Son has got girl pregnant - not engaging with situ

[WillfredJohn]

My 19 year old son met a girl briefly at a party and she is now pregnant. She’s a touch younger than my son and is in care.

Where my son has led a charmed life, the girl has not. She’s had a tough series of life experiences that had resulted in her being put into care, all through no fault of her own.

They’re not together, having seen each other for just a single weekend and she reached out several weeks after finding out she is pregnant. As it was a causal fling, my son, has since been dating someone else. It’s been about 3 months with his GF but any mention of the baby and he becomes very withdrawn. The GF has known the baby situ from the start.

He’s not been the most communicative and my wife and I have since built a solid relationship with mother to be. I really like her - she’s smart, tenacious, and fiercely independent. As you can imagine from someone who has been let down a lot in life, she finds it hard to ask for help. Recently she was very poorly during the later stages of her pregnancy and my wife and I stepped in to ensure she was properly taken care of.

During this instance - I asked her to stay at our house, much to frustration of my son. He struggles to talk to her and I think is very intimidated by both her and the situation.
Being vocal about being uncomfortable that she’s staying at our house.

I keep having big arguments with him because I really want him to rise to the challenge, buts he’s not being emotionally available or supportive. His current GF is quite needy also I believe is behind some of his reluctance to engage - fearing it will be the end of their relationship.

How do I get him to take an interest? I’ve tried the softly approach and even the very hard approach, which resulted in me and him having a major altercation.

There’s only 2 months of the pregnancy left and he’s so far been absent from scans or any hospital appointments - he’s also not bought anything or saved any money to help. I fear he’s happy to sit back and let my wife and I do everything whilst he hides at his GFs.

I’d really welcome any advice on this - as I’m increasingly really worried.

The girl is not a care leaver. According to OP she is still in the care of the LA, who have a legal responsibility for her. If OP is offering her a home, then it should be formally agreed with the LA for the protection of the girl herself.

So you think it’s completely down to the OP’s son that the girl ended up pregnant. ? What about her own responsibility to ensure that when she consents to sex, it doesn’t end in an unwanted pregnancy ? It seems many posters here are living in the 1950’s. Birth control is freely available. There is no excuse whatever your sex.

No, not surprised in the slightest.

I wasn’t suggesting they live with her! But there no reason they shouldn’t invite her in and form a relationship, as long as they know that the child is their grandchild.

I know people who have done this in several different circumstances, personally and professionally. People are good, you know.

Care leaver refers to someone who has aged out of foster care, but is still obligated to increased support and care from LA's. Depending on where you live and what services are on offer, this can be up to age 25.

@Rosscameasdoody not at all, but I can only speculate on the mum2be and the dad2be motivations and actions and that’s not helpful.

I wanted, though, to answer op’s question and that is what I did. The answer in short is I strongly believe ops responsibility is to guide and support dad2be to be the best he can be in the circumstances.

I am very sad for him that the parenting he is receiving is to be shouted at and ostracised.

Get DNA test, start there You are somewhat overdoing the saviour interventions and conspicuous graciousness. Why?
Pregnant Girl your son had ONS with staying in your house, knowing it make son uncomfortable? That’s unnecessary & provocative. Next you’ll book a church make them marry? It’s your son home and you’re considering moving in the girl he’s not in a relationship with.
As a pg care leaver she’ll be priority for housing and support. She will be offered accommodation, get a worker. Let the LA sort the support.

stop being over bearing, support your son to make adult decisions without his Dad ploughing in

Hoping that this is made up actually. Sounds like the plot of a really bad rom-com.

Or two teens met at a party and decided to hook up? Not as dramatic as either of the exploitation scenarios but not entirely unlikely.

Not true. Non-Invasive DNA Tests use a sample of the pregnant woman's blood and find the free fetal cells which will be in there mixed with her own blood, they can then compare those cells with the DNA of the alleged father. These tests do get less and less accurate if the woman has been pregnant multiple times as there can sometimes be cells from a previous pregnancy still circulating in her bloodstream.

@WillfredJohn I know a family who were in a similar situation to your son. He got a girl pregnant at 19 but had no interest in a relationship with her. What's important (once paternity is established and confirmed) is his responsibility for supporting the child that he helped create. The girl can't step away from that responsibility and he can't either. He doesn't have to be involved emotionally if he doesn't want to and he certainly shouldn't be pushed into any kind of relationship with her. He can and should pursue his own romantic attachments and relationships (in the case I know, I was friends with the woman he eventually met and married) but his financial responsibility to his child is not going to go away - he needs to buckle down, start earning and start contributing. It might be that he doesn't have the maturity just yet to cope with being a dad emotionally (my friend's DH said that he was a pretty crap dad for the first couple of years) but as he matures he may yet become capable of nurturing that relationship. It might be that you are putting too much pressure on him to engage with the emotional side, and he's rejecting that as it's too much for him right now, so ease off on that and say it's fine for him to be uninvolved emotionally right now, but that he absolutely has to be involved financially.

You and your wife are top people, God bless you.

Wow, I didn’t expect so many responses. Thank you to those who messaged me directly - some really useful advice given. I’ve tried to clear up a few points in my response below.

