Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

More fool you.

What a disgusting, bigoted thing to say. Shame on you.

I'd rather be a fool for a single woman my son knocked up than anyone else.

You can’t make him do anything.

But good on you for supporting her. Hopefully your son will grow up and become a responsible father to his child, in the meantime, at least the child will have two loving grandparents.

I have a 22 year old son. I would have done the exact same thing as you have done. There is no way I wouldn’t move mountains to help the mother of my grandchild.

I would have read my son the riot act as well. He wouldn’t get to be sulking that she had come to stay. I am afraid that the health of the mother of his child would trump his feelings.

How do you know she didn't want a baby?

I find the two go hand in hand all my experience of children in care I’ve never yet come across one that’s from a half decent home. Which is not to normally write them off, but this girl is rather playing to the narrative with her poor decision-making
The OP is inviting nothing but chaos into their lives where they will be utilised as a cash cow
They’re fantasies about How they rescue Oliver twist’s mother from the gutter and turn her into a lady that raises their grandchild as they would are precisely that.

Accurate though.

Not even remotely, just pure nasty prejudice.

The LA should still be consulted in the first instance as they have the duty of care. What falls out of that is a different matter. There is more to support than just housing.

We there are several reasons why it's not a great idea.
By being in the OP's house this young woman loses all chance of being given a home of her own by the council. This will be a problem long term, esp if it turns out that it's not the OP's grandchild. It will be a problem if it turns out the OP and this unknown young woman don't get on as well as they currently do. It'll be a problem if it further alienates the OPs son and makes him less likely to step up as a father (if the child turns out to be his).
Beyond this- it's unnecessary. There are so many ways that the OP could support this young woman without making it harder for her to support herself and scuppering the relationship with her own child.

What ?? No-one is saying anyone habitually does anything, but there is no relationship here. I don’t doubt that the ONS did occur and that he was a willing participant, as was the girl herself. So before making my son financially responsible for the child I would want to make sure it’s his.

Another fool

I wouldn't push your son to step up if he doesn't want, but help the girl, even if it's not your grandchild.

Like someone else mentioned, you're probably one of the few people who has shown her kindness. I would try and set her up for independence though, and get a DNA test just to know for future.

No matter if it was my grandchild or not. I couldn't just leave her to the wolves, at the very least set her up with resources.

Indeed. She's getting things in place and preparing for motherhood; but some people are taking that as read and making this all about the father and what consequences of his actions he does or doesn't want to deal with.

I'm guessing that neither of them would probably have chosen this in retrospect, and they're probably both scared about the situation; but some people are still sticking to the 'nasty girl tricked poor defenceless boy' scenario.

I also think that many people have the horrible innate prejudice that people who grew up in care are not really people just like everybody else, but rather they're essentially just a big problem that inhabits a human form.

Lol of course they are unlikely to be from a decent home, that is why they are in care! To be more specific, it has been deemed that they weren't adequately cared for by their parents. It doesn't mean their parents aren't decent people but no, they didn't run a decent home by the standards of the LA.

That doesnt mean that people in care aren't decent people with values, virtues and principles. It doesnt mean they steal and cheat their way through lives. It doesn't make them liars.

I agree with PP and think it’s very odd that you are putting a complete stranger above your own child OP?

Why on earth have you taken this young woman into your home before you even know for certain she’s carrying your grandchild?

This is also your son’s home. I find it absolutely disgusting that you are forcing this woman, who he doesn’t want to have a relationship with, on him on the strength of him having sex with her once and even having ‘serious altercations’ about her. Was that referring to a physical fight?

You are obviously some kind of do gooder who’s fallen for a hard luck story but conversely with little care for the impact of this do gooding on your own child.

It would be reasonable to keep in contact with the young woman through her pregnancy and also to discuss responsibilities with your son but this is much more than that, verging on the sinister.

I’d suggest you butt out, let your son decide how he’s going to deal with being a father AFTER a DNA test proves he is one, if so, you can build a relationship as grandparents and support the mother in getting your son to support the child at least financially but if he’s not ready to be a Dad you can’t force him.

This is why women who go ahead with pregnancies in the situation of a one night stand are just as responsible for lack of contraception as the man is. She wants the baby, he doesn’t. Risk she’s taken.

Or, he's taken advantage of a vulnerable girl from a care background to get his end away. We know it happens because the rates of sexual exploitation of girls in care are huge. Traumatised kids are very vulnerable.

There are people who are much better positioned to do this.
That will have access to information that the original poster could quite easily stuff up for this young girl by simply not knowing
Definitely happened to me when I was younger well-meaning people with their Advice misdirected me and it cost me thousands and thousands of pounds and years of my life
These things are best left to the professionals

Says the idiot who actually typed:
I find the two go hand in hand all my experience of children in care I’ve never yet come across one that’s from a half decent home

Gee, I wonder why. 🙄 Why would they been in care if they had a good home life?

The assumption has been that this is something the girl does all the time (unprotected ONS) because she did it once with this boy. If your son admitted he did have an unprotected ONS, why wouldn't you go looking for the babies he must have had from all the others he must have had. Why would it be his 1st unprotected ONS and her 10th?

This. What posters are overlooking is that the LA has the legal responsibility for her care, and in this situation can offer proper independent advice as to the options available to this girl, who at the moment has put herself at the mercy of a family who are willing to support her now, but may not be if things get too difficult, or if OP’s son ultimately turns out not to be the father. There is no safeguarding concern at all, and it’s doubtful that what the OP is doing is even legal if the girl is a minor - she hasn’t been vetted or approved as a suitable guardian.

Honestly not being funny here but the LA standards of a decent home are on the floor.
The Criteria for removing children from Homes is horrifyingly high
So you put those two together and it really doesn’t bode well for this young person which is why they should be in a mother and baby unit being taught how to be a proper parent, To the local authority standard otherwise this new baby is just going to end up out of the mother’s care anyway.

What were you thinking???

Why on earth didn’t you try to persuade her to have an abortion?

No young woman needs to have her life ruined and be saddled with a baby at such a young age these days.

Absolutely, that’s an equal possibility no doubt about it

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