Feeling deflated after crappy parenting

[Mumoftwo8519]

like the title says, had a horrible parenting incident on Saturday which have left me feeling like a horrible mum.

For context, my DD is almost four. She’s always been hugely confident and very strong willed. She’s very sociable and makes friends easily. With these traits, I find she can get overstimulated really easily, where she struggles to listen and can become oblivious to her behaviours. But she’s also incredibly empathetic and kind hearted - shes very helpful, and can’t bear to see anyone upset and will be the first to cuddle and comfort them. Preschool have said she’s very emotionally intelligent. She has always been the best and most developed talker in nursery and preschool for her age group.

The incident happened on Saturday. We were staying with my old school friend, our daughters are 5months apart (hers 4 mine almost 4). We don’t see them a lot, maybe 3/4 times a year but my DD is obsessed with her daughter and talks about her most weeks! We had planned a Christmassy day out on Saturday at an attraction and all had a great morning. In the afternoon my friend had got us tickets to her local village hall Christmas party, I assumed there would be lots of her daughters school friends there but this didn’t bother me as my daughter will happily play with anyone. As soon as we got there my DD was super excited and holding hands with her friend running around. It didn’t take long for my friends daughter to spot her friends and started playing with them. My daughter was trying to play with her friend and hold her hand but my friends daughter was then shrugging her off and playing with other friends. My DD then went into complete meltdown because her friend wouldn’t play with her. Cue this triggering feelings of being left out when I was little so I felt so sad for her.
She was sat on her own crying on the side. I wouldn’t expect my friends daughter to understand that leaving my daughter out and not involving her in play would be upsetting. My daughter was then trying to grab her hand and play with her, at which point my friends daughter ran to her mum (my friend) to say my daughter was trying to pull her around. My friend sat her daughter on her lap cuddled her and asked her to play nicely. I said to her daughter that my daughter was excited to play with her that’s all and could she play with my DD as well as her friends.
My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)
It was heartbreaking to see her so upset. I said to my friend i think she’s upset because her daughter was leaving her out and that im surprised it was affecting her so much as usually she will just make a new friend. She replied saying yes it’s really weird her daughter was like this and that her daughter was usually shy.
My daughter continued crying for another 5 minutes and I eventually couldn’t bear it so took her outside to help her calm down. She was hysterical wanting to go back into the party. I practically had to drag her around the corner of the village hall to explain I would be fine with that if she would calm down and stop crying and asked her what was upsetting her so much. Through screaming and crying i explained to my DD that her friend could play with other children but to reassure her that it wasn’t kind for her friend to push her away so they couldn’t all play together.
we eventually went back into the party to exactly the same situation so I got my phone out and for the last hour my daughter was happy just watching cartoons. My friends daughter was then getting upset that my daughter wasn’t wanting to play but obviously I wasn’t letting that happen again so said nothing.

I feel upset my friend didn’t get up to help manage the situation when she could see what was happening, but appreciate she can’t force her child to play with mine. But I feel worse that my daughter was the one who got taken out of the party which probably made her feel like she was the problem.

That evening the girls played fine together on their own, but my friends daughter would cry intermittently when she didn’t get her own way or would ‘tell’ on my daughter for silly things. My friend just blamed this on tiredness and being an only child, but I don’t feel like the only child thing is an excuse because we have plenty of friends whose children are the only child and this sort of thing never happens. (My daughter has an 18m old sister). She also never corrected her daughters behaviour which im acutely aware of as I feel im always overcompensating in these situations and correcting my daughters behaviour.

when I think back to the last time we met up, I ended up taking my daughter outside in hysterics at the pub we were eating at because my daughter went into full on emotional meltdown. She had been playing with her friends toys and her friend was crying and saying my daughter wasn’t sharing (she was, we just didn’t take any toys with her so they only had her toys to play with). My daughter was made to feel like she was the one in the wrong, and got really upset because she thought she had made her friend upset and went into a full meltdown. Obviously i can’t leave a screaming child in a pub so we had to go outside. My friend made no attempt to tell her daughter to share or reassure my daughter.

I won’t be arranging anymore play dates with her as weirdly it’s only this one friend who brings out this side my daughter ( we have lots of play dates with friends whereas my friend doesn’t do play dates) which I absolutely am clueless on how to manage.

can someone help me to switch my thinking up, what am I doing wrong?
How can I help my daughter manage these big emotions?
how could I have handled the Christmas party situation better?

Im also 35 weeks pregnant so feeling extra sensitive at the moment, I find these situations overwhelming to say the least.

