Feeling deflated after crappy parenting

[Mumoftwo8519]

like the title says, had a horrible parenting incident on Saturday which have left me feeling like a horrible mum.

For context, my DD is almost four. She’s always been hugely confident and very strong willed. She’s very sociable and makes friends easily. With these traits, I find she can get overstimulated really easily, where she struggles to listen and can become oblivious to her behaviours. But she’s also incredibly empathetic and kind hearted - shes very helpful, and can’t bear to see anyone upset and will be the first to cuddle and comfort them. Preschool have said she’s very emotionally intelligent. She has always been the best and most developed talker in nursery and preschool for her age group.

The incident happened on Saturday. We were staying with my old school friend, our daughters are 5months apart (hers 4 mine almost 4). We don’t see them a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but my DD is obsessed with her daughter and talks about her most weeks! We had planned a Christmassy day out on Saturday at an attraction and all had a great morning. In the afternoon my friend had got us tickets to her local village hall Christmas party, I assumed there would be lots of her daughters school friends there but this didn’t bother me as my daughter will happily play with anyone. As soon as we got there my DD was super excited and holding hands with her friend running around. It didn’t take long for my friends daughter to spot her friends and started playing with them. My daughter was trying to play with her friend and hold her hand but my friends daughter was then shrugging her off and playing with other friends. My DD then went into complete meltdown because her friend wouldn’t play with her. Cue this triggering feelings of being left out when I was little so I felt so sad for her.
She was sat on her own crying on the side. I wouldn’t expect my friends daughter to understand that leaving my daughter out and not involving her in play would be upsetting. My daughter was then trying to grab her hand and play with her, at which point my friends daughter ran to her mum (my friend) to say my daughter was trying to pull her around. My friend sat her daughter on her lap cuddled her and asked her to play nicely. I said to her daughter that my daughter was excited to play with her that’s all and could she play with my DD as well as her friends.
My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)
It was heartbreaking to see her so upset. I said to my friend i think she’s upset because her daughter was leaving her out and that im surprised it was affecting her so much as usually she will just make a new friend. She replied saying yes it’s really weird her daughter was like this and that her daughter was usually shy.
My daughter continued crying for another 5 minutes and I eventually couldn’t bear it so took her outside to help her calm down. She was hysterical wanting to go back into the party. I practically had to drag her around the corner of the village hall to explain I would be fine with that if she would calm down and stop crying and asked her what was upsetting her so much. Through screaming and crying i explained to my DD that her friend could play with other children but to reassure her that it wasn’t kind for her friend to push her away so they couldn’t all play together.
we eventually went back into the party to exactly the same situation so I got my phone out and for the last hour my daughter was happy just watching cartoons. My friends daughter was then getting upset that my daughter wasn’t wanting to play but obviously I wasn’t letting that happen again so said nothing.

I feel upset my friend didn’t get up to help manage the situation when she could see what was happening, but appreciate she can’t force her child to play with mine. But I feel worse that my daughter was the one who got taken out of the party which probably made her feel like she was the problem.

That evening the girls played fine together on their own, but my friends daughter would cry intermittently when she didn’t get her own way or would ‘tell’ on my daughter for silly things. My friend just blamed this on tiredness and being an only child, but I don’t feel like the only child thing is an excuse because we have plenty of friends whose children are the only child and this sort of thing never happens. (My daughter has an 18m old sister). She also never corrected her daughters behaviour which im acutely aware of as I feel im always overcompensating in these situations and correcting my daughters behaviour.

when I think back to the last time we met up, I ended up taking my daughter outside in hysterics at the pub we were eating at because my daughter went into full on emotional meltdown. She had been playing with her friends toys and her friend was crying and saying my daughter wasn’t sharing (she was, we just didn’t take any toys with her so they only had her toys to play with). My daughter was made to feel like she was the one in the wrong, and got really upset because she thought she had made her friend upset and went into a full meltdown. Obviously i can’t leave a screaming child in a pub so we had to go outside. My friend made no attempt to tell her daughter to share or reassure my daughter.

