"you are so ungrateful, I do everything for you"

[braceforcorrection]

I've started to say this to my just turned 2 year old.

In the heat of the moment when I've got a boot full of food shopping, a tired boy ready for his nap, heavy traffic and the weight of the world on my shoulders....

Why on earth can't I respond in a positive way!

I devote my life to my little one, which is how it should be. However I can't get past why I'm having difficulty some times.

Have you had bereavement cou selling?
Please,see gp and get some support. It is a lot to take on emotionally...a dead sibling and taking on their child. But he is way too young to be "grateful". Leave til he is 22. You do not need to devote your entire life. Send him to childcare childminder or nursery . Now. That will give you a break five days a week for a few hours.
Have you adopted or got legal parental responsibility?

Do you work full time OP?
Also, so sorry to hear of your circumstances. That in itself is really tough. You are doing an amazing thing. You do need support though. I know it’s easy for me to say that, but I do have some suggestions based on how often you are working.

As this is your deceased sibling’s child then there should be considerable social services involvement pre-adoption. Is there a reason you are not reaching out to them for support. They will be able to provide help with child care, respite care. You should be getting A LOT of support. You being left on your own to cope is not IN ANY WAY normal in this situation. Please reach out to them to explain how you are struggling and find out what is going wrong with the support network.

I'm not adopting my nephew and no the courts wouldn't be providing respite. I think people assume too much of the capacity of LA

Yes I work

Thank you. I never thought about doing number 2.

Oh goodness I find these suggestions that there is support laughable

I live in a deprived area. There is nothing.

Please go to the SEN community and see how they are all struggling. Or support for elderly relatives etc. unless it's a safeguarding concern than support is minimal

You have a GP and a health visitor as child is under five. Call your health visitor. Chat to them .

Oh OP, you're amazing to look after the little one. It's so tough even when you've had them from a small age, and you have so many other layers of emotion going on.

I think when it's getting tough, maybe more at home, I used to think about "changing the energy".
Putting some music on, making a drink for myself, sometimes even "right, I need to hoover!" to drown out the noise (plus both of mine really enjoyed chasing the hoover round at one stage, at others I'd tell them to hide in bed to avoid the noise and give me a break!)

When you're out it's really tricky but remember it's ok to abandon the shopping if you're struggling, open the snacks during the shop to keep them quiet etc. I'm sure I'll be slated for these but I've been there and it's tough.

Op at 2 you should be able to get some nursery hours are you already using all of those for work? If not can you look into this?
if you adopt there is support. If you are a new parent there is support, deprived area or not. It may take a while but better to get that ball rolling?

you said your mum isn’t interested which seems unusual given the situation. Are you perhaps struggling with how much you do for dc that wasn’t done for you? And how much you are dealing with (single parent, taking on someone else’s child, grief, work etc it’s all a lot!) For a child that want even planned (by you), that you are I imagine really putting yourself out for, all whilst dealing with your grief?

i think the real answer is that you need support and you need validation and thanks for the hard work you’re putting in, but obviously a 2 year old can not give you that. Can you give yourself that (to some degree) On the way to work congratulate yourself for 3 things you’ve done well in the last 24 hours for example. This obviously won’t fix the issue but might just balance some of the negative thoughts and feelings the more you get into it. Can you journal your feelings on your lunch break or after dc has gone to bed? Can you even just try to take note of how you’re feeling (physically emotionally, what part of this specifically is making you angry etc) in the moment, or just after the moment, even if you don’t have capacity to change what you say or do about it right now. Naming it and being aware of It may just help you work through it all. Look up self validation in parenting.

are you working full time, if not can you go to any playgroups just to let him burn off some steam whilst you have a cup of tea? They’re normally about £2 round here, just in a church or something. You might even make some friends for support. It sounds really tough though op

Oh also the children’s centres in the deprived areas of my city run lots of free events. Lots on parenting skills, mindfulness, talking group therapy, parents and children’s groups etc. I wonder if there might be anything similar where you live that is helpful for you

If you are not adopting who has parental responsibility? Will you get special guardian ship? Is it kinship fostering? If or when child gets sick or goes to school someone needs legal parental responsibility to sign forms etc. It is a,practical issue. Who claims child benefit for the child? And yes it is not easy but you are entitled to gp to talk to and child is entitled to gp and health visitor who can support even if just an appointment where you share that you have these feelings about child being ungrateful and what can they help with?

