Delicate Situation ! My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

[cherryberrybaby]

Delicate situation: My 16 year old daughter's clothes are too tight because of weight gain.

This is a problem that seems simple but is very complicated. The seemingly obvious thing is to get her new clothes. It's not that simple.

As a middle-aged woman, last year I got angry at my loving husband when he told me I needed new clothes because of my weight gain. It hurt me as a grown woman to hear that from a man I've been married to for over 20 years. Imagine how a teenage girl would feel.

I want to help her but I'm afraid I may make her feel worse.

Stop buying junk food, takeaways etc it'll do you good too. Even if she's already active you can't put run a bad diet. If she asks why the food shopping has changed you say you are making healthier choices like dad and that's difficult with junk in the house. Don't talk about her weight at all.

She may be hurt if she realises you noticed her weight gain. But equally she may be relieved to have clothes that fit, rather than reminder of the weight gain every day she wears too tight clothes. Nevermind the discomfort. She may even be embarrassed to ask for new clothes for this reason and be glad you are fixing it.

It is important to be sensitive, but also important to get her the clothes she needs.

This 👆

Insecurities can drive irrational behavior sometimes. There is no rational reason why my daughter is in uncomfortable clothes, unless she's secretly masochist.

You've literally said the reason you didn't buy bigger clothes is you hoped it would motivate you to lose and you'd feel like a failure if you went up a size.. what makes you think your daughter is any different?

I've been that slightly overweight child, with an overweight mum, looking back now it was hardly anything!! I wish I had addressed it, or someone had been supportive about being healthy, and modelled healthy eating habits because it led to me being an overweight adult with ingrained habits around food that are hard to combat.

You know better than anyone how hard it is, so to be honest you are part of the problem by modelling bad eating habits and normalising being overweight and being in denial, you owe it to her before it gets any worse by changing your own eating habits and concentrating on fitness, and encourage her to do the same.

If you do nothing because you can't face up to what it says about your own failings, then you are signing her up to a life of struggles.

You tell her you need help to get healthier and hopefully she can help without stating the obvious

Can’t you both go on a fitness campaign. Say you want to look better for Christmas to get into a nice dress you have. Clear out the cupboards of junk, start eating more like DH, join an exercise class or take up a sport together. Tell her SHE’S helping YOU.

As the mother of a teenage daughter, I 100% understand the wish to be sensitive and compassionate when talking about issues relating to body size, weight, appearance etc - I think most of us can think of a time when we were knocked off balance by a harsh or cruel comment about such matters. But being sensitive and compassionate isn't the same as not saying anything at all. And saying something - even if just about the fact that it looks like she could do with some better-fitting clothes - isn't the same as being cruel or harsh. Sometimes it is an act of kindness to mention something (sensitively) rather than everyone sticking their head in the sand as an act of denial.

Your daughter will be aware of the fact that her clothes don't fit her. You don't have to mention it as a criticism, it can just be a neutral comment about how it is probably time to sort her out with a wardrobe upgrade because her clothes don't fit as well as they could. It can be said neutrally rather than as a loaded statement.

I really don't get all this pussy footing around. Speak to your daughter honestly, maybe start a healthier eating plan together. It will be much easier to lose the weight now than you saying nothing as she puts more on. She's more likely to thank you now than realising y
Later you sat back and said nothing.

You sound lovely, OP. I wish my mam had been as thoughtful and tactful with me when l was young and overweight.
Maybe you could say you want to look for some new winter clothes for you, and ask her to go with you? That would at least get her in the shops and she might be inclined to look for things for herself?

If you are overweight and your daughter is conscious of her weight why don’t you do something about it instead of buying new clothes?

Tell the whole family you want to make better lifestyle choices for yourself and ask them to help you choose recipes and activities to do that will help you to become healthier. It will hopefully lead on to an open conversation with your daughter about how she is feeling. If she says she is “uncomfortable” offer to buy new clothes. Tell her it’s shit being a teen and having to deal with the effects of hormones. Support her and make her feel you understand rather than feel judged.

