"you are so ungrateful, I do everything for you"

[braceforcorrection]

I've started to say this to my just turned 2 year old.

In the heat of the moment when I've got a boot full of food shopping, a tired boy ready for his nap, heavy traffic and the weight of the world on my shoulders....

Why on earth can't I respond in a positive way!

I devote my life to my little one, which is how it should be. However I can't get past why I'm having difficulty some times.

I would read some books on child development as it will help you to have more realistic expectations of your two year old. I think all parents struggle with feeling frustrated at their children and reaching their limit of tolerance but I have found for myself that the more I understand what is appropriate for their age and the more I can manage my own expectations the less annoyed in get.

I think my expectations of him are fine.

It's my emotions I'm not

My daughter has food allergies and reflux and her first nursery was closed by Ofsted. The combination does mean I'm distrustful of others looking after her and have burnt out more than once. She's 5 now and I'm slowly building a network of people that I feel safe leaving her with. There are 3-4 mums in her class that I feel able to leave her with, both sets of grandparents and my sisters. At 2 it was one set of grandparents that I felt ok leaving her completely with and the other set an my sister's only if I was also in the house.

We had a difficult time when she was a newborn and I got really strung out and frustrated. I had to come up with a mantra that I could repeat to myself during those times when all my buttons were being pushed. The one that worked best for me was "help me, help you"

I had a really hard time when she was 3 and having an awful reflux relapse. Her paediatrician referred me to the HV for some extra support. On the back of this I had some counselling with my HV and it really helped. It was good to have someone to talk about how difficult parenting was a time. She offered a little bit of practical advice but mostly having the space to off load and have it acknowledged that it's bloody hard a times and that I was doing my best with a crappy situation

Please reach out again to health visitor and gp and ss. And bereavement support online charities? MIND locally? Other charities fir parents may give access to space to talk through . Gp or hv or ss may know. Or check local LA website

Why?

They don't offer more support the more I ask.

I'm not mentally ill ffs

That's great.....not sure why people are jumping on me for not wanting to leave him with someone I've found online. Like ffs.

Great you don't live in a deprived area but the hV isn't interested, the toddler is fine. You are clearly not and neither was your child.

Not sure you can call having a chat with your HV a counselling session but glad you found it useful.

Sick of people thinking that 1) I'm mentally ill 2) social services have resources to give 3) HV ditto

Actual she was a trained counsellor with a master's in psychology in addition to being a HV and we had a set of 8 1h sessions following a program over 3-4 months. I do have a mental illness but at the time I was not mentally ill and the counseling was because I was struggling with the demands of parenting and working and life.

I have moved about a bit and had contact with 3 HV all that provided listening support maybe I have been lucky. There was one where they didn't have the skill set and they referred for counselling with an infant parenting services which covered some of the most deprived areas in the country. Where I currently live is relatively deprived, don't make judgements without knowledge. You don't know what my life is like. I was just trying to offer some solidarity and share what I found helpful.

But is she a HV or is she providing counselling sessions. She can't really be both at the same time, because there are regulations she has to follow for both.

And who's got a LA that have HV that have time to spend with parents ....

You come across as very stressed and admit to struggling with emotions at times.
So at those times you can reach out and the samaritans are always available to call 24 7 and be listened to. You do not have to be suicidal to call samaritans anything goes....you can call to say how stressed you are etc and talking to a listening ear might help. Nothing to lose. Might be better than on here.
You can also call nspcc helpline they can reassure you. Just to have someone listen to you can be helpful.
All areas have health visitors. There may be something locally.

She is both and works as both for the health visiting services. She has now moved out of regular community health visitors to use these skills with young mums in a local deprived area so I now have a different HV.
I saw my HV fortnightly with my daughter for 4 months then monthly for another 4 months.
I have my second and in a different area and am seeing my HV fortnightly for support in parenting not to do with the health of my baby.
Just because something doesn't fit with your experience doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

How have they got fundeding for both?

I don't know the ins and outs of funding. I had a call saying we have had a referral from the hospital saying you might need some support. She said she had recently done a masters as a drive to provide emotional and mental health support for parents alongside side practical and baby driven support and that because of this she could offer me 6-8 counselling sessions. She eluded to the fact that they were trying to fill the gap left by ineffectual mental health support for parents that are struggling with parenting but not unwell enough to qualify for mental health support but she was able to offer it to those just struggling without mental illness.

We covered a range of topics including coping with life and a child, my feelings about having to do it all on my own because of not trusting others, especially as my daughters former nursery was in the news at the time. I had a joint session with my partner to talk about potentially having a second.

You seem really resistant to any advice. What was the point of starting this thread?

You seem really resistant to me telling you what is available.... Why is that?

Have you asked his key worker to baby sit?

Yeah they aren't allowed to.

I haven’t suggested anything like that. I’m noting how you are responding to other posters and you’re arguing with them that what they’re saying isn’t true.

Your responses on this thread are giving a hint of the nastiness you’re spouting to this child. You should seek some kind of counselling to help you through this time because the child doesn’t deserve you taking out your resentment on them. Your life has changed dramatically and you clearly need help navigating that.

You seem to think you know everything that's available but never used the service or take on board what I've written.

You are fustrating by your lack of self awareness

I struggled parenting my DS, who has significant needs. I read every blog, joined every online support group and bought and studied a library of relevant books. However, none of that made a significant difference to my capacity to cope, and to respond 'in the moment' the way I desperately wanted to. In fact, in many ways I felt worse after spending time in those spaces, because they often communicate the message, 'If you know better, you do better'. I did indeed know better, but no, I could not do better.

The thing that made a profound difference to the way I handle parental stress is brainspotting therapy. I have online sessions with a psychologist, and it has absolutely changed my life.

You chose to have a child your child does not have to be grateful for that, people who chose to have a child do so for a need within them it is not a community service to the child to raise them

Eh? Whose posts are you meaning to respond to?

Make an effort and seek some help.

I’m sorry you feel so frustrated OP. You’ve done a huge wonderful thing while dealing with your own grief. I think most of the PP’s are genuinely trying to help with their suggestions. Can you request a different HV that is more supportive?