What is the best thing you done for your children?

[me24x]

We have two young DC, all I can think about lately is how can I ensure I do everything right for them. I’ve recently had some very sad news about my dad and it got me thinking about my childhood. It wasn’t bad by any means, we had our own house, clothed, fed, holidays to my mum’s home country only but I don’t have a lot of memories of happy times spent together really.

So what would you say are the best things you done for your children? If you don’t mind me asking!

Give them a wide range of experiences and opportunities. More important than ever in the increasingly insular world young people now occupy.

I'm not sure you can ever really know that.

Our dc will always have an opinion and see things differently when they will get to adulthood.

Currently I believe that it is important being around for them and I try to be available both for support but also to facilitate things so that they can take part in clubs and activities and social opportunities. My parents were not very available because of work and caring responsibilities (all unavoidable and with good intentions) but it really impacted my teen years.

I don't think I will regret being fairly strict on screens, phones and social media. But they may turn around and say it caused social problems that I am not fully aware of.

Raising them to think for themselves and be independent.

Being there for them before and after school, I was fortunate enough to be a SAHP for the primary years. And travel to experience other cultures. I realise how privileged this sounds, but if I had to say one thing, it would be to be present and interested.
What I wish I’d done is open a junior ISA at birth and paid in a small amount each month.

Exactly! That’s what scares me I think. My parents both worked full time and as such, didn’t have a load of time for me or my sister. We grew up in a nice area but shared a room (which I HATED all through my teenage years). I find myself now in a similar situation ironically, we will need a bigger house and to do that I will have to go back to work full time after this mat leave however I’m worried my children will grow up with no great memories of their childhood which I feel quite sad about.

I also agree with being strict on phones/social media. I had this as a teen and wow, did it impact me. Constantly wanting to look like someone I’d seen or trying to fit in. I definitely won’t have regrets when it comes to that as I’ve had first hand knowledge of the effects!

Thank you for your comment, it’s very insightful!

I arranged tutoring for the 11 plus and I am really pleased that they all got into grammar school to give them the best opportunities . It is one of my best achievements I believe .

My dd is 19 now and I think getting the work/parent balance right, I took the financial hit and worked part time but feel being there for dd was worth it.

Being at home when they were little and at primary school. I know i was very privileged to be able to do this but I really would sacrifice material things to have that time with them when they are small. I know that for some it's impossible though.

A healthy diet.

1. Providing a stable home environment, few house moves, happy marriage so they’re not witnessing arguments. Feeling safe and secure is very important to me as I didn’t as a child.
2. Getting the children into the best school you can as education stays with you forever.
3. Holidays - I never had any as a child but my DC love a holiday and us being together even if it’s just a few nights away in England. These seem to be DC best experiences.

My DC is 16. I feel content with the childhood I provided. It hasn’t been perfect, but we have done a lot of fun stuff together, have always had good communication. Memories are made from time in the local park, reading books when they are young, listening to them, believing in them, showing them you love them.

My DC is a very happy and sociable 16 year old, with lots of friends. This is ‘success’ to me

You sound like you really care and I’m sure you’re doing a great job

Good food, a warm house and me around as much as they need. Going on regular holidays with them and sharing experiences/each other

My kids are still kids, but the things i hope are best that I am doing are;

Always make time to listen to their worries and offer support & reassaurance after.

Apologise when we do something wrong (adults make mistakes and need to own them too)

Offer lots of kisses, cuddles, praise, positive comments about them as people etc....basically just lots of emotional warmth.

Work part time so that they can have me present as babies/toddlers for the majority of the time, and I can still do school pick ups and take them to clubs after school.It hasn't been easy financially not both working full time as we aren't well off, or even 'comfortable' really, but they don't go without and it's been worth the sacrafice.

Having a happy and loving home and having fun together. Giving them time and treating them as individuals.

Co-sleeping. Close relationship with grandparents.

Encouraging their own opinions and ways to problem solve. I’ve seen other kids where everything was done or resolved for them and it’s not a happy outcome . Boundaries and expectations that they will be decent people. Putting money aside when I could for them. Eating as a family at the table-insisted even through the teen years. There have been plenty of mistakes but these are things I’m glad I did.

