Delicate Situation ! My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

[cherryberrybaby]

Delicate situation: My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

This is a problem that seems simple but is very complicated. The seemingly obvious thing is to get her new clothes. It's not that simple.

As a middle-aged woman, last year I got angry at my loving husband when he told me I needed new clothes because of my weight gain. It hurt me as a grown woman to hear that from a man I've been married to for over 20 years. Imagine how a teenage girl would feel.

I want to help her but I'm afraid I may make her feel worse.

I can understand that you don't want to say anything directly, but you don't seem to want to do anything at all. If you can't do anything tactful and you don't want to do anything not tactful - what ARE you hoping to do?

"She will know she's putting on weight. Buying new clothes might be a way into the conversation, but you need to let her bring it up. Don't mention it AT ALL." @Vroomfondleswaistcoat nails it.

I'd also consider what the consequences will be if you don't address it in some way, either by taking her shopping or in some other way. Will she continue to try to squeeze into clothes that don't fit any more? That may well dent her confidence further (you already mention she may be feeling ashamed). It's tricky but I think no action isn't an option.

I just game some context in my previous comment but I can give more.

She could have easily bought new clothes on her own. At least 30 pounds. I understand that I could be projecting but I am over 99% sure she noticed her own gain.

Do you suspect that she might be pregnant? From the way you are posting, it sounds like there is more to it than just needing the next size up.

But if her clothes are too tight then surely she won't be offended if your offering to buy her new clothes that will be confortable to wear? Your over thinking it, just tell her your doing a winter shop

I know I might sound crazy. Being a girl or a woman who is overweight, there are sometimes very unique insecurities.

I've done it before, I've seen other girls do it, it can be very hard to admit that one needs new clothes.

This girl hasn't needed my help to buy regular clothes in years. Other than a mental block, nothing is stopping her from buying her new clothes.

Plus we live in southern California. She doesn't need new winter clothes unless we're going on a vacation.

I dunno, it just sounds at this point that you want us to tell you its okay if you tell your daughter she's overweight

So then you need to act like an adult and support your daughter, if that means a difficult conversation, then have it. You need to bring it out in the open and help her find a way fwd. perhaps work on your weight together, it might help both of you.

Can’t you just suggest a day out somewhere different for a change? Lunch, shopping and a walk around. When you inevitably end up in shops offer to treat her.

This. An overweight child will become an overweight adult. You know what that is like! Surely you don't want that for her.
Her feelings do need protecting but her health is paramount. Allowing her weight to increase and increase will not help her in the long run.
Why don't you do a weight loss and exercise programme together?

That's not what I want.

I get that it's hard to understand unless someone is an overweight mom and/or has an overweight daughter.

Insecurities can drive irrational behavior sometimes. There is no rational reason why my daughter is in uncomfortable clothes, unless she's secretly masochist.

Maybe I could be as helpful to you all as you can to me. The behavior I can describing in my daughter maybe more common that you all may think.

Surely she'll prefer wearing clothes that fit to ones that that are too tight for her?

It might be a bit awkward but unless she's going to start a diet/exercise program and lose the weight, she's going to have to rip the bandaid off before it gets worse.

Are you able to just give her cash/a card and let her go shopping alone? Or take her to the shops and make yourself scarce while she shops?

Then, quite frankly, let her buy her own clothes. If she chooses not to, and she continues wearing clothes that don’t fit, that’s for her to deal with. If it’s making her uncomfortable she absolutely will go and buy some new clothes eventually.

Obviously it's a difficult topic, but you're her mum and you'd hope she trusts you. If she doesn't trust you, is there another adult in her life who could talk to her?

There are options these days for losing weight and maybe you need to get over your awkwardness and set them out - maybe it's both of you who need to do this together. You could join a gym, a slimming club, or even look into the jabs.

Give her time and space to think about what you're saying. A good time to have a conversation is in the car - that way she doesn't have to make eye contact and she might feel more comfortable to tell you what's going on with her.

What sort of time frame has this happened over? If it’s happened quickly and you haven’t seen an obvious reason for it then there could also be a health issue at play.

If she has all the means to buy her own clothes and is choosing not to then my guess is she either intends to lose the weight again, or there will come a point where she physically cannot put her current clothes on, at which point she’ll be forced to get herself some new stuff. At 16 if you don’t think she’ll be receptive to you bringing it up then all you can do it leave her to it really.

I can't speak for her but I can speak for myself.

There have been times where I clothes have to be riping before I start buying new ones.

As an overweight woman, I had hoped that the tight clothes would motivate me. But that never worked for me. Admiting I needed new clothes gave me such a feeling of failure.

