DD and dancing

[Wellifyouresurebetterbegryffindor]

DD is 10 and has been doing dance as a hobby since she was 6. She used to love it but as she's gotten older she has thinks she is one of the poorer dancers in the class. This is because she always gets the lowest marks on her exams and receives a lot of (kind) help from the teacher.

She feels this is embarrassing wants to stop dancing because of this. I have had a chat with her and she said she doesn't like being the worst and that whilst the girls are friendly to her she feels she doesnt have friends there.

I have explained its just fun and she doesnt have to be the best at everything so long as she enjoys it. She is very academically smart and top of her school class so I feel this might be influencing her expectations. She insists she no longer likes dancing.

Should I let her give up? It seems such a shame to give and the dance is such good excersize for her. She's also an only child so I thought she would enjoy doing an activity with other children. I dont want to make her do something she genuinely no longer likes but I do feel sad for her as she used to love it.

If she doesn't enjoy it she won't try in class. And trust me, there's nothing harder than trying to teach a child that has no interest in learning! I'd let her give it up but look at other activities.

Can she join classes where she doesn’t do exams? Choose a style she enjoys and focus on that, or look for an alternative like street or cheerleading which are less disciplined. At 10 they become more self conscious and the difference in natural ability is more evident. What does her teacher say?

Let her give up dance... but she needs to suggest a different hobby to try. Climbing, ice skating, trampolining, rugby, football, tennis... there's lots of sports that girls are just starting at that age.

Or just a different type of dance.

I would say yes, she should give it up, after a reasonable period if notice and as long as she and you have found and agreed on the next thing she is going to try instead.

DD was a very able dancer at a ‘good’ dance school, who danced right up to 18, in competitions etc. Many of the ‘just an activity’ dancers gave up between around 9 and 11/12 - the level of hard work and dedication, as well as the requirement of basic flexibility, ability to pick up a routine etc, ramped up to a point where it just wasn’t fun enough for those dancers any more. A ‘get serious or take those skills into another sport or activity’ point.

Would she enjoy a team sport? Guides / cubs / scouts? Something like tennis? Climbing?

Like you say it’s supposed to be fun but DD isn’t finding it fun.

I don’t understand how this is even a debate?

Surely if/when your children no longer want to participate in an activity, they stop? It’s not like she hasn’t given it a fair crack?

I get this and would also feel like its a shame that she wants to stop.

If she is 10 year old, then presumably heading to secondary school soon where imagine lots of other after school activities will be on offer & be able to mix more with other kids.

Thanks all. She tap, ballet and modern at the minute. They also offer street but she doesn't do that.

Her teacher says she is a good dancer and she is. You can tell when shes dancing with her cousin that she has tutuiton by looking at the way they both move so she is definitely getting something from it.

Ive suggested to her that I ask can she be excused from exams but she insists she doesn't like dance. Im not convinced as she's always dancing about the house. I just don't want her to regret it.

In typical 10 year old style she also doesnt know what else she would like to do 🙄

Would you go to a weekly hobby meeting if you didn't enjoy it?

Hobbies are meant to be fun, relaxing, social. It doesn't sound as though dance is any if those things. Children change a lot between 6 and 10.

Im really just asking for opinions on whether I should encourage her to stick at it for a bit longer as it could be a hump or let her give up. She really did used to love it and always dances at home.

From the comments I think ill ask her to finish the term as we've paid (until Christmas) and we can try and find something else for her to do.

I agree. I never understand parents who insist their children continue an activity they no longer enjoy.

Fair enough to not let them quit after just one bad week.
Fair enough if it’s a team sport to say that they can’t drop out immediately and leave the team in the lurch.

But basically, let them quit what they don’t enjoy.

Is it all those she dislikes or just some? Dd dropped modern around that age as it was physical and she was more petite than the others but kept the ballet and tap going, She can always rejoin later if she misses it.

Sorry I never meant to come across like I was insisting. I'd never do that.

Ultimately, if your daughter likes dancing does it matter if she is a weaker member of the group? Or is this a professional endeavor?

Tap gets complained about the most but she says she no longer likes any of it. They had a show on in July and she loved it so i am surprised. I suppose yes she can always rejoin if she changes her mind.

Why does she have to do something, why do parents need to find things for kids to do why cant they just
be them, doing things is great if a child wants to do something

Not professional at all but I can't get through to her that she doesnt have to be the best if she enjoys it.

Because sitting at home with your old mum and dad every night seems a bit boring? Maybe this is better for her.

I bet something has happened between her and her peers at dance class, but you will likely never get to the bottom of it. I say let her quit, if she really wants to, on the understanding that she is willing to take up a new hobby.

You don’t want her moping around the house feeling sorry for herself, and if her ego has taken a kick, getting out and about will make her feel better about herself.

Fully agree, All children should have an interest that isn't TV, being at home etc. It gets them out socialising and there are many benefits.
However if being 'bad' (not that she is) at dance is affecting her self esteem, that's not good either. It is so hard at that age when it stops being 'fun' and more competitive. I saw the same with swimming.

How many hours does she go a week? My ten year old niece does dancing, I'm not sure which kinds tbh , modern, I think , acro? and something else and she is there all the time. Multiple evenings a week and 4 hours on Saturdays. Would a compromise be to keep the one she likes the most for a few months and see if it's dancing in general or just the sheer volume of it that's getting to her?

Its just 3 hours a week. 2 on a Monday and 1 on a Wednesday.

We have a similar situation with our daughter and gymnastics.. she says she doesn’t want to do it anymore but when she’s there she’s radiating enjoyment.. we talked about what was really happening and actually she loves all of it but can’t do cartwheels or handstands and that makes her feel embarrassed and worse than the others..
I’ve said we will practice together at home and if when she can do a cartwheel and handstand she still wants to quit then she can..
its important for kids to learn resilience and perseverance.. life is going to be hard, they’re going to face challenges.. and I’d argue that if your daughter does well academically and doesn’t face those challenges at school then maybe this is an important learning environment for her..
Encourage her that she doesn’t need to be the best and that you’re proud of her no matter what.. Help her to just see it as fun, exercise and time with friends..
Watch her body language during a lesson- does she enjoy it once she’s there?
I’d also explore whether there’s a particular sticking point getting in the way of her progress (like the cartwheels) and see whether some extra help in that area would help her to enjoy it again. Let the teacher know how she’s been feeling so they can encourage her and support her as necessary.
Ultimately, only you can know the best decision but I think gently pushing our kids out of their comfort zone to help them grow is good parenting.

I’ve been through this. Sort of. Around age 9 my daughter stopped wanting and enjoying ballet and had no interest in taking exams as she didn’t see the point in them. She was really upset when half her class moved up a grade and she was in the half that spend an extra term at a lower level.

However, at the same time she started becoming interested in musical theatre and started taking singing lessons.

So we stopped any formal dance and but she still does a little through musical theatre each week. It felt like saying goodbye to part of her childhood but at the same time was quite empowering for her to have her changing interests supported.