I won’t be arranging anymore play dates with her as weirdly it’s only this one friend who brings out this side my daughter ( we have lots of play dates with friends whereas my friend doesn’t do play dates) which I absolutely am clueless on how to manage.

can someone help me to switch my thinking up, what am I doing wrong?
How can I help my daughter manage these big emotions?
how could I have handled the Christmas party situation better?

Im also 35 weeks pregnant so feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I find these situations overwhelming to say the least.

They sound like typical 3 and 4 year olds overstimulated at this time of year. You are projecting some issues from your childhood to your daughter sometimes you just have to let kids be. I would say your daughter seemed to have a big reaction to a common incident so perhaps reflect on how you act, as children tend to feed off their parents responses. I wonder if you had a dramatic reaction seeing as your response is no more playdates with that child again....

It’s pretty alarming that you openly say that your daughter kept trying to physically manoeuvre the other girl away from playing with her other friends and then had a meltdown because she didn’t just acquiesce to it all. Please please please teach your child about bodily autonomy and when someone says no she needs to back off. It is never too early to teach your child that.

The rest of it is a whole load of fuss about nothing.

Nor is the OP. They had already done an activity together, and there is nothing to say that the OP's daughter couldn't have joined in with them.

What the OP's daughter needed was distracting before it got to this stage, by mum playing with her or taking her for a snack. If it continued, then sitting by her while she tantrumned saying "I'm sorry you're feeling sad, let me know when you're ready to play" etc.

The pub example is wild, OP child kicks off because younger child thinks she's not sharing her own toys with her (cause op forgot to bring any) and this is the other child's fault too?

I'm not seeing any examples of the huge emotional maturity discussed by the OP.

This!

and with kindness you are analysing way too much - they are too young to know the impact on feelings

don’t jeopardise your friendship - it was your child having problems both times

this in no way makes you a bad mum

I’m not sure you’ve done anything to blame yourself for? You showed tolerance, empathy, and a calm willing to explain. I think you handled it well.

It’s was just too much for them and they got over stimulated and over whelmed.

don’t over think it. They are just being 4 years old.

Maybe you could have stepped in earlier to help your child either integrate with her friends group or find others to play with? The right time would have been when you could see her continually trying to grab someone’s hand when they clearly don’t want to hold hands anymore.

This.

I feel your pain.
Mine struggled to play especially when overstimulated and my ex best friends daughter told on her and told her off a lot whenever she didn’t do as she wanted. Scale it back.
4 year olds struggle to play and struggle to regulate.

I’m not saying yours is but my daughter was diagnosed at 18 at ASC. School didn’t consider it a problem - why would they straight level 9 and A* for A level. But socially mine had friends and also struggled and she is ASC

Honestly couldn’t even finish reading the post. Sounds like you planned way too much stuff in one day and kids will be kids. Take a deep breath and move on.

I don't see any crappy parenting here. You mention your own childhood and I think that is probably heightening your emotional response to this. Highly recommend books by Laura Markham to help move through this. This is normal behaviour for 3 and 4 year olds. High drama. Breathe through it. Don't take it personally. Don't take it personally if she doesn't want you there when upset we all need space sometimes when we're upset and sometimes we need a hug. Be led by her when she's upset. Sometimes I would imagine all the emotions coming out of my child bouncing over me and out the other side so they weren't affecting my own emotional state.

Am actually quite scared for you - just wait till your DD starts school!

I think the OP is asking for advice, but the post seems far more about blaming the friend's parenting.

Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??

Gently, OP, I recognise that feeling from when I was a young child. It can often be that even if our parent is loving and means well, if they can't offer stability and a sense of proportion for these 'negative events', then a child doesn't feel 'safe' going to them with the issue - they might know that the parent will make the problem bigger, or about them, or not be able to offer them the calm they need in that moment so the child can eventually reflect it back.

