Delicate Situation ! My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

[cherryberrybaby]

Delicate situation: My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

This is a problem that seems simple but is very complicated. The seemingly obvious thing is to get her new clothes. It's not that simple.

As a middle-aged woman, last year I got angry at my loving husband when he told me I needed new clothes because of my weight gain. It hurt me as a grown woman to hear that from a man I've been married to for over 20 years. Imagine how a teenage girl would feel.

I want to help her but I'm afraid I may make her feel worse.

I hope my daughter is mentally stronger than me. Even now, it's so hard if anyone has to talk to me about my weight. And I'm 43.

I don't want her to go through what I went through.

I don't want to sound too harsh but it really seems like you have a lot of issues around this. Which I get! But honestly you need to figure out a way of addressing yours so that you are not passing them on to your DD.

My other concern would be has something happened for her to put on so much weight so quickly? Is she stressed? Depressed?
She may prefer to lose the weight rather than buy new clothes but not know how to do it.
Ask her if she wants to join you in getting healthier.
Gym? Hikes? A nutritionist? Research healthy eating plans?

However she will probably be delighted that you're offering new clothes without any discussion of reason. Even if she realises you're being tactful, she'll appreciate that tact, and that she can just pretend it's to freshen her wardrobe for winter.

I think you just need to bite the bullet and talk to her.

She will know and you both ignoring the situation isn't helping. I think you need to not put any blame around it, and don't exactly say 'you've put on weight' but basically mention that everyone needs to start eating healthier, start walking together daily, and put an emphasis on being healthy.

Take her shopping in the mean time and then have this conversation with her.

Therapist? Gym membership? Dietician? Because everything else pp have kindly advised, you have excuses for. I’m not really sure what you’re asking for.

I would just say to her she’s getting taller time to get new clothes

I hear you OP, and I feel myself reacting to so many posters assuming clothes shopping is a treat - it's really not if you feel horrible about your body. I think the best thing is trying to talk to her about how you're feeling about your own body and saying you hope you haven't shared that negativity with her, that you'd like to celebrate all the amazing things your bodies have done, and honour them, asking her if she has any ideas how you can get more healthy and how she might like to get involved? Can you position with a focus on fitness and strength, not weight? With a reward for when you can both do something like walk up a mountain / do an hour's class etc?

It sounds like it is a good time to get rid of processed / convenience foods in the house and model healthier eating at home, something you can all do together. But I'm not sure you will or want to do anything about it?

I was overweight as a teenager and I wish my mother had spoken to me about it! I was fat for most of my adult life, it’s only now the wrong side of 50 I’m at a healthy weight. If you don’t address it now, you’re setting her up for potentially many health problems.

As an aside is there any possibility she could be pregnant? My friend’s daughter concealed a pregnancy at that age!

Haven't you been having conversations about healthy eating for years? My kids know that there are foods that should only be eaten in small quantities and some that you can eat more of. There are no banned foods, just an understanding about portion size. Make sure there's lots of easy and tasty healthy options available and don't buy fizzy drinks, crisps, sweets, biscuits, cakes etc for the house so that if she wants to snack the only options are healthier options. Obviously at 16 she'll still be able to go and buy them herself but not having high calorie food easily available does reduce consumption. The rule in our house is 'if you want cake you have to bake it'.

Does she do enough exercise? She should be doing an hour a day at 16. That can include things like walking to school and walking into town with friends. Maybe suggest some mother daughter time doing something active, go for a walk somewhere beautiful or join a gym class or do some gardening or whatever you both fancy. Something to get you both moving. And maybe look at how much free time DH has to himself to exercise vs how much time you get, maybe there needs to be a family reset where he takes on more of the housework to free up your time to get fit and healthy.

Frankly from the way you are massively projecting on to your daughter on this thread, and making a practical problem for her a psychodrama about you, I wouldn't be surprised if you have given her some serious issues around food and weight.

Maybe give way to her dad on this one, as you don't seem able to come at this as a strong supportive parent - your own insecurities and issues are too triggered.

Tell him that he needs to broach the subject with her in a gentle, loving way, and encourage her to buy clothes that show how beautiful she is, rather than emphasising the things she doesn't like.

More to the point, maybe he can encourage her to join him in loving and respecting her body more - take her to the gym with him, show her how to use weights, get into a bit of friendly competition about PBs etc, ask her to cook and eat with him. Try and be a more active role model and support for her.

Please don't push your issues onto your daughter. You are assuming she feels the same way you do about her weight gain, which she may well do, but it won't help for her to know how much shame and self-hate you feel around your own weight issues - all that tells her is shame and self-hate is how she should feel too.

There is no shame in weight gain, all bodies are equally worthy. But people who love themselves look after their bodies. Let her love herself, at any size. Best thing you can do, until you have your own self esteem issues under control, is to back off the issue completely and give this one to dad.

I think you are probably mixing the 2 things - your DD is easy. ‘We probably both needs some new stuff for winter - lets go shopping’ or ‘heres xxx pounds for some new clothes, now its getting colder go treat yourself.’

