Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

Remember, if you’re ever lying in the street, carry a card saying ‘It’s against my beliefs to accept help from anyone I don’t share DNA with. Go save someone else’. It’ll make it easier for bystanders to know you believe in walking on by.

She has a support network - and one that's properly trained. In the meantime, the OP still should be supporting his own son and that includes pushing for a paternity test so he knows what his responsibilities are and what he'll need to discharge those.

Also condoms are not 100%. It's too late now, but everyone (not just the people in the situation!) needs to talk with their children about this, and advise them to consider at least 2 forms of contraception being used. There was another thread about a teenager who was pregnant and has since become pregnant again, so it is worth discussing this. Maybe some will say they're adults, not the parents' business anymore, but it's surprising how many people wish they'd thought to use more than one type.

And your point is what? What an emotive but fundamentally empty post
if I’m found lying in street I’ll rightly expect good statutory care and intervention within boundaries of health and social care. If I’m unconscious all my planning and provision is robustly recorded. My advance care plan is robust I should know I wrote it. I’ve made medical and financial provisions

Please do make sure you get a DNA test. This happened to a friend when I was a teen, he stepped up and became a part of the child’s life as did his parents…only to find out after 6 months that the child was not his, it broke him and his parents.

It’s great that you are supporting the young lady but I don’t think moving her in is a great idea, I don’t feel it will help the situation with how your son is dealing with the situation and you may push him away. Yes he needs to step up and take responsibility but I don’t think being forced to be around her will help.

Would be nice to have a family though wouldn’t it ? You know, some love ? That’s one thing she hasn’t got.

"Play in the rain, get wet" as you say.

I think PP are well within their rights to challenge both the OP and mtB motivations. What is 'really weird' is OP disregarding OP feelings, or the feelings of the other children in the household all in favour of a stranger their son foolishly impregnated. Also really weird is mtb willingly moving in to the home of a family os strangers.

Which she will have if the baby is the Op's son's.

There's been some really helpful suggestions to my original post and some pretty unpleasant ones. But I know this is what happens when you put your life online and ask for commentary.

Both MtB and my son are essentially just kids having a kid, in this scenario and trying to navigate it in their own best ways. I'll try my best to keep helping but do see in retrospect that my wife and I have probably made some bum decisions. At worst we've added to my son's stress by having her here - but as he said to me earlier "I know you're just trying to do the right thing and there's no manuals for this."

I've spoken with my son today and we're going to take some un-pressured father son time to chat it through over the coming week. He'd also asked to speak to a therapist because of a few other things he's working through - I really support that and have said I'll help sort it out.

He's going to chat with MtB about paternity and has said he'll make more of an effort because if the child is his, he does want to play a part. He also believes that he is father - so that's not been a reason why he's held back.

At no point did I mean to demonise him or her - he's had a lot on his plate and she's been doing her best. She doesn't have any family support, which I didn't share before - which is probably a contributing factor as to why we got so involved.

For people who have made comments about abortions and contraception - as far as I know neither of them were sensible in this regard, but that's a life lesson learnt. She didn't want to have an abortion and the social worker early on said that my son was not to even approach it as a topic - which he didn't.

At this point I'm going to take a break from the thread.

I’m curious to know if the baby does turn out to be the sons, how would you then expect the grandparents to act? Would they still be overstepping ? I think some mums on here would stand by their son still, mommy’s boys and all that.

All fair points.

I wonder if this is @WillfredJohn overdoing the restitution he feels his son should be making? Trying to do the right thing even if it's overstepping. I prefer to believe that the OP is coming from a good place, trying to make up for the stupidity & lack of responsibility of his son.

What's that saying "No good turn goes unpunished" ?

He sounds like he's in denial and quite probably feeling out of control in the situation. Ye have tried loads already. Maybe you could try tell him stories about having his own dad, you, there growing up. The times ye spent together doing different things. How important it was and how it has contributed to your life. You could tell him that having him changed your life and that you knew you wanted to do your best for him etc. Maybe it could offer him a different perspective

No. I have no misgivings. As I said - quite clearly.
You think differently - great stuff. Carry on.

