Feeling deflated after crappy parenting

[Mumoftwo8519]

like the title says, had a horrible parenting incident on Saturday which have left me feeling like a horrible mum.

For context, my DD is almost four. She’s always been hugely confident and very strong willed. She’s very sociable and makes friends easily. With these traits, I find she can get overstimulated really easily, where she struggles to listen and can become oblivious to her behaviours. But she’s also incredibly empathetic and kind hearted - shes very helpful, and can’t bear to see anyone upset and will be the first to cuddle and comfort them. Preschool have said she’s very emotionally intelligent. She has always been the best and most developed talker in nursery and preschool for her age group.

The incident happened on Saturday. We were staying with my old school friend, our daughters are 5months apart (hers 4 mine almost 4). We don’t see them a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but my DD is obsessed with her daughter and talks about her most weeks! We had planned a Christmassy day out on Saturday at an attraction and all had a great morning. In the afternoon my friend had got us tickets to her local village hall Christmas party, I assumed there would be lots of her daughters school friends there but this didn’t bother me as my daughter will happily play with anyone. As soon as we got there my DD was super excited and holding hands with her friend running around. It didn’t take long for my friends daughter to spot her friends and started playing with them. My daughter was trying to play with her friend and hold her hand but my friends daughter was then shrugging her off and playing with other friends. My DD then went into complete meltdown because her friend wouldn’t play with her. Cue this triggering feelings of being left out when I was little so I felt so sad for her.
She was sat on her own crying on the side. I wouldn’t expect my friends daughter to understand that leaving my daughter out and not involving her in play would be upsetting. My daughter was then trying to grab her hand and play with her, at which point my friends daughter ran to her mum (my friend) to say my daughter was trying to pull her around. My friend sat her daughter on her lap cuddled her and asked her to play nicely. I said to her daughter that my daughter was excited to play with her that’s all and could she play with my DD as well as her friends.
My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)
It was heartbreaking to see her so upset. I said to my friend i think she’s upset because her daughter was leaving her out and that im surprised it was affecting her so much as usually she will just make a new friend. She replied saying yes it’s really weird her daughter was like this and that her daughter was usually shy.
My daughter continued crying for another 5 minutes and I eventually couldn’t bear it so took her outside to help her calm down. She was hysterical wanting to go back into the party. I practically had to drag her around the corner of the village hall to explain I would be fine with that if she would calm down and stop crying and asked her what was upsetting her so much. Through screaming and crying i explained to my DD that her friend could play with other children but to reassure her that it wasn’t kind for her friend to push her away so they couldn’t all play together.
we eventually went back into the party to exactly the same situation so I got my phone out and for the last hour my daughter was happy just watching cartoons. My friends daughter was then getting upset that my daughter wasn’t wanting to play but obviously I wasn’t letting that happen again so said nothing.

I feel upset my friend didn’t get up to help manage the situation when she could see what was happening, but appreciate she can’t force her child to play with mine. But I feel worse that my daughter was the one who got taken out of the party which probably made her feel like she was the problem.

That evening the girls played fine together on their own, but my friends daughter would cry intermittently when she didn’t get her own way or would ‘tell’ on my daughter for silly things. My friend just blamed this on tiredness and being an only child, but I don’t feel like the only child thing is an excuse because we have plenty of friends whose children are the only child and this sort of thing never happens. (My daughter has an 18m old sister). She also never corrected her daughters behaviour which im acutely aware of as I feel im always overcompensating in these situations and correcting my daughters behaviour.

when I think back to the last time we met up, I ended up taking my daughter outside in hysterics at the pub we were eating at because my daughter went into full on emotional meltdown. She had been playing with her friends toys and her friend was crying and saying my daughter wasn’t sharing (she was, we just didn’t take any toys with her so they only had her toys to play with). My daughter was made to feel like she was the one in the wrong, and got really upset because she thought she had made her friend upset and went into a full meltdown. Obviously i can’t leave a screaming child in a pub so we had to go outside. My friend made no attempt to tell her daughter to share or reassure my daughter.

I won’t be arranging anymore play dates with her as weirdly it’s only this one friend who brings out this side my daughter ( we have lots of play dates with friends whereas my friend doesn’t do play dates) which I absolutely am clueless on how to manage.

can someone help me to switch my thinking up, what am I doing wrong?
How can I help my daughter manage these big emotions?
how could I have handled the Christmas party situation better?

Im also 35 weeks pregnant so feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I find these situations overwhelming to say the least.

At 3 when they have had a big day already and start getting upset you just pick them up and take them home for chill out and dinner- not try to rectify the situation.

I couldn’t be friends with you - far too precious! Kids argue and cry and fall out. It’s par for the course!

Other people's children have tantrums

OP's child has emotionally intelligent, extremely independent meltdowns

It’s a difficult dynamic when your DD was there with her friend, but then friend’s DD also had all her school friends there. It can throw children off who don’t have the emotional intelligence to navigate it. You see this at birthday parties when different groups of friends are all there together and the birthday child can feel overwhelmed.

I don’t think anyone’s done anything wrong here really. It’s very upsetting when your child is first navigating friendship issues and you see them so upset.

I think be careful what kind of invitations you accept from this particular friend in future.

Yo really need to manage your expectations before your DD goes to school otherwise you are going to spend your entire life like this!

Your friends child acted 4 and yours acted 3

You seem to be complaining that small children behave like small children.

All sounds very typical of kids their age, although I do agree it's horrible seeing your own child upset. Next time less disctractions and less to do would help.

This.