Weight gained in childhood isn't going to go away on it's own, especially once growth stops.
It's a very hard conversation to have but if your own mother can't tell you you are overweight then someone less kind will.
I did have this with DS. We are a skinny family who can all eat like horses without a thought so I was perplexed. I ignored his weight gain for a long time but it was clear he was self conscious about it. When I finally had the talk he was so relieved to openly talk about it and very motivated to change. I won't go into detail but I focussed on healthy eating while not excluding anything. He eventually slimmed down to a healthy weight but has never had the metabolism to eat what he wants in the same way as his parents or siblings.

Non issue. A 16 year old teenager is still growing, whether outward or upwards.

Just say it looks like she's growing out of a few clothes and let's have fun shopping for more.

You can't expect a 16 year old to be fitting into the same clothes they wore at 14, or even 15.

I have an adult son with autism who has put on a lot of weight due to a medical condition and being on steroids. He is absolutely insititant he is a Large size, as he has been for some time. And his autism totally resists any sort of change. If I were to buy him an XLarge or more likely an XXLarge he would not wear it as it is "not my size" - even though it fits and a large size is far too tight. So I buy him the XL or XXL size and cut the labels off.

I totally agree that you cannot expect a 16 year old to be the same size as a 14/15yr old

You are not an idiot, just a mum worried about the best way to help her daughter

Can you buy some nice cosy winter clothes from a catalogue? Then maybe have a bit of a pamper evening with you both having face masks etc then you can both try on some of the clothes and she can keep the ones she likes. No stress of going to the shops if she doesn't like that bit.

If you really think she might be pregnant you must talk to her and soon. It won't go away by wishful thinking!

OP’s said they’re in Southern California, so this bit about “new clothes for winter” that people keep saying is not going to work.

OP, I think you’ve got to bite the proverbial bullet and address this with your daughter flat-out. Whatever the reason for her rapid weight gain is, it’s a health issue, and you can’t just ignore that.

Do the clothes literally not fit anymore, i.e. they won’t zip/button up, or she can’t get them on? Or do you mean that they look stretched and unflattering?

If it’s the former, she’s going to have to get clothes she can wear sooner or later. If it’s the latter, I’m afraid you might have to put up with the way they look. I’m not sure how you encourage a 16yo to eat less/move more when you have limited control at that age.

I was going to say just offer to take her shopping and don't mention her weight. But something for yourself too so it's not about fixing her situation but about enjoying an activity together.

You really need to talk to your daughter.
If you suspect there is any chance she might be pregnant, you need to address that immediately. The mental load of a concealed pregnancy would be enormous.

It's not beyond the realm of possibility to have that level of sudden weight gain through habbits...I gained a similar amount when sitting exams

As you say - she knows she has gained weight. Pretending she hasn't and not mentioning it doesn't help. You are also projecting your own shame on to her.

I do understand the mentality of not wanting to clothes shop as you have to face the reality of weight gain/ size. The idea of buying clothes that you don't like yourself in is depressing. Coupled with the constant message you tell yourself that you will manage to lose the weight.

None of this is good though. It needs to be addressed. If she doesn't like her body shape she needs good, sensible advice on how she might address it. Regardless of size, she needs good knowledge on eating for health.

Clearly you love your daughter and don't want to cause her distress, but a head in the sand approach will only do more damage long term.

I'm 40+ and have been conscious of and battled my weight since I was 8 years old. I do get it, it sucks, but I have learned to keep a handle on it by facing realities (and the scales and shops).

a 16yr old is still growing. yes, filling in is normal and she may yet have a spurt and gain 1/2 an inch.
would you deny a 16 yr old son new trousers if they were too short?
Your view seems toxic.

So you're overweight, and now your daughter is overweight, and you think that clothes are the issue?!

OP, you need dietary and health help. Your DD needs the same.

I’d just say ‘shall WE go shopping’? She can help you choose stuff for you and vice versa? You can laugh over the sizes seeming a bit small as you navigate your way up to larger sizes, then she won’t realise it’s a mission to buy her a larger sized wardrobe.

If there's the faintest possibility that she's pregnant, you need to ask, Op.