That was a busy day for 4yo and hard to take a 4yo to an event where the other 4yo would have other friends there to play with

Completely agree with this

Your dd was very focused on the girl and that is a lot of pressure and difficult for a 4 year old to manage those social dynamics and introduce her friendship groups - think about how weird adult hen dos are when you have a weird joining of different friend groups.

Your friend did encourage her dd to play nicely but she can’t force them to play and it’s also good she supported her dd to have her own boundaries and bodily autonomy. It’s important girls learn that they don’t owe people attention or to physical touch (holding hands in this case) though obviously that’s hard for dd too.

perhaps one of you could have joined and help smooth the introduction/ transition over and I think if the friends daughter had asked dd to play again I would’ve asked dd if she’d like to, rather than leaving her on your phone. I’d work with dd on respecting some boundaries a bit and encourage her to not have this friend on a pedestal which it sounds like she does.
maybe you could invite the friend to your house when dd has other friends over.
I honestly don’t think either of you did too badly though it’s just kids learning social skills

Perhaps your friend’s daughter has finally gotten fed up with being domineered over by your daughter. It’s neither of their faults….theyre both tiny, but you could have nipped the obsession and domineering behaviour in the bud sooner.

Tbh from your post I get that your DD wanted to hold her friends hand but the other mum could have written “her DD wouldn’t give my DD any space, kept grabbing her and tried to dominate her attention” iyswim. I’d find that pretty frustrating to watch as a parent as well.

Little kids are still learning perhaps you could have helped your little girl to join in whilst giving her friend some space?

I agree with others: you are overthinking. No one did anything wrong. This is how it is for little kids. It's hard, but they will get through it and grow up.

It sounds like you have got the right idea in future of limiting it to one activity per day. See how the kids get on if they are together for shorter periods. If the issues continue then you might need to put the girls' friendship on pause - you say this is the only child who brings out this side of your daughter - but that wouldn't have to be anyone's fault.

I think you’re overthinking the whole thing completely. They’re 3/4, it’s nearly Christmas so excitement levels are high, lots of external stimulation, 2 activities in one day… recipe for disaster really! Just forget about it and move on.
FWIW we once went to stay with friends when our respective daughters were similarly aged and it was also very very hard work. Their daughter screamed when mine touched her toys etc. 9 years on they’re good friends (albeit we live quite far apart) and it didn’t occur to any of us to keep them away from each other because of a bad weekend!

These are pretty high expectations for two little girls.

I said to her daughter that my daughter was excited to play with her that’s all and could she play with my DD as well as her friends.

I think you'd have been better coaching your DD. Neither of you can control the friend's behaviour, but you can control your own. You could have sat with your DD and asked what was going on for her, what was she feeling? What story was she telling herself about the situation and her feelings? You could then help her navigate the situation.

My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)

I think she was struggling with a new, and fairly complex, social situation. I'm guessing she felt huge rejection and was experiencing feelings of shame.

Very similar to what others have said, but I think too much in one day is definitely part of the problem. I also generally think mixing friends nearly always causes heartache. I generally avoid it but my dd had a birthday party and invited her non-school best friend, which left her school best friend in tears because she wanted to play with her. Same ages as your dd and friend, so tricky to manage and cemented my ‘no mixing school / non-school friends’ rule! Perhaps one for you to consider next time too.

You've not parented badly and the situation is very typical of children this age. I wouldn't stop play dates if the girls like each other, maybe just have shorter meet-ups, just the two of them.

Pretty normal for kids to get overwhelmed and overstimulated at this age. Try not to project your own emotions onto her, she’ll have probably forgotten all about it tomorrow.

You do need to start talking to her about personal space though. If she is repeatedly grabbing another child’s hand and trying to pull them away from what they’re doing then you should be intervening as it’s not fair on the other child and she needs to be learning to respect the boundaries of others. If the other child doesn’t want to play then that’s their choice. You should be teaching her not to grab others and gently redirecting her elsewhere eg playing a game with her yourself instead of expecting the other parent to try and force their child to play. Teach her that she has the right to say no to other children but equally they have the right to say no to her.

when I think back to the last time we met up, I ended up taking my daughter outside in hysterics at the pub we were eating at because my daughter went into full on emotional meltdown. She had been playing with her friends toys and her friend was crying and saying my daughter wasn’t sharing (she was, we just didn’t take any toys with her so they only had her toys to play with). My daughter was made to feel like she was the one in the wrong, and got really upset because she thought she had made her friend upset and went into a full meltdown. Obviously i can’t leave a screaming child in a pub so we had to go outside. My friend made no attempt to tell her daughter to share or reassure my daughter.

