"you are so ungrateful, I do everything for you"

[braceforcorrection]

I've started to say this to my just turned 2 year old.

In the heat of the moment when I've got a boot full of food shopping, a tired boy ready for his nap, heavy traffic and the weight of the world on my shoulders....

Why on earth can't I respond in a positive way!

I devote my life to my little one, which is how it should be. However I can't get past why I'm having difficulty some times.

Sounds like you need a break! 2YOs are tough and it can quite easily become all consuming but I don’t know that ‘I devote my life to my little one’ is particularly healthy attitude. Take it as a sign that you need to do stuff for yourself too and not just them.

Oh and in this day and age no one needs to be dragging a toddler with them to do the food shop- make like easier for both of you and order online!

You need to start forcing yourself into the habit of thinking these things in your head, not saying them out loud.

You don’t need to devote your entire life to your child. Make sure you have your own world going on too. You are more than a mother. If your life is full in other ways you will feel balanced and less resentful.

Do not say things like this to your child. The more you say it the more it will become an automatic habit.

I am guilty of saying this to my DC, OP! It comes out when I have reached the end of my rope. Mine are older too, and the 7 year old does understand a bit more that I find it frustrating that I do so much yet sometimes it doesn’t seem enough. However, they are kids, and that’s my job!
2 is a HARD age. My youngest is 4, and I wouldn’t want to go back to 2. They desperately want independence, but still need you so much (and wil fight it at times!). I find getting out helps loads, as does meeting up with other mums for some adult company. Is your DC in childcare at all? That can give you a break too.

Was it said to you as a child perhaps? Either way, try to remember it's okay to think it but less so to keep splurting it out.

I fondly (!) remember my kids telling me that they weren't my slaves when I asked them to tidy their rooms/put their dishes in the kitchen/clear up their own mess.

So I used to reply 'but I'm not yours either' Which posed them something of a philosophical puzzle. We all escaped unscarred. Cut yourself some slack, OP, but also try to simplify some of the drudgery if you can. Your LO won't be two forever.

This is extremely toxic and you need to stop. Your children don't owe you gratitude. If you need a break then reach out to your support networks and arrange some time away because this perspective is extremely harmful.

At 2 he won’t remember you saying it, but as he gets older he will if you don’t stop now. @Vroomfondleswaistcoat

Ive made mistakes as a parent (we all have), but you really do need to start counting to 10 in your head when you think that thought. You are meant to do everything for your 2 year old, that is your job. But a 2 year old has no sense of what gratitude is beyond sometimes saying “thanks” if you give them something.

I don’t know how I quoted @Vroomfondleswaistcoat in my post - sorry, my message was obviously aimed at the OP! 😳

I devote my life to my little one, which is how it should be. However I can't get past why I'm having difficulty some times.

I would guess it's this. Where have you got this idea from, that you "should" devote your life to your LO? Devotion is a very extreme word, and IME this is just a recipe for exactly what you're experiencing - where you are putting everything into making your toddler happy, which BTW is a futile endeavour, because children will never be happy 100% of the time and it wouldn't be healthy if they were - but also, this approach to parenthood, putting 100% into your child, leaves nothing left over for you. And that means you're running on empty a lot of the time which makes it really difficult to maintain patience for the moments where your child is acting as children do.

Two things to change - if you're currently under the illusion that it's your job to keep your toddler happy all the time, drop that immediately because it's impossible and not actually good for them anyway - they need to learn to navigate all of life's feelings, not just the nice ones. Something I've observed is that parents who feel responsible for their children's emotions tend to feel panicky or upset or guilty when their child experiences a moment of frustration or upset (because they think they are failing) - that could be why you're snapping at him, because you're feeling like "This is impossible! I'm already doing SO much, give me a break!!"

Separate his understandable upset (at being tired and having been taken around a busy supermarket and then stuck in a car in a traffic jam) from your job as a parent - it's OK if he's grumpy after all that, after all you probably feel grumpy too! And you'll take it less personally and feel less personally attacked by the fact he is whining or not being cooperative. That means you can deal with it a bit more sympathetically.

The second thing is to move him down a peg from being your highest priority. Obviously a 2yo does need to be a priority because they can't do much for themselves. But the functioning of the family as a whole is the highest priority. That means there is a balance between what you need and want, and what he needs and wants. He doesn't need to be right at the top in order for you to meet his needs adequately or even well. But your needs probably need to be higher - at the moment I would guess they are somewhere near the bottom of the pile. That doesn't work, and will eventually lead to burnout.