I must have missed something major when I made my original post, probably due to it being very late and being tired. I didn’t mean to give the impression she’s permanently living with us, she isn’t.

She’s had 3 periods of serious sickness over the past two months. She lives in a sheltered living like facility and it’s a good distant from the nearest hospital, whereas we live minutes away from a very good hospital. She messaged me and my wife and said that on a number of occasions her support staff were AWOL and she struggled to get medical care - which really worried my wife.

Yes, she has a social worker, who my wife has chatted with on a few occasions, as both my wife and I are DBS checked due to our jobs, she was fine with her staying with us on 3 occasions whilst she was sick and was supportive of it. It mean’t getting to the hospital easily and having various on-going tests/checks didn’t require her to pay lots of money back and forth for taxis - which MtB has to pay for. She has Hyperemesis Gravidarum which involves vomiting blood - hence why my wife and I were so concerned.

I’m keeping dialogue going with my son, I love him and nothing would change that - we’re going to go for food later and to have a chat. Our relationship has always been really good up to this point but I can see how he might feel sidelined. At the same time finding it very difficult to not give the MtB support. At no point has she ever asked me or my wife for anything, but I admit seeing the lack of love and care she’s had from her own family and the state, it’s triggered a bit of paternal response from me. (She looked extremely sick when we saw her at one point.) But I know this on me to better manage and respect boundaries. They’re both so young in my eyes and it’s easy to slip into a "what if" mindset - but what’s done is done.

Next month MtB get’s to pick a location where she’ll be provided with longer-term housing, and I’d like her to be a bit closer to us than she is now. She’s not used to relying on anyone and also had never met us until recently - so I don’t get the comments about her trying to exploit us for money.

On the DNA side of things, I had considered it but when she went for one of her scans, the conception date was given as that specific week she met my son - as my son opened up to me that they’d had roughly a week of meeting up following on from the initial ONS before going their separate ways. Not conclusive but that's all I know at the moment.

DNA test isn’t BIG needle plunged in to mum endangering baby . maternal blood test. The man have a cheek swab. That’s how noninvasive paternity test work.

I think when the baby is born you need to get a paternity test as a starter.

I think it is only to your credit that you are so supportive.

I hope most sincerely it all works out. x

He has to take responsibility on a practical level of course, but you cant force his emotions. Years ago I had a friend who got pregnant with a man she'd known 4 months before they split up. She got involved with his family and tried to get him involved but he just wasnt interested. He paid maintenance of course but he wouldnt engage and it was all a bit of a disaster. I can understand you wanting to support your grandchild, and I think you should, but I really wouldnt try to force someone into a situation they dont want to be in. Hes more likely to want to know his child aa he matures if you dont force things now.

Your son need to get a DNA test, it’s not about you or your preference
When workers go on AL someone else temporarily cover the cases. The TM will make sure AL is covered, there are duty SW too. The girl isn’t left abandoned. You have serious boundary issues and need to let the girl and her workers get on,without you staging interventions

Yes completely possible. And hopefully what hapened. I'm more arguing to counter those saying or implying that the girl is a manipulative promiscuous user looking to parasite her way into a naice family and lying about who the dad is to do so. Certain this young man is somehow a victim or at least blameless. Which is what a lot of people seem to be suggesting, based on nothing bar her being in care and now pregnant and not terminating.

In what world did you read my reply and think I thought the girlfriend is pregnant? 😳

OP, your son needs support at this time. So does the girl, but having her in your house is way too much.

Have conversations with him about stepping up when the baby is born, but for now there is no baby and he has no relationship with the girl so what is he supposed to do? Go shopping with him for baby supplies, talk to him about what to do when baby is here. But he and the girl have no relationship at this point so it's not like they will be bonding together.

*ETA more appropriate ways to support the girl would be going to scans with her, helping her sort practical things like accommodation with her social worker, helping her apply for resources (there is help that her midwife can refer her to for things like baby essentials and furniture beyond what you/DS provide). Moving her in is not appropriate. I also would have required a DNA test at the beginning if DS is going to form a relationship and be responsible for maintenance.

Unfortunately theres only one set of parents taking responsibility & control here & it's not in favour of your son despite the girls upbringing
& Experiance - she should have access to support through midwives if not the currant carers/social services she's involved with however nice your being your son should have a safe comfortable place to live while he works towards how to father once the baby is here.

Christ, you've completely and absolutely changed the entire thread with this huge dripfeed.

What a waste of time.

DNA is a must, dates can never be conclusive.

You've chosen to push your son to the side to make sure you are involved in your potential grandchild's life - imagine how you would all feel if it comes back it's not his. You can't force a relationship and maybe he is having a hard time dealing with this.

You have to remember he is your son, she is not your daughter!

How old is she if she’s still in care?

@WillfredJohn work on your boundaries and enough with the conspicuous saviour intervention. You’re wound up & precise about everything regard this girl but not about getting a DNA test. How’s that? Ok so what role or function is this fulfilling for you & wife? Praise,approbation? Oh look how they’re stepping in where the state has failed….Aren’t they marvellous with all the staff shortcomings…AWOL staff in a residential facility?…call out of hours local authority team,surely? I don’t think your motives are appropriate I think your boundaries are all over the place. You love the drama