Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

I agree with this, definitely get a DNA test, and definitely stop having the girl to stay in your own home, support her yes, but you’re far too involved and making it even more difficult for your son to come to terms with the situation.
She should not be staying in your home you’re heading for a very difficult long term situation,

I don’t think anyone is assuming that she is lying, but without a DNA test, no one knows for certain that the son is the father. They were not in a relationship and it’s not clear if they knew each other before the weekend they spent together, so there are a lot of unknowns beyond that they appear to have had unprotected sex or a contraception failure.

A test is a good idea but it’s ridiculous to say she shouldn’t be in OPs home. Nasty, too. There’s no reason why not.

Unless you’re prepared to offer support for the next 18 years, I’d back off. This won’t be a popular opinion, but this young girl needs to know the reality of her situation asap so she can make an informed decision.

I think that those assumptions are fairly reasonable given that she was a willing participant in a one night stand. They know nothing about her, and it may well not have been her first or last. The OP has decided that the child must be his - on the say so of a stranger. That assumption is just as horrible in my view. Given that OP’s son is facing financial responsibility for this child, l think the least he deserves is some effort to establish that it’s actually his.

First off, they do not know that this is their grandchild yet. Second, it would only be my grandchild if it was a relationship mediated by my son. I would definitely not be moving the mother to be into my house and ignoring my son's wishes. no. I might giver her some money and support, meet her for dinner, help her get advice from Citizens Advice or the local council, buy her a TV and cot for her flat, even go to scans with her. There are ways that you can help without ignoring your own child or taking over his life. The OP is clearly motivated by wanting to be a grandparent and that is not fair to the pregnant girl or his son - you remove all their own agency and responsibilty by making all the decisions for them and then trying to force them into relationship with one another. Butt out.

Yes.
my children, the most important people in the world to me and that’s absolutely how every parent thinks down and if they don’t, there’s something wrong with them.

I’m not going to do anything to my child’s detriment.

She’s a minor. She’s still in care and she’s the legal responsibility of the LA. She will have support from social workers and access to proper independent advice as to her options, instead of being at the mercy of a family who have taken her in, but who can just as easily throw. Her out if things get too difficult - or indeed, if it turns out not to be OP’s sons’ child. The OP hasn’t been vetted or approved as a guardian by the LA so has no business moving her in. Several reasons right there.

All those insisting on a DNA test, would you be doing that if the girl wasn't a care leaver? If it was a girl from collage and a lovely stable family background and bright future?

Or is the girl in care at a party always going to be promiscuous and likely to lie about paternity? We don't know if she thought it was just a casual fling, or the start of a relationship. We do know that he didn't wear a condom and was onto the next relationship months later.

The young woman would appear to be in the care system who should be supporting her until she is at least 21. That is reason enough for them not to have moved her in. At the very least there should have been in-depth discussions with the LA before this happened.

In addition it is not 100% certain that the son is the father, only a DNA test will confirm or refute. The son is clearly struggling to engage but rather than provide support to him by giving him space, this young woman (who appears to be a stranger) has been moved in to the son’s home. The damage done by this may well completely destroy the parents relationship with their son.

I think it was totally unreasonable of you to move the girl into your family home. It is your son's home too and he must feel incredibly uncomfortable with that. No wonder he's hiding at his girlfriend's x

Firstly, there arent many days that one can conceive. Secondly, she may not have used condoms this time, but she likely does some of the time because most people do some of the time. Lastly, maybe she got on well with the son and it was a flukey thing. I mean does he regularly have unprotected one night stands or was this unusual for him, too? Why would anyone assume he rarely does this and she does it all the time?

I wouldnt assume this of her just because she is poor and has been in care.

The care system often leaves late teens in unsupervised accommodation. Many of the teens I know who have no foster home over the age of 15 live in semi independent places with minimal staff input. Some are even in adult hostels.

If the girl had been a willing participant in a one night stand and then turned up saying my son was the father, l wouldn’t care what her background was, l’d want a paternity test. It’s the one night stand that’s relevant here, not the background of those taking part.

No people assume she is lying or ignorant of the paternity because she is poor and has been in care.

Would you wonder how many other kids your son could have since a one night stand unprotected once must mean he does it three times a week?

By prioritising the mother (as yet unconfirmed) over your own son you are alienating him from yourselves. This will leave lasting resentment.

It is his life, his choice. Yes he will need to contribute to this child’s life if he is the father. However you can’t force people together because you want them to be.

This woman has made a choice to continue her pregnancy.

I mean, neither of those bode well do they?
She’s probably taken one look at the OP’s son’s parents thought that’ll do nicely.

Okay. I'd never do that. If my son ignored his child, I'd know i failed as a parent with him and would want to do everything to correct that with the next generation. Maybe at some time my son will step up so I'd want contact so he had half a chance of being a better man at some point.

Do you think everyone who has.been in care thinks that way? Or just the ones that are still poor?

I don’t think anyone is making assumptions because of her background. As l said upthread if someone turned up claiming my son had got her pregnant as the result of a one night stand, she could be a model citizen, but l’d still want a paternity test.

She IS taking responsibility, did you somehow miss that?

Yes.

Regardless of backgrounds, two strangers had sex. There is no 100% certainty that the weekend encounter resulted in the pregnancy. It may well have, but when you are looking at lifetime of supporting a child both financially and emotionally, would you not want to be 100% certain that you were the father regardless of the background of the stranger you had sex with?

Would you then interrogate your son about all the other ONS he has had and go searching for the babies that he may have created? Because obviously unless he absolutely denies the ONS occured, it will show he habitually goes around doing this.

No, I was talking about her taking responsibility for avoiding an unwanted pregnancy. Which clearly, she didn’t.