Even here, you are blaming the other little girl for your DD's behaviour. They were both three. You didn't take any toys to the pub. Perhaps the other little girl didn't perceive your DD to be as blameless as you do. But it's your child who had the "full meltdown", not her.

My daughter was still inconsolable and literally wouldn’t go near me. (Why does she go extremely independent in these situations and see me as the bad one when all im trying to do is console her??)

Because she was having a tantrum. Although you seem to think it's far more complicated than that.

I won’t be arranging anymore play dates with her as weirdly it’s only this one friend who brings out this side my daughter ( we have lots of play dates with friends whereas my friend doesn’t do play dates) which I absolutely am clueless on how to manage.

You need to be the grown up here, not just blame another child for your child's behaviour all the time.

Your expectations for both kids are too high. This is normal kid behaviour whilst they’re learning how to socialise. From the other parent’s perspective I also would not try to make my kid adjust themselves to your daughter. The kid is allowed to have boundaries and not want to be pulled/taken away from her friends or be forced to share her toys.

Cue this triggering feelings of being left out when I was little so I felt so sad for her.

I say this kindly but you’ve got to try really really hard not to put your own feelings and memories onto situations like this between two incredibly young children. They are very young, they are finding their way and you need to be careful about attributing adult emotions and memories to a fairly run of the mill situation between two four year olds. It’s not your daughters fault, it’s not your friends daughters fault. Chalk it up to kids being (young) kids and try and move on. I’m saying all of this with a kind voice but it’s really important you don’t add additional emotional weight to this situation that isn’t needed.

YANBU to feel this way but your expectations for both children are too high. I don't think either child did anything wrong.

I think they are both different children who approach friendships and play differently.
I get the impression your daughter can be quite dominant and is more of a leader than a follower so this obviously frustrates her when things dont go as she's would like .
I think at 3/4 it's perfectly normal to behave as both children have ,if your daughter continues to display these meltdowns as she gets older you may want to look into other causes .

@Mumoftwo8519 you are pregnant and hormonal. I get it. When I was late stage pregnant with my third, I was in floods of tears over Balamory. I forget why.

All the angst is way over the top. It happened. Move on. Nobody was at fault, nobody should have parented better or differently. And both children seem perfectly normal.

Christ almighty what a huge amount of fuss over nothing.

This is all really normal. They are so young. I have a 6 year old and it’s still tricky if she meets up with friends from different groups at the same time. I think you have to be really firm in telling your daughter that it’s ok for her friend to play with other children and that she can’t try to hold her hand or pull her away all the time. If she has a meltdown I’d just pick her up and take her away to cry as it is expecting to much for the other girl, who is only 4, to deal with it.

This is overstimulated, tired kids just being kids.
You are way over thinking this and way too invested in the social dynamics of 3 and 4 year olds.
You don't need to not ever go on a playdate with them again, the kids won't even remember all this by January.

The only concerning thing about this situation is the extent to which you have overanalysed it. Oh and the para in which you describe your daughter… Three year olds are just…three year olds. I know you like your one but still…

Here’s how I would describe this day out the my DH or a friend “yeah I reckon we sort of over egged it, everyone cried, won’t be doing it again in a hurry”. That’s all.

I hear everything that's being said about 4yo but your DF is not setting behavioural expectations is she? I was annoyed with how shebabied her daughter rather than be honest and say... has come to see you and she's upset you're not playing with her so let her play with you and your friends please.

I agree with you not to set up another play date.

My motto is - it can get a great day out or a difficult and it always ends in tears at this age.

They could end up being brilliant friends, and they’d be deprived of that opportunity because of one bad weekend when they were pre school age! As an adult, I find it really lovely that my (now older) children are good friends with my friends’ children despite not seeing them often, and that we can all have nice weekends together, despite the fact that it may have sometimes been difficult when they were little!

Would it be easier to meet up and go for a walk together with no other children or invite her to your home ?

Yeah I think you’re a lot to blame here OP.

The pub example, you didn’t take anything for your child but your friend did, so her child had to share and didn’t want to, as is her right! Your kid had a tantrum, you had to take her out to calm down, that is not your friend or her DDs fault.

The party, when you saw your DD pulling her friend around and interrupting her play, you should have intervened, got up and played sign her yourself until whatever big feeling she was having passed.

If I was your friend I’d be a bit pissed off at you allowing your kid to go on like that and show us up at our village party.