Delicate Situation ! My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

[cherryberrybaby]

Delicate situation: My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

This is a problem that seems simple but is very complicated. The seemingly obvious thing is to get her new clothes. It's not that simple.

As a middle-aged woman, last year I got angry at my loving husband when he told me I needed new clothes because of my weight gain. It hurt me as a grown woman to hear that from a man I've been married to for over 20 years. Imagine how a teenage girl would feel.

I want to help her but I'm afraid I may make her feel worse.

I can only speak from my experience. Been there, done it, got the T shirt.

I have always struggled with my weight. I've been a size 10 and a size 18/20. Not obese but overweight.

I have daughters. One put on a fair bit of weight when she was your DDs age or maybe 17. @cherryberrybaby
I once said to her... gosh you've put on some weight and I wish I hadn't. I am not sure how much you are talking, what sizes, what weight but... I wish I hadn't said anything. It really hurt her and made everything worse. It was because I was focussed on my weight and how I'd struggled.

DD found her own way. She got into running big time and now, not small, she is fit, healthy, and knows her own mind. No one of her age needs to be told she has put on weight... she knows, it's her body!
Just have healthy snacks and meals and do not say anything.

I’m sorry for your situation, OP. And what a place to live in if you don’t feel you fit that perfect slim mould.

My mother always used to harp on about my weight and it was soul destroying, so I can understand your reluctance.

Do you think she might go along on a shopping trip if you say that you’re looking for some new clothes, rather than it being for her? Then maybe you could spot a shop she likes, or some items similar to those she already has?

Did you post here when your husband said what he did about your weight? I seem to remember a thread like that and feeling Bert sad for the OP, whoever it was.

A thought about her allowance. My DS put on weight when he started secondary and had free range over what he ate for lunch for the first time. When I unpicked it, he was having lunch, pudding and a milkshake, plus a snack at break, then coming home and eating a normal dinner. I think it’s actually quite easy for teens to overeat when they have full access to junk food, but because they are active and growing, modifications like not having all of the available junk every day has a positive impact.

I would do as others have suggested, take her on a casual day out to find some bargains, and in the meantime bin the junk at home and encourage her to take healthy food from home at least a couple of days each week.

If she is Pregnant ( maybe reason why she doesn’t want to go shopping) at the end of the day there’s worse things than a wee baby ,

Take her shopping for new clothes. Also let her into the secret that you really want to lose weight but feel shy/unhappy/unsure about going to e.g. a Slimming World or Weight Watchers on your own so could she come with you and join in to help you out?
She might bite. She might think about it. You haven't said she is overweight (You are sure she's not pregnant btw?).

OP's DD will see right through that. I've lost count of the articles I've read about how women were traumatised by their mother putting them through WW/whatever plan.

OP, aside from tackling your home diet, how about using Christmas as an excuse for a shopping trip?

I'd just ask her if she'd like any new clothes, then tell her to have a look online put anything she likes in he basket and you can order & pay for it. No stress then, I've done this with my daughter and she much prefers browsing online and then being able to try on at home.

I have actively reduced the amount of sugar we eat. No sweetened drinks, no bought cakes or biscuits, no crisps in the weekly shop.

We enjoy our food though, I make birthday cakes and ice cream, but I use sugar alternatives.

We still have pizza occasionally and chips very occasionally. We have wholemeal pasta and sauce with whizzed up veg.

The kids get lots of protein and vegetables, roast dinners, home-made curry. We eat quite a lot of berries. They seem pretty happy about the home-cooking. And no one feels hungry or deprived.

This was to address a similar sort of situation after lockdown.

The harsh reality is that your daughter is eating far too much of the wrong type of foods. Unless that changes her weight gain will continue. Buying new clothes every six months is not the answer.

You can tackle this without saying a word and both benefit. Replace your anxiety with action and have fun with it.. Educate yourself about eating less and doing more. Are UPFs an issue? Get her to help you cook and food shop for alternatives, it’s cheaper too. if your husband is eating differently take a leaf from his book and reflect his choices in family meals. When you are in the supermarket check out the clothes section pick out new basics for yourself and suggest she gets some stuff too. Go for a walk after dinner. Get your bikes out.

