Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Housing is not the only issue here. The girl is housed at the whim of OP and her family and may change according to circumstance. The LA has legal responsibility for the girl and can offer independent advice as to her options, which is something the OP has not done. What happens if the child is not OP’s sons’ ?

If it showed it isnt his, then youd do pretty much the same as if it was. You'd give her a stable home until the authorities did what they're meant to do. Why would that change? She's still a young, vulnerable, single mum.

I give up. No, you don’t check because, as I said, if the sex is consensual, both parties are equally responsible for preventing those things.

OP not been back?

Who has falsely accused your son of fathering her child. You’re living in a dream world.

Surprised ?

The child is not here yet! Why the need for the mother to live in the home of complete strangers, including the one she had a one nighter with who wants nothing to do with her.

OP did not say she was homeless.

Go and work or volunteer with older teens in care.

You would soon change that opinion. It used to break my heart how they were treated, especially girls who fell pregnant.

Your poor son. He should have taken precautions, after that it is out of his control.

How do you get him to take an interest?

You parent him, love and support him and don’t vilify him he is only 19, he needs guidance not disappointment from you. Lower your expectations for him to be an instant adult and learn to talk with him as an an individual about this situation and grow him into it. Quit shouting at him. Quit interfering with mum2be, and making your son feel pushed out, you don’t know her needs, her foster carers and social workers will house and guide and care for her. You can be part of her village and good grandparents alongside. Your main responsibility here is to your son, to support and guide him to be the best he can be in the circumstances.

And to ensure he understands how he got in this situation so it is not repeated with gf.

@WillfredJohn, thank you for not instantly treating this girl like a lepor, and as though she has no value, for the social crime of having been in care.

Care Leavers already have a significantly challenging transition to adulthood. I recommend reaching out to:
https://www.careleavers.com
https://www.reesfoundation.org

They unlike the judgemental sorry excuses for human beings on this posting. Can offer additional emotional and practical support for the girl and your family.

To be blunt , you can't force him to engage with it at all. All you can do is foster a healthy relationship with the mother of your grandchild but be prepared for pushback from your son. Condoms fail these things happen. Leave the current girlfriend out of the situation, your son has an obligation to at least financially support the baby when it arrives ,has he thought about how he will do that.

Unfortunately you can't force your son to take an interest. Perhaps he will in time when he's finally accepted the situation but there's no guarantee.

It's great OP is providing support for the pregnant girl but I think moving her in to their home was wrong.

Forcing your son into living arrangements with a stranger was wrong, expecially when he is in an existing relationship. How many posters would be happy if their partner was sharing accomodation with a pregnant one night stand? He needs to step up to his responsibilites but expecting him to live under one roof with this girl is unreasonable imo.

I think moving the pregnant girl in is to the detriment of your relationship with son and will make him less likely to engage with the situation. It's no surprises that he's spending time at his girlfriends place.

I agree that he needs empathy. Not blame.

It's not judgment. If she is in care she likely has a social worker and they will make an assessment of whether or not there is anything to be worried about in terms of ability to care for the baby.

It might be incredibly short and say all is fine, she'll be great end of. It might say she is going to be great but could use some support, we should offer a child in need plan. Or some support around healthy relationships / budgeting / housing etc.

I would expect there will be conversations between the girl's SW and manager along the lines of "how worried should we be?" "X much worried about mum, I suggest ..... and as a back up dad's family seem OK and willing." They have to cover all bases for an unborn and look at all options and outcomes.

Could be a mistake rather than a malicious lie. Either way, I'd help the vulnerable young woman.

Why are people so keen for the MTB to 'face the consequences of her decision' but for the son to be able to live his life and opt out of parenting? So weird. Maybe after the DNA test the son can face the consequences of being a single father, and MTB can go live her life.

If OP is offering a stable home to the girl then why not involve the LA - who when all is said and done, are still legally responsible for her - and formalise the arrangement ? As it stands the girl is there at the whim of OP and her family, but for any number of reasons that could change- including if OP’s son turns out not to be the father. What happens to her then ? At least a formal arrangement would offer her some protection against being homeless and pregnant. If OP wants to be this girls saviour - and it’s clear she does because she’s putting her needs way above that of her own son - then she needs to allow for every circumstance surely ?

Personally I don't think you should have invited her to stay in your son's home at all, that was wrong.

There are ways you can support her - eg meet with her, help her financially, let her know you will help with the baby and supplies when it arrives etc - without moving her into what should be your son's safe place.

I know he is not acting at his best here but he is only 19 years old and this is a huge deal for him too, he needs to be encouraged to engage and face up to reality (which I know you have been trying), he doesn't need a girl he drunkenly slept with once being invited to live in his home by his own parents.

Ultimately you can't force him to step up here, all you can do is encourage him and hope that as he matures he starts to do the right thing.

It actually sounds like she was pregnant and ill and they offered her a temporary home where she could recover with some support. Flu kills pregnant women.

I don’t think it’s that at all. No one is suggesting he opt out of parenting, but let’s make sure he is actually the parent first.

I think you are living in cloud cuckoo land is you GENUINELY believe that people would do this out of the goodness of their hearts.

The ONLY reason OP has taken this girl in is because he thinks she is carrying his grandchild and he wants to step up to support her, with a side angle of trying to force his son to become involved.

If it showed it isn't his, then she has misled them about the circumstances, so my point is they shouldn't be offering her this much support only to yank it away when it becomes apparent that they absolutely no biological connection to the child and she has actually lied about who the father is.. do you think they will still want to support her after that?

I understand that, but legally she is the responsibility of the LA. So OP either needs to put her back into the care of the LA or take formal responsibility for her care. The girl has no protection from homelessness without a formal agreement between the OP and the LA.

This. It’s bonkers.

Yes I read it as that too

I do think your son needs to make decisions for himself about how much support he's prepared to offer and how much contact he would like. As an adult, accepting his choices - whether you agree with them or not - would be your optimal path. He'll reap the consequences of those choices in time. Young people make mistakes but helping them through these in a supportive way is how they grow and learn from life's lessons.

My experiences of caring for teenagers in the care system would caution you to be extremely hesitant to step in quite so readily. Wading into a situation you might not have the skills or resources to deal with could present many difficulties.
More importantly, the help you offer might well circumvent the valuable support available from the care system which can extend until the young person is age 25.

Despite it not being a perfect system in many ways, the avenues available to willing young adults in this situation are quite considerable.
A personal adviser, a supported pathway plan, continuing financial assistance for education and training and housing, a mental health counsellor, perhaps a mother & baby unit to assess and support the care given by the mother for the child. This could be the opportunity for a young person to develop their independence and utilise a support network into the future.
Having access to this support system, not dependent or reliant on your good nature, is not to be discarded so readily. It leaves the mother and her baby unnecessarily vulnerable.