Mortified by my 4 year old - what am I doing wrong?

[TeainanIV]

Having a really difficult time with my four year old DD at the moment. Her behaviour just seems to have massively deteriorated in the last 6 months or so. She throws huge tantrums, shouts and screams, constantly defiant, stubborn to the extreme and even hits us now and then. We never used to have such extreme behaviour and I can't help but feel like her Dad and I are failing in some way.

She's had a big year - we welcome DD2 last November and she's a very clingy baby. She's also started Reception in September and we're navigating all the feeling that come with that. I've struggled with a little PND after DD2 arrived but tried to keep that hidden from my eldest.

Today I've hit my limit - with a baby that's had hand, foot and mouth all half term and a four year old who never seems content. We've just had a playdate with a school friend and I am so embarrassed by her behaviour. I've had to carry her out of the house kicking and screaming because she wanted to go in to the garden but couldn't as her friend had an appointment. They had a lovely play together and she's spoiled it. I had to chase her around the house to get her to leave, all whilst she's shouting and screaming, hitting and kicking me. I'm mortified and could cry - it's only the second time we've had a playdate with this friend and both times have ended like this!

I feel like I'm failing her, we try and focus on the positives and heap praise on her for positive behaviours. We don't always get it right though, and I dare say she's feeding off some of the stress her Dad and I are under. We're both full time and have found this current phase of parenting and managing the house very overwhelming. I'm now worried it's rubbing off on our eldest.

I'm just so upset and really am not enjoying where we are at the moment. Feeling delicate so please advice is welcome but be kind 🙏🏼

Apologies for not replying sooner to everyone - attempted our first Halloween, which she has LOVED, so she's had one on one time with Mummy doing that which has been great.

To echo a lot of posters - I think it is mostly about one on one time with Mum and Dad that's the root of the problem I think. Add in a new school, new baby and both parents working full time and there's not much time for anything else.

It's overwhelming, I know she's displaying a lot of regular 4 year old behaviours but I guess I'm finding it hard as it's so out of character. I can't lie - DH and I are both exhausted with work too. His is intense and long hours, ironically I work with children so come home very overstimulated and knackered! My hours are also long.

We simply cannot afford to reduce our hours and finances are very tight - we would love to have a cleaner, even once a month, to relieve some pressure of the house but again, we just cannot afford it. It feels a little like we're working our arses off and family is suffering as a consequence. To echo a previous poster, I didn't grow up with much but my parents were present. I'm frightened that my DD doesn't feel like we are.

We're trying our best, we love our girls dearly and we praise her so much - and most of the time she is a delight. We're just having much more 'attitude' now and very big feelings. I'm guilty of catastrophising and I'm trying to be better.

Thank you again for every comment, it has helped me feel less alone and given me some food for thought going forward. Tomorrow is a new day!