Could you buy a few things and tell her you bought them for yourself but they are too small

Just take your daughter out for a shopping spree, as others have said. Of course she'll probably twig that you want her to get bigger sizes but, she may also appreciate that you don't mention the weight and she's finally getting comfortable clothing. Maybe, if there's something else going on, she might open up to you during this 1-on-1 time?
My granddaughter is the same age and has gained weight and she's had a lot going on - a disability diagnosis, GCSEs, chronic bullying, a relationship breakdown and she was, literally, eating her feelings. We went out, bought clothes that fit better, chatted, she's now in college, doing a course she loves, has made friends, is away from the bullies, I spoke to the staff about her worries and her diagnosis, made sure lots of support was in place for her, ahead of starting college, now we have to go clothes shopping again, as she's losing weight lol.
Enjoy some retail therapy together and don't stress about suze labels xxx

Just take your daughter out for a shopping spree, as others have said. Of course she'll probably twig that you want her to get bigger sizes but, she may also appreciate that you don't mention the weight and she's finally getting comfortable clothing. Maybe, if there's something else going on, she might open up to you during this 1-on-1 time?
My granddaughter is the same age and has gained weight and she's had a lot going on - a disability diagnosis, GCSEs, chronic bullying, a relationship breakdown and she was, literally, eating her feelings. We went out, bought clothes that fit better, chatted, she's now in college, doing a course she loves, has made friends, is away from the bullies, I spoke to the staff about her worries and her diagnosis, made sure lots of support was in place for her, ahead of starting college, now we have to go clothes shopping again, as she's losing weight lol.
Enjoy some retail therapy together and don't stress about suze labels xxx

If you’re 16 year old daughter has put on at least 2 stone in weight recently then I think you should be changing her diet to help her lose weight, not focusing on buying her new clothes.

That is an incredibly large amount of weight to put on so young and it will be having a massively detrimental impact on her health and shortening her lifespan.

I know it’s a difficult conversation to have but it’s a really important one. It will be mainly due to diet rather than lack of exercise. As you are the one who buys all the food she eats, it is completely in your control to help her change this.

Maybe ask her to go with you as you want some new clothes and would like some company?

These were my thoughts. You are obviously very sensitive about your own weight and you have said you come from a family of overweight women.

how tall is she and what is her weight?

I think a conversation about health and fitness rather than weight is needed here. Are there any local gyms that allow a 16yo to join? I'd offer to buy her a gym membership and some dfyne gear if she is interested in improving fitness. If she says no or is offended just say you love her no matter what but if she fancies getting fit this is the way.

Why not start cooking healthier family meals and ask her to join you on walks etc. Or she buys bigger clothes. She is almost an adult and old enough to realise that if she wants her clothes to fit better then she needs to eat less / move more.

@cherryberrybaby says pregnancy has crossed her mind. Well that's something you really can't ignore. She needs medical help in that case.

Again if it's PCOS which I developed as a teenager she needs help there.

If she's just eating badly, that's something you can do together with diet, exercise.

Just have a big clear out, donate loads to charity (( you too )) then have a shopping day for the both of you. Easy done.

If you can't give direct truths to your children, no matter how uncomfortable, then you need to reassess your parenting style imo.

I would just have an honest conversation. DD, you know my top priority in the world is for you to be happy and healthy. I've noticed you've gained a lot of weight suddenly and I'm worried that might mean that something is bothering you or you might be unwell. I wanted to ask if you're ok? I love you and am proud of you, and if you tell me there's nothing wrong then that's absolutely fine. But you know I've been unhappy with my own weight in the past and I'm here to support you if you are having any struggles of your own that you want to talk about.

Making it a loving, empathetic conversation. Hopefully making her feel able to talk about it will help her address it and have the confidence to buy new clothes.

Fuck me are you for real? There’s a possibility she’s pregnant (if she’s showing it’s likely she’s second or even third trimester) and you’re here posting about weight issues and how complicated it all is. It really isn’t.

‘Darling I’ve noticed recently you seem to be holding your tummy in a lot. Is there the remotest possibility you could be pregnant, or have you just put on a few pounds? Whichever it is I love you and will support you, whether that’s with a pregnancy or having a splurge at the mall at the weekend. If you can’t tell me face to face you can always text me - remember I love you dearly and won’t judge either way.’

Also maybe buy her some handmade clothes for Christmas that don't have size labels in them, but in a size that would better fit her?

Don't mention weight at all.

Ask if she wants to go clothes shopping with you or if she would like you to buy some stuff for her similar on style to what she already has, or maybe you put together a basket of stuff online and ask for her approval before ordering.

It doesn't need to be secret or awkward. If she brings it in up off the back of the new clothes suggestion you can talk about it sensibly together. She might appreciate the offer of you cooking some family meals together that will help hee eat healthier or a family activity you can do together for fitness.