone to tantrum if she doesn’t get her own way 🤷🏼‍♀️

and for you to say your friend should have managed it better, WTF, it wasn’t her kid having theissue it was yours

Preschool have said she’s very emotionally intelligent. She has always been the best and most developed talker in nursery and preschool for her age group.

She's three, OP. Kindly, your child is just as special and lovely as everybody else's.

If my four year old had been dragged around by the hand away from her friends, she'd have been massively irritated too. Why should her mum try to adapt her daughter's behaviour when your daughter was doing that?

I had a similar situation when my child was invited to my good friend’s child’s party. They usually play pretty well together however her child’s new school friends were there so he only wanted to play with them and wasn’t inclusive. So mine didn’t know anyone else and was a little miffed but warmed up. Wasn’t offended at all as just one of those things! No one’s fault and can’t expect small children to be super empathetic.

OP it sounds like your DD was been a bit uncomfortably focused on the other girl. My niece had a girl in her class who was a bit obsessed with her at 4 that way and it became really distressing. The girl's parents kept trying to arrange playdates and in school the girl would become difficult if she played with others just like you describe.
The good news is that a year on everything has smoothed over and they're part of the same group of friends.

I completely understand why the other mum wanted her dd to have her space respected and maybe your dd's behaviour was more annoying than you realised. It's not serious though - it shall pass.

Like everyone else has said, this behaviour is very typical for their age! You did nothing wrong. You are not a bad mum. And neither is your friend. Your friend probably didn’t step in further to correct any behaviour because both girls behaved how typical 3 and 4 year olds do!

Play dates work best in small doses, I find. One activity like going to the park or soft play and then schedule some time afterwards to just be home and relaxing together to decompress. Think they just got tired!

I have 3 now adult DDs. My rule was that I kept out of their friend squabbles but was just there to reinforce that we loved them and dole out a cuddle when the going got tough. Girls and their friendships are a total minefield!- wait till the teens!!

I think you need a bit of a reality check to be honest. The whole ‘my child is super advanced and they’re just not as good a parent as I am’ narrative actually just makes you sound very inexperienced. You’re putting both yourself and your daughter on a massive pedestal and then can’t handle it when a minor event shakes that pedestal. Do yourself a favour and realise you’re both just normal people, and that’s okay OP!!

I only read first bit but struck me that you dd seems a bit ott wanting to hold hands constantly with friend.

Honestly I'm not sure what you friend could have done.

She couldn't force her daughter to play with yours.

If your daughter makes friends so easily it's a shame that she couldn't just join the group rather than monopolise the friend that she is obsessed with.

It was probably pretty obvious that this would happen though.

By the evening it sounds as if the other girl had just had enough of your daughter.

She isn't bringing out any "side" of your daughter.

It's not her fault your daughter is "obsessed"!