Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Sounds a bit off to me

Please OP, the pregnant young woman is in care. This means she has paid professionals to support her. Teen pregnancies are hardly unheard of for girls and young women in care, so they will have come across this situation before and are best placed to support her.

The reply was in response to the implication that this might just be a blip, That she might just be From some well to do family who have by some twister fate lost their dear beloved daughter who ended up in an orphanage but is awaiting rescue when the family realise their error 🙄

One in 1 million children do end up in care when single mothers die and there’s no contact with wider family by the way. Highly unlikely that this is the case

This is also your son’s home. I find it absolutely disgusting that you are forcing this woman, who he doesn’t want to have a relationship with, on him on the strength of him having sex with her once and even having ‘serious altercations’ about her. Was that referring to a physical fight?

It's not about the two adults who wanted their jollies and (for one of them) to shrug off all consequences - it's about the child who had no say in the matter of how they came to be born.

So recently a 17 year old friend of my kid's became homeless. He is a minor and has a CP plan, so the LA actually have to have safe housing for him. He attends college and is doing well on his course. The issue was that the LA actually did not have anywhere for him for 9 days. They set up this thing from a homeless charity where they met him at local McDonald's and shopping centres at night to "check on him" while he sofa surfs or sleeps on buses.

They could have put him in hostel 30 odd miles away, but he has college and a grandmother that he can visit (she's in sheltered accommodation and he can't live there). He stayed at mine until they got him a place in a YMCA. He's okay now but they did not have an immediate place for him and knew he was on the streets for days.

Doesn't pro-choice work both ways then?

Nobody mentioned that she was from a well to do family with a blip. I at least have been shouting that being in care doesn't mean you will be a gold digger who will lie about the paternity of your baby for your own personal gain. It doesnt make you a cheat, a thief or a liar.

That’s not my assumption. I don’t care what the girls’ background is - whether she’s in care or a member of the royal family, the concerns are the same and are perfectly reasonable. If the girl is saying he is the father and expects him to provide for the child financially, then it’s not unreasonable to ask for proof of paternity, given that there is no relationship other than a one night stand. But if you’re asking me, no I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that if the girl has engaged in a one night stand in this instance, that it may not have been the first or last time she had done so. Her body her choice, no judgment here.

I do agree that the Local Authority should be involved I would expect a young mum in care to be having a degree of parenting assessment, then support such as a child in need plan at least. And yes help with housing, or a mother and baby foster placement etc depending on the outcome of the assessments.

And for OP to be screened as a possible alternative carer for baby if necessary. The post is more dissapointment at the son prioritising their girlfriend of 3 months over their baby, it doesn't give is the background. I would hope there is a social worker allocated to the unborn and making the required plans and assessments.

Sadly I don't think it is possible for you to make your son do anything. If he treats this lady that he had a one night stand with a little respect, then you'd be onto a winner, but you can't force him to accept the situation or the baby. It's a real shame though that it looks like he's not going to be a proper dad.

All you can do is have your own relationship with the mum and your grandchild. Kudos to you both, what amazing people you have been. I wish everyone were so kind, caring and considerate, this country would be a much better place for it.

I hope you can help her through the paperwork/help move in getting her own place to live and carry on with this friendship you have made. Hope all goes well when baby arrives and I'd like to say, thank goodness the baby has grandparents like you.

Decent people can come from horrific backgrounds.

It often/generally does though. Survival by whatever means is necessary when you are in an institution, Being an honest sweet kid will get you ripped to shreds so they learn pretty quick.

This. Of course it doesn’t.

Right but so might your son have if he did with her. He could have 5 kids out there but those women decided he and your family were too irresponsible to even bother with.

Ok

Absolutely! I wouldn't say out loud to her but I would be wondering why the fuck a young woman with a lovely family and good prospects wouldn't have a termination after a ONS.

You cannot deny though that this girl has more to gain from a pregnancy in her circumstances. If she has had sex with a couple of people, of course she is going to hope the lad with the lovely family she has never had is the father.

I agree you sound like great parents. You have tried and I would leave it until the baby is born and try again speaking to your Son about the impact of not using a condom. As for his form current GF I think its strange she wants to date a young man who has a baby on the way. What does your Son do? I think it must be awkward for his mother of his baby to be living in the same house as him I'd feel uncomfortable and couldn't the kind offer.

@Arghhhhggggggggggg Can I direct you to the BCC Breakfast on Saturday 22nd November 2025. Housing for Care Leavers is not guaranteed as suitable or safe in reality.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=QgSOXwV7rVQ

I’m astonished you have prioritised this girl without any proof your son is the father of the baby

Religion.

PCOS/endo

This is a non argument. As far as I’m concerned if two people engage in a one night stand and neither of them take responsibility for preventing pregnancy, then they’re just as irresponsible as each other. It still doesn’t mean that it’s right to just assume that the child is OP’s sons’ without proof, given that he will be the one financially responsible.

You moved her in?!! Into your son’s home?!! Whilst he has his own girlfriend and doesn’t want to engage with her? 😂🤣

this has to be made up, otherwise it’s the most batshit thing I’ve ever read here 🤪. She needs to be located somewhere else, DNA test after birth and then maybe your son can start to co parent. Or not, it’s up to him so long as he pays what he needs to. Rightly or wrongly. I don’t think you can make someone want to be a dad 🤷‍♀️.

The. Most. Batshit. Thing. Ever 🤪🤪

There nothing to suggest from OP 1 update that the mother is so unfit she can't look after her own baby. How judgy.

Youre missing the point. Okay so you now prove that your son IS the father... what next? What about all the other ONS he just have had? Do you check if they've got babies or had an STD or whatever? Because OBVIOUSLY, he must do this all the time now we know he did it with her. We need to test to see how many times he has done it.

What if the DNA test shows it's not his?

Do you really think it is such a good idea supporting her this much (living with you??). She's already been shoved from pillar to post throughout her life, if it turns out the baby isn't his are you still going to let her live with you??

Get a bloody grip.

She isn't a victim that needs saving, she is a young person who has made a decision and has support already available to her, if the baby is his that is the time to decide how much involvement you would like as grandparents, and how much support you would like to offer, but you can't make your son do any more than he is doing at this point.