A carer for a child who might (not saying you are but you do sound stressed and it is for sure challenging circumstances) who might be sliding to poor mental health well this some way down the line could become a safeguarding concern ...so you acknowledge an issue so speak openly to gp they can refer to NHS counselling or other support

OP - give yourself a mental break - it really isnt the end of the world, you are not a bad parent and all the replies telling you to 'just stop' blah blah ..well i guess they are all perfect parents who have never felt overwhelmed or frustrated or regretful of having children etc.
Its not that bad that children sometimes see us reach the end of our tethers...
we are human after all.
Just as you should not put your toddler on a pedestal our children should know we too are human and sometimes get it wrong, have a bad day etc.
modelling how you deal with bad feelings is so important, as someone else said you cannot make a child happy 100% of the time and they need to learn ( from you) how to manage those not so nice moments.

You are not abusing him/he is safe, fed, cared for, cuddled in bed etc....
some days getting to the end of the day with everyone still having all 4 limbs attached and breathing is good enough :)

I said some awful things to my DC when working fulltime/parenting fulltime and being just so bloody unhappy myself....including the most awful 'i wish I had never had children'.
But 90% of the time i was a good parent, present in their lives, loving, supportive and doing all the drudge stuff that quietly reflects how much you love them. My DC are now adults and lovely and we have the most fantastic relationship.

YOU ARE DOING FINE

I bet your parents said this to you- so many times I’ve caught myself blindly repeating my parents! Parenting is really hard and we all feel like this, but it is up to you to create some boundaries so you don’t fall into martyrdom. Your child cannot do this for you- boundaries create healthy relationships.

Oh yeah that is that real constant, thankless stuff and without a let up that is so so hard.
Your added detail that it is not your child makes the whole thing v different and of course much much harder. You're doing brilliantly in a really hard situation. I hope you cam somehow get a regular break that you can look forward. Would ther be some spare money for a sitter for a couple of hours a week for that trip to Costa?
I remember a friend doing a thing called Listening hearts.. she rang another mother once a week ans they just listened, they could vent and cry or whatever they needed and the other person would simply listen. She got a lot from it at the time.

It's not often I slate a parent but that is really horrible OP. Stop saying it.

Ok perfect one.

Thanks I'm cured now

And I hope you do allow yourself some tv time for the child also so you can switch off a bit. Whatever gets you through. I agree, outside much better all round. It's a tough time but much moreso now you've said it's your nephew. Allow yourself to feel a bit sorry for yourself and also v proud of yourself for what you're doing. I'm hoping a close friend can give you some support.

I don't trust anyone to look after him and I don't think it would be helpful. .
I was thinking maybe a cleaner to free to a few hours, but even a teenager to play with little one whilst I do the cleaning I think I'll be comfortable with.

Take the tiny moments for a break, as thats sometimes all you get. In between shutting the toddler car door and getting in yourself, take 10 seconds for some deep breathing. Take your breaks at work, go for a walk, do something for yourself. Treat work as a break from children and vice versa.
Lower your standards, safe and fed and clean is enough on days when its all too much.

Actually they do. My LA has just run an awareness campaign of the support they offer to kinship carers, whether adopting or fostering a child or children. Also, the Kinship charity support people like you. I know two people who have taken on children of close relatives and one of them works very closely with her LA. She has given feedback to improve their work with kinship carers, but even before that, she was offered training.

Your LA do. They are helping with kinship not parenting unless a risk to child. Of which I've spoken to them about.... And they said just stop doing it and am I shouting or hitting child.

That's a good idea OP. I wonder why you don't trust anyone to mind him?

Thanks.

I'm not sure what people think my standards are...but getting so stressed isn't great.

Sometimes I'm not able to calm down