DD and dancing

[Wellifyouresurebetterbegryffindor]

DD is 10 and has been doing dance as a hobby since she was 6. She used to love it but as she's gotten older she has thinks she is one of the poorer dancers in the class. This is because she always gets the lowest marks on her exams and receives a lot of (kind) help from the teacher.

She feels this is embarrassing wants to stop dancing because of this. I have had a chat with her and she said she doesn't like being the worst and that whilst the girls are friendly to her she feels she doesnt have friends there.

I have explained its just fun and she doesnt have to be the best at everything so long as she enjoys it. She is very academically smart and top of her school class so I feel this might be influencing her expectations. She insists she no longer likes dancing.

Should I let her give up? It seems such a shame to give and the dance is such good excersize for her. She's also an only child so I thought she would enjoy doing an activity with other children. I dont want to make her do something she genuinely no longer likes but I do feel sad for her as she used to love it.

I remember having this conversation with DD many years ago when she gave up squad swimming at about 12. She was very middling and it was the age group when commitment upped another notch. DD didnt love swimming enough to put the early mornings in when it was the evident that she was never going to be on the podium. It was a big decision and I did hammer home that there was no going back but the right one, DD had very fulfilling teenage years with other activities.

If she wants to quit - let her quit but I think be clear on the consequences if she does quit.

The other question is whether this is the right dance school for her.

Some dance schools are all about fun and enjoyment.

Some are about exams, and progressing some towards a career, with a lot of focus on quality and practice of basic movement.

Some are about competing, with solos and groups, with some being ‘selected’ and others not.

Many schools do a bit of all 3 but it’s worth thinking about whether the fit of your current school is right for your child. Moving from an ‘exam’ school to a ‘fun’ one, for example, may bring her more of what she loves and less of what she dislikes.

Also really worth thinking about body shape changes at this age - hours in a mirrored room clad in a leotard make young girls extremely aware of how their body is changing and how it compares with others. It can bite both for early and late developers, for the tall and the short. She may feel more comfortable if some adaptation can be made to what she wears in class eg shorts or leggings over her leotard.

Thanks all some really great advice here.

Thank you especially to everyone who has taken the time to understand that this isn't simply about me "insisting" my DD does dance but more about the bigger picture.

This is a REALLY good point. She doesn't compete but girls do get selected to be on the competition team. Also they are quite strict on hair and uniform etc. Maybe this is also stripping the fun a bit.

Dance can be really tricky around puberty when feeling like you can’t control your body the way you want to.
Giving up now doesn’t mean she can’t ever go back to it, she’s had a good few years of technique drummed in by now.

There comes a point where it is NOT fun being the non-selected child in a competition school.

Those who do compete will have more hours dancing, so their progress will be speedier. They have the confidence of ‘being selected’ and have training in ‘stagecraft’ so will present in an increasingly different way. They will spend much more time together so will forge closer friendships. And they will know the teacher better, and she will be more aware of them.

A move to a ‘non competition’ school may be a good idea.

I agree it's wise to have a "cooling off" period before stopping a long- standing activity, and that it would be best to replace it with some other physical activity if she does stop.

Meanwhile, I'd ask whether you and her other role models have any hobbies you enjoy but aren't excellent at?

And also, it's worth exploring why her marks are poorer and/or her dancing weaker. Exam nerves? Aspects of technique which could be improved by replacing tap with a fortnightly 1-2-1 dancing lesson or targeted practice? Difficulty remembering choreography which could be helped by having videos? Or an unusually talented class making her look worse than she actually is?!

I'd let her quit but discuss with her what she might like to do instead. There are a million things she might enjoy more.

I gave up my hobby, which I was reasonably good at, when I was 14 because I wasn't enjoying it any more. I don't regret it, I took up something else completely different instead. I actually took up my original hobby again at uni and still do it now in my 40s. So if she likes dance deep down she might come back to it one day.

It might be worth switching schools. I was your daughter, but switched to a much more chilled school school without exams and actually got good! I think I just didn't understand the teacher

Seconded.

In a competition school there will always be a two tier system and some dancers get to feel a bit worthless because they are not chosen for the competition teams. The other issues are that not only do the competition dancers learn how to really 'perform', they will also probably be doing double the number of classes a week, and will naturally progress faster as a result.

Moving her to a different dance school at this stage would seem worth a go. Maybe ring round one or two local ones that don't do competitions and see if she can do a trial class and see whether she likes it or not. Sometimes a change of teacher (and a different pair of teacher's eyes) can work wonders.

Let her stop. There are so many other ways she could exercise and, who knows, she may actually enjoy some of them.

Speaking as the mum of a young adult who's training in dance (so Im far from opposed to it per sec) 9/10 is the age when a lot give up and the ones that are left are more dedicated, so the standard and pace of teaching both increase quite drastically. So it's about to get much harder and she's not really liking it anyway - not a great combination (and wouldn't be even if she was the best in the class).

I have two DDs who did all kinds of things when they were at primary (swimming, gymnastics, trampolining, Stagecoach). When they went to secondary, they didn't want to do any of it. In Y9 and Y10 (respectively) they both picked up hobbies they now take very seriously -- and for one of my DDs its ballet. She started the second half of Y9 and has now overtaken girls who started when she initially did it when she was 3 (!) ... but she means business and takes it very seriously and is v motivated. I would say let your DD drop it. She will likely find something she wants to do when she is ready.

My DD’s danced. Street/Commercial was their favourite as they got older. They had dropped most of the other styles but still did street at 19! Maybe she would enjoy that more?

Yeah I'd definitely let her quit. I've always said to my kids if they stop enjoying their extra curricular stuff they can stop. Having said that I would rather they do something so I would swap one thing and try something else instead.

One of my kids gave up dance at around that age.

Just a warning, she does actually regret it now as she would quite like to restart but knows she wouldn't be great anymore (lost all flexibility) so won't go back