Do you like podcasts? I find the Motherkind podcast really good and it goes through a lot of these themes regularly.

It wasn't ... That's why I don't understand why Im saying it.

Oh wow it's so easy to stop. Yes thank you, that's all I needed to know what to do.

Unfortunately Im not able to get any support so don't have a break.

Yes in this day and age it's so easy to get online shopping.... But that's not a decision I have choosen for various reasons. I'm also not going to describe why I went food shopping that day, what I needed to buy, or why it is or was necessary.... Because the thing is, it's not exclusive to going food shopping. It happens when parents are overwhelmed.

You had your children for you.

Children have no frame of reference. It's just like it's unfair to call children with a million toys who ask for more toys spoiled when it's the parents who've bought them all the toys. How do they know any different?

Yes it's being able to count 1-10 is what's the issue. Had I been able to jump out the car at that particular point and taken myself to Costa for a coffee (without child everything else I was under pressure to do that day) I would have been able to cope. But I couldn't and it was the noise of his crying, traffic I couldn't control etc.

So that's the thing, it doesn't happen all the time, it's when I'm at that point.

I work so I don't get a break.. either in the car, at work,, looking after him or doing housework.

Having an adult in that moment to just bounce of thoughts would be amazing and helpful, but I don't. Mu mum isn't interested and no friends to ask

Could you start dating other parents with a view to having a blended family?

What would help you OP, apart from obviously you're going to consciously try to stop yourself coming out with this. You don't have a break or people to give it - I was the same at that stage, it can be intense. But is there something you could do or avail of that would help? Do you get breaks outside the working day, even after bedtime? People complain about 2yos but it's really a beautiful age in many ways so it's a shame to feel so overwhelmed and wanting it over and done with - which at times of course is understandable.
Sounds like, and I did too, your child has become your life's work and you're giving your whole self but that you're asking too much of yourself - your dc is not of course, so you'll have to do what you can for yourself because those words are damaging if said repeatedly. He's 2. Of course you're doing everything for him!

Actually that's a bit of a big suggestion. I think PP are right in suggesting there are all moments in our lives where we can make things a tiny bit easier for ourselves, and avoiding overwhelm moments. You can keep a diary of when things boil over and then try and spot a pattern - what are the pressure points? What was happening when you spoke unfairly to your children? And then try and work on reducing them.

For me, it was realising I was shouting before dinner when trying to cook. So I started making the dinner the night before, and then just heating it up, and instead playing with them. It works, no more melt downs at this time of day. But it's different for everyone.

We all struggle with this, you're not alone.

Did anyone ever tell you how kind and helpful you are!?

No this child is actually from my decesed sibling.

I'm not sure you ever get a break as a single parent with no family or friends for support.

A break is not having to think about the toddler, which will never happen. Last night I was woken up as he woke up and needed to bed share. I had drfited of to sleep and numerous attempts to get him to sleep by himself didn't work. Would have done without that as I feel dead today.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
That make it all the more understandable how you are feeling.
That changes my whole attitude to the situation, by the way.
What do you think about the advice to try and track where the pressure points are, and try to ease them?

These moments are when I used to find it helpful to do one of two things.

1, pretend I was a childminder or a nanny being paid to look after this child- it helped me get my mindset and behaviour more in line with how I’d ‘expect’ myself to do that job.
2, just drop everything and lovebomb them for a couple of minutes. Hugs and tickles and being silly will break the frustration for both of you and give you a wee shot of dopamine so you feel less stressed and more connected.

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking for help.

I know what causes stress with me to "lose it" and I've avoided those events or made it easier.

Eg weekends we get out the house in the morning. There is zero point being home longer than breakfast because I get too stressed and we just end up messing up the house and I don't get a "rest". Nicer weather was good as easy to go outside but now it's paid activities which tend not to open until a bit later.

I for example put out clothes downstairs, load the coffee machine, make sure toothbrushes are downstairs, baby gates and child friendly downstairs so he can roam around etc, put toys on a rotation so he isn't sitting in front of the TV and can play etc..

It's just when I'm tired or just dealing with stuff I can't control it becomes a bit too much.

I also rest when baby rests. Sure it makes life difficult but it helps me long term.

great advice from @AmyDuPlantier

Being silly is an underrated move when things get tense.