Your post was quite exhausting to read. They’re 3 and 4 year olds behaving in a normal way you’d expect them to when they’re tired and fed up.

I feel upset my friend didn’t get up to help manage the situation when she could see what was happening, but appreciate she can’t force her child to play with mine. But I feel worse that my daughter was the one who got taken out of the party which probably made her feel like she was the problem.

Her child shouldn’t be forced to play with yours. It’s nice to be inclusive but at that age they play with who they want.
You need to let go of thinking the mum should have said something. She would have felt like a bad parent if she did.

And your DD wasn’t kicked out because of naughtiness.
You took her out because she was overwhelmed and so gave her some breathing space to calm down - the right thing to do.

I do think you are over thinking and over analysing everything.
They are little kids, they’re going to cry and fall out and do what little kids do - you’re seeing it through an adults eyes too much.

You’re not a bad parent at all and just asking that question proves that.

No one is a perfect parent and kids are not robots so they will never be perfect either.
You’re doing fine!

Some kids are too similar and tend to clash.
I would avoid or reduce the time spend together.
Do not do too many activities in 1 day.
Meet at places like parks where there are no toys to fight over.
At home do things like messy play to keep them busy and fight less.

You need to chill the hell out or reception will kill you. Small children fall out and get pissed off with each other all the time. They’re still learning boundaries and friendship drama stuff is rife with girls who seem to like pairing off more than boys of the same age.

My 6 year old this evening has said she had no-one to play with and was lonely while simultaneously complaining about other kids not respecting her personal space, children hogging the monkey bars at lunchtime (very controversial playground issue) not being allowed to be a blue mermaid in a game and having to be the green one. They are fickle beasts and can often take things very personally and out of all perspective.

I have also found through experience that 2-3 hours is the ideal time for a play date. Even the nicest kids can become horrid to each other much beyond that.

I wouldn't give this situation a second thought after it had happened!

They're navigating social norms at this point and find it hard to contain feelings - its all part of life and learning.

I think OP you are overthinking it.

Storm in a teacup.
Wait until she's a bitchy 14 year old, with bitchy mates

Your child does not sound emotionally mature, she sounds like a 3 year old prone to tantrums when things don’t go her way and also quite controlling. I think you are going to need a large dose of realism before school starts!! Your friend did nothing wrong, her daughter is free to play with who she sees fit.

I mean it's all normal. These are brand new tiny humans learning how to manage life, the world and relationships that are always evolving.

It's fine to have a break from people but I dont think you did any crappy parenting (it is fine to take a screaming child out of a pub or a party). Your child does need to learn to navigate children that she clashes with so avoiding and blaming them completely is a bit much.

However if you know your child is like this PLEASE bring contributions to the playdate. I'm always the other person in this and I avoid THEM because my child is always expected to share wheras they contribute nothing.

Your child is 4. 4 year olds don’t need lots of asking questions and complex reasoning about other people’s behaviour. They need distraction and if it doesn’t work, to be told firmly that if they don’t stop screaming, you will leave. In this case, it was likely your dd was overtired and maybe next time, just take her home and rearrange a one to one play date. Her friend is also 4-seriously, they are not full of empathy at this age. Just normal behaviour.

OP's child is three.

The pub example is wild, OP child kicks off because younger child thinks she's not sharing her own toys with her (cause op forgot to bring any) and this is the other child's fault too?

Yeah this.
The judgement from the OP towards her friends child in the pub example just radiates off the page.

They're 4 years old.

Your friend's daughter did nothing wrong here.

You are expecting waaaaaaayyyyy too much from 4 year olds. Seriously.

OP's child is three.

So your child is three, OP. And your friend's child is four, and is five months older than her. And is clearly already in nursery.

There is a big developmental gap between them. Your child is still having tantrums, and it seems that her child has grown out of them.

So give it six months or so, OP, and your DD will have got to her stage!

Ultimately you need to decide what you want out of these meet-ups and then be a bit more chilled.

If the idea behind them is for your children to enjoy playing together, then I'd stop the meet-ups for a bit because it sounds like the children don't gel very well at the moment. No criticism of either of them or you or your friend, it happens. Some kids just wind each other up.

If the idea is for you and your friend to meet up and the kids are incidental to this, then do whatever you both need to ensure harmony. Put the TV on, throw chocolate at them, let them watch videos on your phone, encourage them to play in separate rooms. I have a friend who brings her three round to my house so we can have a natter and our aim is to ignore the kids as much as possible. We tend to intervene only in the case of physical violence or extreme provocation but always have a lap free for the kids to retreat to if they're overwhelmed. And guess what, it works quite well. We hear the odd shriek and many quarrels, say "should we intervene?" to each other and shrug our shoulders, and throw distractions at the discontented. We don't insist the kids play together and generally they rub along either causing mischief together or doing their own thing.

They’re small children, stop overthinking it, if you’re like this now wait until she’s a teenager, you’ll be a nervous wreck.

You are overthinking this.

It's horrid when a fun event that your child is looking forward to goes wrong but this is just life!

Everything you have described is just normal child development.

it's very normal at such a young age to struggle when you get to a party you have been excited about and your 'friend' actually has lots of other friends - I remember this happening with both my children - they have both grown out of that phase now.

I think you need to take a deep breath and just remember these small incidents are part of a normal childhood.

Do you think the reason this bothers you so much is because you’re embarrassed about what others think about the meltdown?

I wonder if that’s at the heart of it and you might feel better if you just try not to give a toss what anyone thinks.

classic PFB. When you’re on your 3rd, you won’t have the time or the energy to insert yourself into 4 year old squabbles. This is normal 4 year old behaviour.