Believe you me you will do plenty wrong as far as your kids or anything is concerned. Because you are human. There’s plenty I regret about my dealings with my children. But overall I have given them a loving home, I’ve supported them in any endeavours, and tried my best to be present and attentive, I’ve taken them to Spain, to America, to Rome, Norway and Belgium. Before my DH passed away when they were small they even went to Australia. Loving and supporting your kids is what you can do. And listen to them. Don’t always think you know best - listen to what they are telling you.

Thank you all so much for your comments, they’ve really given me food for thought. For reference I am the higher earner out of me and DH, including bonuses considerably so. He says it will be fine if I didn’t want to go back to work as his salary can cover the bills which it can, but inc food, car, insurance etc we really won’t be left with a lot and I feel quite a lot of pressure to provide now and for the future, as I haven’t had any help financially by my parents and would ideally like this for my children when they want to buy a house of their own. We have DD nearly 2 and DS 5m and live in a 2 bed so of course, we are going to have to get a bigger house as they grow. That then leads to me feeling stuck, do I go back to work to provide and get the bigger house sooner and have the money for holidays and experiences’ or do I spend more time with my children and hope that they understand the sacrifice?! I feel like the recent news about my dad has really made me think about our lives whereas DH is very laid back about everything. I just don’t know what they’ll appreciate more once they get a bit older and that’s what kills me!

How to enjoy their own company. From being tiny I would tell them they were going to have a chance to do whatever they wanted by themselves for 5 minutes. I built it up by a few couple of minutes every month or so. By the time they started school they would ask for the chance of half an hour in their room with their books and toys, and as young adults they seem secure in themselves.
I made the 'dark' a cosy treat as well, but that was for myself as I hate a light on at night!
Also a couple of cliches that I would constantly quote, and they now quote back at me "When one door closes, another opens" and the inevitable "Carpé Diem" as I dropped them at school every day.
I am a very irritating Mum.

We also co sleep, and they have a great relationship with my mum and dad not so much DH mum and dad however mine live 5 mins away his over an hour. My mum is currently away and we went to their house earlier and she was most disappointed only grandad was there! (She does love him too but nana is even above me I think!)

My mum didn’t work when we were young and I think it affected me negatively. She was so clever and would loved to have seen her excel and be a strong role model for me. My parents had very traditional roles and my siblings and I sort of took it for granted. She was a bit of a martyr (but who can blame her as she did everything!).

Ive really tried to change this with my family and for my children to see that parents are equal in terms of work/household tasks/mental load/etc. I don’t want my children to have these gender stereotypes that I did and I think I still try and take on too much in as my mum did. I’m trying to rectify it and my husband is amazing.

We have quality time as a family at weekends and we are so chilled and relaxed and can do whatever we want without the feeling we ‘need’ to be doing something household related.

My favourite childhood memories were holidays when everyone was switched off and we could fully enjoy each other. I can’t remember my mum being there after school as I had no real memory of that, possibly all watching a bit of Ready Steady Cook, but anything everyday is monotonous and forgettable. Where as holidays and weekends where we all spent time together was priceless!!

So, this is always subjective as to what you can afford! If your kids are seriously bright move to a decent grammar area? If not and they require extra help can you afford private? Who are your kids and what can you facilitate?!!

Thank you so much for this. Really hits home!

a few things…

1. trying (and failing currently but I have hope🤣) to drill ‘save a bit, spend a bit’ - boring but I think she’ll realise when she’s older
2. good self worth and independence
3. doing stuff together & looking forward to things. Cinema we make a day of it and get excited and get sweets, maccies etc. sometimes it’s just a walk, sometimes it’s a girls shopping day. I want her to know we treat ourselves but sometimes we just sit & play cards/walk the dog
4. a stable home life with routine(which can and does get broken and that’s ok)
5. I know not everyone can do this but I do every school drop off/pick up - I never knew who was picking me up from school!
6. I have rules that make me unpopular compared to her dad/other parents but I stick to them - mainly manners/car seats and screens but again, I think she will remember this to be good…eventually!
7. AMAZING big group camping trips with all our friends and their kids. This will be a massive memory for my DD