All the women in my mom's side of the family are big from the beginning or eventually get big. Maybe we all share a disease. The ones who were thin as little kids, get big somewhere between the ages of 13 to 21.

I think some of this might be 'dammed if you do, dammed if you don't' and you have to choose your 'dammed'

My friend always gives out that she remembers when she was 13, her mum took her for a drive to talk about her weight. She told her she had noticed she had gained a bit of weight and that maybe they could look into what she is eating at school or take up more exercise together. She did do both of those things but my friend - 20 years on - ''jokes'' about it. But I think in general while it obviously hurt her, she is also glad.

I know other then that say their mums never said anything when they really should. My ex boyfriends mum asked me for help with her then 15 yr old dd who was very over weight. I gave my honest advice (mainly that there was too much easily available junk food in the house) and that a chat was needed. She didn't do either. The dd is now a very over weight adult.

My own mum gives out that her mum used to make comments on her weight. But never actually addressed it. She is still over weight and very unhealthy.

My mum would comment on my weight that I had a lovely slim figure - I no longer do. But I felt I needed to be slim in order to look good. Looking back now I think I had some form of ED as you could actually see my bones in pictures.

30lbs is a lot of weight to gain for a teenager in what sounds like a short time. I think as her mum you need to find a way to address this so she doesn't have issues in future.

Would she appreciate your support in losing weight? Sometimes I think being upfront can be less of an issue.
Obviously you do it in a tactical way. My Dd was upset at gaining a few lbs and my reply to her was that she’s beautiful and not overweight but if she wants to lose a few lbs because it’s healthy, then I’ll help her. Which I did.

I think you are projecting a lot of your own feelings and insecurities onto your daughter. You don't actually know how she feels and why she's not buying new clothes. You need to ask her.

It sounds like you need help with your own mental health and attitudes towards your weight and size. You say your family has money. Why don't you invest some of it in therapy for yourself and your daughter? There are lots of excellent intuitive eating coaches, weight loss coaches, binge eating therapists and so on. I'm sure you'll be able to find someone who can help you both. Maybe just a regular family therapist is what's needed, to help you feel able to communicate more openly with your daughter. Maybe your husband should be involved too, since he obviously has an influence over how both of you manage your health.

From your other replies about noticing her sucking in her tummy etc is sounds like she is well aware and is insecure, also you mentioned she would normally buy her own clothes but hasn't done so this time, maybe she doesn't want to admit even to herself that she needs that next size up because that's something I do too, I'd rather wear something tight than admit I need a bigger size

I would definitely use this as a chance to change both of your lifestyles and suggest that together you can learn to eat & cook healthier foods, find some workouts you can do together, youtube has great dance/zumba/step workouts that can be fun! She may just need you to be the one to reach out and help her make this change as she may not know what to do

From an adult point of view, i wish that someone had told me that i was overweight when i was 16 and that my habits need to change. Ideally, you would have a sit down conversation about what she can do to achieve a healthier weight.
BUT if she already has low self-esteem, this may not be the best course of action. You could take this as an opportunity to better yours and hers. Model healthier choices yourself, and she may follow. For the clothes, just say you would like to treat her

Coming from you a concern about weight gain is better and more likely to be received than from her dad or a male friend.

Not easy I know OP, and especially given where you live, where unhealthy options are more commonplace than in many places.

Hope you can figure something out.

Does she eat at home much? Can you make sure you don’t have any junk in the house? If she sees you suddenly buying healthier options (just say you’re on a health kick) she can quietly join in without any discussion needed. It can be hard to admit to yourself that you’ve put on weight, even if you know it’s true. Some of it at 16 is just growing up anyway - very few girls stay the skinny 13/14 year old size by the time they get to 18! So some of it is normal growing, some of it may be eating too much - but if you can just make changes at home (make healthier dinners, no crap in the cupboards) then it’s harder to overeat. Even if she’s out with friends a lot and buying her own junk, at least the food at home won’t be making things worse. And that way she’ll just be eating better without realising it (or she might, and might be thankful it’s easier to make better choices) Also echo other posters suggestions of going to the gym / walk / swim and ask if she wants to come too? Something low key and not stressful - a walk probably the easiest way to get out and it’s not too much like hard work for someone who may not be massively into sport (I don’t know, you haven’t said if she likes exercise or not)

it’s a difficult one for sure. I still think a ‘why don’t we have a nice day out’ type of shopping trip wouldn’t look too odd?? Unless you literally never do that kind of thing… but maybe worth a go.