If as PPs have suggested you can give her a space to feel her feelings, then offer distraction and/or tools to help her (roleplaying situations she might find overwhelming), she may come to you more easily in these difficult events.

But 3s and 4s are never plain sailing! Good luck, OP x

Honestly don’t overthink lt. sounds like perfectly normal over wrought pre schoolers drama

Your 3 year old behaved like a 3 year old and you're annoyed that your friend left it to you to manage rather than pander to her.
You're not concerned about your crappy parenting, you think your friend's parenting was crappy.

Play dates for 3 and 4 year olds are best limited to a couple of hours so everyone can leave still wanting more. A whole day expecting 2 kids this age to get on is setting them up for failure.

Everything you described was perfectly normal given the circumstances of the day.

None of the children behaved great, but none where that bad. It's understandable that they both had moments, it was a long day for them. Your post sounds quite judgemental of your friends parenting. Is that who you refer to in the title when you say crappy parenting? I don't think any of you have been chappy parents, you've just both handled things differently. Maybe she is of the opinion you don't pander to children and get too involved in their friendships and respect that they won't always want to play and share with other children.

I honestly wouldn't be rewarding the melt down going forward, I would just up and leave.
All this bending out of shape for over stimulated children.
Its too much.
I would avoid this child going forward as they don't mix well, it happens.

Help her learn to regulate her big feelings by removing her from the situation.

Behaviour like that should be sympathetically responded to with " oh you must be tired pet, we will head home".
And leave.
They won't be long learning that hysteria isn't rewarded.
Tiredness and over stimulation is not a good mix for small children.
One outing a day max, 2 hours long for children who are susceptible to being overwrought.

Its all a learning curve.

It’s not clear whose parenting your title is referring to, I thought you meant your own but in your OP it’s clear you think you did your best to manage the situation but your friend didn’t do enough. Did you mean your parenting or hers?

I had a friend whose child was poor at respecting boundaries. At your DDs age it was cute and nice when he wanted to hold everyone’s hand and give them a hug. It started to become a problem once he was in school and other children would have to become physical to remove him from their space. Including my child, hence why we are no longer friends. Not because of what happened between our children but the way she fully blamed my son for trying to set boundaries and could not see that her child getting in his face was the catalyst.
It really does sound like the other child was a bit fed up and your dd struggled to regulate her emotions about this. Which is fine and normal but you do need to start laying the groundwork around boundaries now.

Gently your DD was over tired, it's not for your friend to intervene or force her daughter to do anything.

Playdates are fine just don't pack too much into a day as clearly it was too much for her.

December is very easily overwhelming for 3/4/5/6 year olds. Accept it for what it was both children a bit over tired and handling it in different ways.

I also read it as her referring to her own parenting but then as I read through the post it was clear the OP thinks her friend's parenting is crappy.

It wasn't. It's up to you to manage your own DD. You should have taken your daughter home when she became overwhelmed.
Two big activities on one day is too much for 3 and 4 year olds.
Your daughter is 3, not 4. It's normal behaviour for a 3 year old. When they become overstimulated and/or overtired they start acting up and it can head into tears and screaming very quickly.

Also the pub example - the other mum had brought her kid's toys. Of course the other child was territorial of them. You can't blame the other kid or their parent for your deficiency.

Extrapolate to an adult situation. You and your friend are having coffee. She takes her phone, you don't bring yours. She wants to scroll mumsnet while drinking coffee. So do you. Would you expect to take turns using her phone? Would she feel comfortable passing it backwards and forwards, or you both craining your necks and each tapping and scrolling as you personally each feel like.

Wouldn’t think too much about it. It’s four year old girls behaving like 4 year old girls.

Sometimes play dates are embarrassing due to our kids behaviour. Sometimes they behave brilliantly in restaurants and sometimes they don’t.

Wait till she starts school. One day Emily will be her best friend. The next day she’ll hate Emily.

All part of their development. Don’t make it out to be bigger than it is.

There is no problem here, your dd was very likely overwhelmed and tired, that’s all. I wouldn’t not see the friends again.