I plan to,as you say, carry on

@WillfredJohn
On the DNA side of things, I had considered it but when she went for one of her scans, the conception date was given as that specific week she met my son - as my son opened up to me that they’d had roughly a week of meeting up following on from the initial ONS before going their separate ways. Not conclusive but that's all I know at the moment.

Not slut shaming but she could have been sleeping with more than one person that week?

Sounds like it is all progressing okay - given the circumstances - and that your son is processing it somewhat. As you say, they're kids having kids (and yes, before someone jumps in: 19 is an adult, but we all know that a fair few 19 year olds are far from grown up. And yes, if you can have sex, you should be grown up, but we also all know that teens and hormones make really dumb choices!), and I think it sounds like you're doing what you can from a kind and good place. Pretty fucking admirable in my book as your lives must have somewhat gone topsy turvy with all of this.

As for paternity test, I know it's sensitive as "girl in care having sex" does not mean "with everyone". She quite likely only had sex with your son during the time of conception, but it might still be a good idea if you can approach it sensitively to at some point before registering the birth and get that done? Without ruining all relationship and connection with MtB, who probably is "used" to not being believed or trusted. You sound by all accounts like you have a good handle on that aspect too.

Try not to take the posters saying you're doing a "saviour" thing to heart. You seem to be doing something kind, sensible, utterly human and very very decent. Which is perhaps rarer these days and lead to those "saviour" theories. I hope it all works out for all of you - especially the MtB and baby.

Excellent! :D

I feel quite sorry for this girl. Given her chaotic upbringing, she has likely been looking for love and companionship in unconventional way, and perhaps believes that this baby will be her forever family. It may come as a big shock just how difficult raising a baby is, particularly when you’ve had a chaotic childhood/didn’t have healthy parental role models, are extremely young, don’t have a firm foundation career-wise, and have decided to go it alone.

He'd also asked to speak to a therapist because of a few other things he's working through - I really support that and have said I'll help sort it out.

Good.

BUT I was going to suggest upthread that YOU might like to consider counselling for yourself (and perhaps your wife too?)

I fully 'get' your good intentions but wonder where they are coming from.
My gut feeling is you're trying to rescue this young girl but it could be seen as controlling and inappropriate.

I wonder too if you're going all out to 'parent her' because you feel you've failed as a Dad? And this is your way of redeeming yourself.

No doubt over the years you did have those son-dad chats about not getting a girl pregnant - and yet he/they have done that.

Your son has made a mess of things (they both have) but she is in care and presumably vulnerable.

If this had been a relationship of sorts, as much as it can be at 19 and 18-ish, I could understand your desire to support the girl emotionally to an extent. However, it was a one night stand. That's very different.
Making her part of your family is inappropriate for so many reasons.

I really do suggest you talk to a counsellor too because it will help you to understand why you've behaved this way.

Please do take on board the sage warning about boundaries and saviour complex, it is inappropriate set of behaviour. Get a paternity test see if your son actually need to be involved @WillfredJohn Get some clarity for all involved to aid planning, finances, responsibilities and determine who need to be included.

Many many young girls with those backgrounds think a baby is the answer based on the notion that the baby will love them back.

I've seen it many times in my career .

I don't understand why the OP as well as his wife and son wouldn't want the reassurance of knowing that the son is the father of the baby. Then everyone knows where things stand and can move forward with confidence and without doubt about paternity hanging over them.

True.
I'm sceptical this is real situation, and if it is the OP is behaving really bizarrely, and there's got to be a huge back story which we re not hearing.

Agreed.

I know this isn't logical but someone (male or female) having a ONS at a party may repeat that behaviour and therefore the child may not be the son's at all.

'Conception date' is not accurate to a day, and if the OP believes that he's mistaken.

It's as if he's made this his project and wants the involvement, regardless.

At times residential staff may be dealing with things and still on site so wouldn't need to report unstaffed or understaffed but a young person may not know immediately where they are. It also depends on the type of accommodation-op has described semi supported living as opposed to a residential children's unit so there would be no need for it to be staffed 100% of the time as young people are there to build independence. There are also differences in young people's support and financial entitlements depending on their age and the nature of their care arrangements prior to turning 18. We have no way to know any of that.