There is no need to mention her weight - I presume she is taking her exams soon it may be a pressure thing - don’t highlight it, and if your H does tell him to ‘fuck off.’

What your H said to you is a separate issue - context is important did he say it with worries about your health or was he just being a prick?!

You both will have amazing qualities, you are not defined by your weight - of course its better for us to be healthy (I am at size 16-18) but when you are ready, and not by doing anything drastic like those very low calorie diets. Leave your DD for now - she maybe stressed, worried and focusing on school/ friendships etc and may not be in the right mindset.

No one gets fat because they don't know chocolate and crisps and cake are unhealthy 🙄

A different approach possibly - What are you doing about your own weight? Could you speak about your approach and model what you are doing? For example you could say I’m not buying crisps any more as I will just eat them, hope you understand! I’m going for a long walk while it’s sunny, need to get my steps in. Will you keep me company? This way it’s not about her. Ok she might realise it’s a bit about her but it’s not focused on her.

Similarly, clothes wise, go shopping for yourself, ask her to come along, and point out some things that would suit her? Get her to try some things to keep you company in the changing room??

You said all the women in your family have the same issue. Have you been tested for PCOS? Underactive thyroid? Even a little bit underactive can make it very hard to stay a healthy weight.

Honestly this might be an opportunity for allowing her to open up about how she's feeling, have a plan of action for what you want to say and how best to support her.

In all honesty I'd find it hard to believe that any 16 year old wouldn't need to buy new clothes when the last batch was bought for her at age 12, she may not have gotten any taller but any girl will have developed changes to bust, hips etc with puberty. If nothing else after four years of washing and wear, surely most of her clothes are starting to look a bit worn?

I'd use that reasoning to bring up the subject and then follow her lead on what happens next, address her emotions and make it clear you're there to support her in whatever she needs. If you really feel this is an issue that's followed you all your life then maybe it's be worth seeking a professionals advice here? Might end up helping you as well as her!

As a daughter who's mother has never given up on commenting about my weight - and I mean never. I've been judge my whole life by her and whatever size I am. It's exhausitng, hurtful and more importantly NOT WELCOMED!

At 16, you know you've grained weight - there's so much focus on it. Via peers, social media etc. Please don't add to it.

I would say that you are going shopping and would she like to come - you could make a day of it. Have fun and other each support.

You make it sound like your experience 'as an overweight mother/woman' is an unusual one that most of us aren't appreciating but, statistically, a third to a half of the posters you're talking to on this thread will also be overweight. And will understand.

I understand the horror of not fitting into clothes anymore and I'm not even overweight, Very few people stay the exact same size all their lives and yes, it's really miserable knowing you need a size up and not wanting to admit it.

I do get why you don't want to talk to your daughter about it and make her more uncomfortable. I like a PP's idea of going for a day out for lunch, a wander, look round a town centre etc that isn't specifically 'going shopping' but could easily lead to going into shops and seeing 'bargains' or 'perfect for you' items that you could offer to treat her with.

Does she feel she doesnt need new clothes?

Iv seen a few teen girls who wear very tight clothes who are larger sizes. Could she be comfortable with how she looks and feels she doesnt need new clothes?

All the women in my family were or are overweight except for me, including siblings. They eat high fat and high carb diets and 2 have non functioning thyroids and then it’s a wicked battle to lose weight as they hurt when exercising and it’s hard to undo years of toxic eating habits.

Is your daughter eating poorly OP? You say her dad eats healthy? I eat a lower fat diet (still eat a lot of crap tbh and tons of carbs just smaller portions and often do intermittent fasting due to adhd and forgetting to eat) so i eat way less in general and exercise a lot which is why I’m slimmer than my family. Has she had her thyroid checked?

Including wanting to help my daughter and myself, I hope this thread help other families.

My daughter is already active but she can be more active. I can try to make the conversation be about health and fitness instead of looks.

I agree with a PP - I'd be wondering about pregnancy. Sounds like she's gained this weight over a short recent period and is conscious of her stomach. K

I think your own feelings about weight and shame is getting in the way. My ds15 gained lot of weight btw 13-14 because he was overeating. He ate when he was bored, angry etc. I had to (and still do) hide crisps and treats and hand them out one by one because he just goes through it all. Obviously I talked to him about it- which I suggest that you do with your dd as well:

"Sometimes we eat because we are feeling angry, sad, bored etc. I've noticed that you have gained weight so I wanted to talk to you to see how you are doing, if there is anything I can help you with or that you want to share with me."
And "For now we need to get you some new clothes because the old ones don't fit. Then maybe we can try to help out each other and see if we can eat healthier during the week and have some treats at the week-end? And maybe we could go swimming/walking/biking together as well? We both need to get some healthy habits so let's help each other out. You are beautiful and I love you the way you are but I want you to live a long life without health problems so let's try some changes."

Oh and my ds lost all the weight he put on. Gradually and without dieting. Just by hiding all snacks. I wouldn't want him to never have snacks- that just leads to frustration and ed later. But I need to watch out for him since he's not able to do it himself.

That's definitely a possibility, and I've been watching her. It's at the back of my mind .